Problem is you don't have any options...you're married to a jealous man...unless you leave him, you'll never be with the one you love.
You're right, Joe, but I have one adult child still at home trying to finish college. I don't want to jeopardize that
I hate to bust your bubble, Shug, but "WE" are not still in love. You might fancy yourself still in love but, for him, it's over. At this point, you have two choices: chalk it up to a sweet memory, let him go, and walk away with your pride. Or: Throw yourself at his feet, beg and plead with him to stay in the relationship and make a complete fool of yourself. Your choice. Anybody else need any advice to the lovelorn?
I think that @Shirley Martin is absolutely correct in her conclusions, based on what you told us. As far as I can see, it is actually over for you as well, @J. Thomas . You are currently living with a man who cares enough about you to support you in a comfortable lifestyle, has been there for you for the last 30 years of raising your children, probably has guessed that you have been having an online fling with another man, and loves you enough to stay anyway. I think that you understand this as well, because you are not willing to give him up for the man you say you are in love with. (This is called “being in love with love”), and the adult son in college has no real impact on your decisions. He will make his own way in life whether you stay married to his father, or if you get a divorce. I realize this probably sounds hard to you, and maybe it is, but all I can share with you is how I personally look at things. For me, it would be impossible to stay with one man that I didn’t care about, while still writing love letters to someone else. It is wrong to use someone like that (in my moral code), and I am an all-or-nothing person in a relationship.
I had it all written out here what I was going to say, but decided against it. As far as I'm concerned, you need professional help, not help from a forum like this. However, after reading a couple of replies before mine, like Shirley's, some members are giving you very, very good advice.
I guess my lack of details has not helped this conversation, so I'll give a few. This man that has stayed by my side for 30+ years is an abuser....verbally. He can be terrifying at times. I don't think of myself as a victim because I've chosen to stay. He behavior has improved only slightly in all these years and as I said before, he behaves as if he wants very little to do with me. We rarely go out and he spends all of his time at home on the computer. He was rarely home when our kids were growing up, leaving me to do most of the work while he was out partying with his friends. My 10 year relationship with my friend has shown me I am worth being loved and that I am appreciated. I don't get many nice men wanting a relationship with me... even tho I'm told I'm a great catch and my husband is a very lucky man. Too bad he doesn't think so....
@J. Thomas I have given likes, read everything here, decided to keep my mouth shut......then decided otherwise. Not a good advice-giver, not astute about, or really tuned-in to, life's commonly-encountered personal and emotional issues; those are all difficult to resolve, beyond a doubt. One thing comes to mind, however, and it hinges as an issue regarding your son. Without knowing detail, generalization is needed, unfortunately. I'll use an example, even though it may be painful for you. One of my instructors at University of Nevada, who was my advisor as well, told the story of how his own career was shaped by his mother. As each child reached 18, she kicked them out on their own. Herb Wells went on to obtain two very difficult technical degrees, Bachelor of Science in Mining Engineering, and a Masters. How he managed it, I do not know; suffice to say, it CAN be done. If any kind of drastic change in your life were to jeopardize your son's college achievements, as you stated, therein lies a major part of the decision-making needed by yourself, to escape the myasma you are stuck in. Frank
Thank you Frank. My son has only 2 more years to finish if he continues full time. That means he cannot work. In the meantime he has fallen in love with a long time friend who happens to have a 2yo...(it's not my son's). In order to help them have a life together as quickly as possible, we have moved them in with us. She works, but my son needs us financially for the time being. It's a small price to pay to ensure he finished school and can move on, so I can move on. My friend, my love is a lonely man. I can understand his need for a physical relationship. If I left my situation to be with him I would have to leave my children behind or he would have up leave his children and 8 grandchildren behind. It's not an easy decision. If there were much less than 2500 miles distance between us, it might be easier...idk.
Is this lady still trying to justify what she is doing and has been doing? I seems obvious she wants to hear that she is doing the right thing by thinking about this one guy and being married as well. Guess she has to give us more "non-logical" reasons why she is doing what she is doing. What I really don't get is why she is asking any of us for help...…….like we are professionals at this?? I seriously don't think this forum, that Ken created, was made for this.
M'thinks that Ms. Thomas is what I call a ghost; a ghostwriter who goes to different boards and posts an interesting thread to relieve the boredom.
I don't mean to seem unsympathetic but why woukd you ask advice from a form of people who do not know? Second everything Shirley Martin said is true and then some. Third you need proffessional help..you clearly have low self esteem and co dependent. There are places that help abused women and they do wonderful things to help. And..J... This type of situation like many can become 'in the news' at some point. Please seek help...forget that other guy...trust me...your not on his important list.