Ha, there was a time before fuel injection all Mom would have to pay for is to empty the tank and dry it out and blow out the fuel lines. Today add a new fuel pump and injectors to the list.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank... He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs. No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course too?"
A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and she says, “My ear hurts me…” He kisses it gently and asks, “Is it better now, my darling?” “It’s all gone,” giggles the girl, “but now I have a pain here,” and she points to her neck. The boy kisses it tenderly and asks, “Better now, sweet pea?” “It’s all healed, my love! But now I have a very bad pain here,” she replies and points to her clavicle. “Excuse me,” politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench, “this is really impressive! Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?”
An older man, living alone, decided he wanted to add a pet companion to his life. After thinking long and hard about the decision, he buys a parrot and brings it home. However, the parrot almost immediately starts insulting the older man and gets really rude. In a moment of frustration, the man picks up the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson. But when the bird stops squawking, the man panics and opens the freezer. The parrot walks out, looks up at the man, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man replies, “Well, thank you. I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking… what’d the chicken do?”
Seymour Shapiro, 85, goes for his half year check up. His doctor says, “So, Seymour, how have you been feeling?” “Never better,doctor! You know after my Becky died, I was lonely! Not anymore!! I met a beautiful 25 year old shiksa, who happens to love me for myself, not my money! We got married, and guess what!? She’s expecting my baby!! Now what do you think of that?” The doctor leans back in his chair, tents his fingers together, pondering the question. Then the doctor says, “Let me tell you a little story, Seymour. I have a friend, pretty much about your age, who loves hunting, in fact, he never misses a season. One fall day, he sets off to go hunting. Trudging through the woods, he sees a huge male beaver by a lake. He goes to pick up his gun, and realizes that he brought his cane by accident, instead. Well, he’s so disappointed, but he decides, just for the hell of it, to lift his cane, aim it at the animal, as if it were his rifle, and go, ‘bang bang’! Much to his surprise, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead! What do you think of that?” “Well,” says Seymour, “Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” “My point exactly.”, says the doctor.