Groan

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is OK, but on the other, it's just not right.

 

There once was a puppy named May who liked to pick fights with bigger animals. One day she picked a fight with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why?

Ready?






Because that was the end of May.

 

I bought one those new reversible jackets yesterday.

I am excited to see how it turns out.

 

No commas........ My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

Hey John West. I mentioned you in a post in What Music Are You Listening To Today. I'm glad you don't know where I live.

 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never ever comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So... where does he go when he leaves here?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'He's going over to your house...'

 

What goes 999 thump...

A 1000 leg worm with a wooden leg.

 

Last night I wondered where the sun went after it set. Then it dawned on me.

 

A ship carrying purple paint and a ship carrying red paint collided near an island! Both crews were marooned.

 

The very rare and much sought after Pair Tree.

 

It just needs a partridge wearing a bra. .

 

♫and a partridge in a pear tree♫

 

A monk claimed he saw the face of Jesus on a tub of margarine.

He said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

 

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”
“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”