Shоuld I Fоrgivе My Сhеаting Wifе?

I fоund lаtеly thаt my wifе is сhеаting. I dесidеd tо disсuss with hеr. Shе dеniеd еvеrything аt first, but thеn соnfеssеd thаt shе hаd а rеlаtiоn with а guy 6 mоnths аgо fоr 4 mоnths. Shе is nоt sееing thаt guy аnymоrе (whiсh is truе).
Shоuld I fоrgivе hеr? I’m sо hеаrtbrоkеn аt this mоmеnt

 

@Daniel Milner If what you say is fact, small wonder that you became a part of our group. I am no bleeding-heart advisor, but at 74, have been through two marriages, numerous heart-rending events, and really am in no position to advise. Forgive her? Only two know the answer: God, and You.

IMO, though, foregiveness begs of explanation. The question "Why" keeps popping up. Why would she seek another, why has she not left you, why are you hanging on, why should you let this situation go any further.

I read you loud and clear about being heart-broken. A few here will understand my meaning. Keep your chin up!
Frank

 

I don't have enough information to give an opinion. How long have you been married, etc.

Was this a one time mistake on her part or will she do it again or has she done it before?

Just by what you posted, if it happened to me I would forgive but it would take me awhile to trust again.

 

I think you need to find out why she cheated. I think the reason men and women cheat are different, and many women feel emotionally cast aside, lonely and vulnerable when they cheat. It is not generally for the thrill of it. It is not a right action to take, but understandable under certain circumstances. She may have been desperate to get your attention, and this may be the only way she knew. Or maybe it is just over for her. You need to find out the reasons behind it, you can forgive..but not forget. Do you want your marriage to go on?

 

Hi, how horrific for you, Dan. Might I suggest that you wait a bit before making any major decisions? It takes time to process this level of shock/hurt/betrayal. In my work as a therapist, I have seen clients who chose to end their relationships over the adultery issue, without first working through any of their emotions. Some regretted it immensely.

 

Never had this problem so cannot advise
There is very good sound advice on this thread, worth considering

 

I am a forgiving person but with an affair that lasted for several months, I don't think that can be considered cheating anymore but that breach of faithfulness doesn't deserve forgiveness. Over here, men are considered promiscuous, or maybe just an impression but nevertheless, a fling is easily forgiven but a relationship with a duration of 4 months cannot be considered a fling anymore so it is in a higher category which is a mortal sin to the offended spouse. What more if the unfaithfulness was committed by the wife, huh.

PS. This is not an advice but just my opinion on the matter. Take note that I grew up in a different culture than yours.

 

I agree with all that has been shared before me. The thing that stuck with me most after reading your OP is forgiving. It takes time to forgive someone for such a betrayal in a marriage along with trusting them again. Trust and forgiveness go hand in hand. You can always stay in love or continue to love that person but it is all going to go downhill if the two aren't reconciled. Separation for a while could help for time is suppose to heal all wounds.

 

What if..... just what if, you had met and become involved with, a person, who seemed to fit the bill, you having been recently divorced, and this new person (lady, in my case) urged you on, with remarks like, "Don't be a stranger", what would you do? She was still married. I was not. She seemed to "want me" pretty badly; I was infatuated by this. She grabbed ahold, saying, "Oh, My!"

I thought all those listless nights following my divorce, all the remorse, crying, fear, had miraculously and suddenly evaporated. She drove a Jeep! Gosh almighty, a man's dreams answered, and he didn't even have to fight for her!

That Jeep came rumbling up my driveway in Fort Wayne one evening, my Mother had joined me in moving from Colorado, to help "keep house", as she put it. I knew she was chagrined by the news of my separating from Sue. Most mothers would be. The Jeep's driver frightened me half to death, setting forth to call her husband to inform him she had left him, she wasn't coming home. WHAT had I gotten myself into? Would the guy seek me out to kill me? How big was he? (I'm diminutive in most respects).

My Mother, always accepting of whatever life threw out in front, a few nights later, encountered my new-found friend naked in the hallway, both bound for the bathroom, while I was totally crashed, unaware. My wife & I still laugh about that occurrence! My Mother never mentioned it, but I knew she felt satisfied that her son was. When we announced we would marry, she immediately decided she would not remain with us, and moved back to Chicago. That was 1979. Debbie & I left the Fort Wayne area to pursue life in the desert, outside Phoenix. Between then, and her death in 1989, my Mother visited us there a number of times. I realized too late how dearly I loved her. I hope she knew, nonetheless......
Frasnk

 

The title you chose to give this thread speaks volumes to me. You could have said, "Should I forgive my wife for having an affair." I suspect that the "Discussion" that you had was more of a confrontation. Apparently, you feel angry and betrayed. I can certainly understand that.

My advice: Let her go. She obviously doesn't love you anymore. You may say you "Forgive" her but the sense of anger and betrayal will remain between the two of you.

Eventually, you will find someone else to love and so will she.

I wish you both real love and happiness in the future.

 

Both my husband and my self were cheated on by ex spouses ...I was not willing to forgive a man who attended church ( meetings as the JW's call it) on a regular basis
Hubs was divorced for a little over three years when I met him ( for me it was 12 years) he said he would have forgiven his ex up to twelve months after she had the affair and taken her back in that time if she asked.
She married the man she was having the affair with ,but it only lasted 2 years..
So it all comes down in the long run , to how you feel about someone you obliviously trusted betraying your trust and be willing to throw your marriage away by having an affair with another man .....Who may also be married ..

 

@Kate Ellery

Kate, you were brave to tell of this story. I was moved by it. It reminded me of instances within my circle of friends as a young man.

Trust is the key word. How to build trust, maintain it, explain the loss of it to a spouse. "I trusted you". How could you do this? "And I trusted you, but suspect you were irreverent".

There's the "stalemate". How is trust to be built, and maintained. Trust truly develops only over time; you cannot instantly trust a stranger, unless you are a fool.

Trust cannot be bought or bargained for. It must develop slowly, be nurtured, like a flimsy little plant, then eventually it may become complete. This completion of the process explains marriages lasting from start to death.
Frank

 

I'm not really in a position to comment but I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.

Are you in a position to afford couples counseling? I know it can be expensive. If you live in a more urban area, there may be some low income student counselors available.

Best wishes.

 

Hi Daniel, Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you chose to post this and open up about your situation. I've read each post, and I hope you have as well, and can tell that the people here are caring and have your best interests at heart. There's some excellent advice here, as well as sharing of personal situations. I've never been married, but have lived with a few of my former fiances. I was cheated on by two of them, and each was a different scenario.

The one that hurt the most was the one who took his lover (and her young baby from her husband...she was married at the time of their affair) to his mother's house. She (the mother) was the one who finally told me he was cheating when I asked her, because of course, he denied it every time I asked. I could have pretended not to know, and gone on and married him, or even confronted him and still married him, but him taking her to his mother's house was what ended it in my mind.

It's hard to give advice without knowing a lot more about the situation. Every relationship is different, and only you can decide what you should do, but posting about it more will help people tailor any advice they want to give, and it might also help you to clarify your thoughts.