A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Moscow. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lites it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer thru it.
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her. He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old lady figured “what the heck,” she hadn’t found anything else. She brought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her “kiss me and you won’t be sorry”. So the old lady figured “what the heck”, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into a gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back and guess what the old lady turned into? She turned into the first motel she could find!
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle? It makes your nose look too short.”
My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’ That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual orgasm?”. Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”