I'm getting married next month, the 10th October and for the first time I'll become a step-parent and step-grandparent and I'll have a step-son-in-law and all the other "step-" things that come along with re-marriage. Ron has 7 kids, though 5 are from a first marriage and are scattered all over the US, and there are still a couple I haven't met yet. He has two daughters from his second marriage, and they're in town, one of them works with him, one has two young boys, both of them are sweet and I like them a lot. We get on really well. They're both very close to their Dad, as my kids are to me, and he and I both value family and it's a priority for both of us. I love that we're on the same page there. He also has an ex wife...the mother of those two girls... he's remained amiable with, they sometimes talk as it relates to the kids and grandkids. She and I interact from time to time, relating to the girls and the grands, birthdays, christmas and such. She drinks a lot and is very insecure. I think she's jealous of the relationship I've formed with the girls, though I have at NO point tried to mother them or be anything other than friendly. She's re-married and Ron likes the husband, and the girls get on OK with him too. This is all new territory for me. I've never been a step parent before. I've heard all kinds of horror stories from friends who are step parents themselves and what a potential minefield it is. I mean, so far so good, but there are potential issues looming...like the birth of Ron's latest grandchild, and some issues that have already arisen with Ron's ex relating to the new baby girl that is getting ready to be born any day now, and my relationship to her. So....who amongst you have had experience with being the step parent? What advice can you give me as a general approach? What cautions? I'd appreciate any and all wisdom, advice, anecdotes or anything you care to contribute as I wend my way through this new territory.
I’m probably an exception of what being a step-dad is in relation to the whole of the family. When Yvonne and I married, her two sons and daughter were already on their own and living their lives. Her daughter was in the Army and one of her sons was (is) married and had two boys of his own and had his own business. The other son was married but both he and his wife eventually lived with his dad but is now re-married and living with his wife in Washington and is also a step-dad. All that said, I pretty much kept my distance. At the present time, I’m probably a lot closer to Yvonne’s daughter than I am with the boys by pure merit that we all live in the same city and she visits fairly frequently. But still, we’re friends as opposed to being step-dad and step-daughter. Matter of fact, that’s just about what my relationship with all the kids amounts to: we’re friends and may I write, not even best friends but nevertheless friends. They have their lives, a genetic family, past associations and associations that I have virtually nothing to do with and that is as it should be. Perhaps if I entered into the scene when the kids were indeed just kids, things might be a tad different but as it is, I do not in any way pretend to be a real part of the family with any authority. My wife has her relationship with her children and grandchildren and I’m just Bobby and I like it that way.
I am not a step anything, however my son has remarried. His new wife,is a very nice person and we like her a lot. However she oversteps constantly. While my grand children are grown and have families of their own there are problems. She somehow feels that the fact of being married to Dad gives her some level of maternal power to advise and direct. No No NO! She is dad's wife. The kids still have a mother,and she is not a replacement. While she is and will be a loved member of the family she is still just "dad's wife" Do not expect the children to love and admire you. Some may some may reject you, while others will welcome with open arms. Families and people are complex and ties and emotions are different from one to the other. Just be along for the ride, give it a few years before you start expressing an opinion on your steps actions and thoughts. Blood is thicker than waterand can be a minefield at times.
I've been a step-mother for 30 years. When I met my husband he had three kids under 5 years old, and his wife had abandoned them to "find herself" or whatever lame alcoholic B.S. I have two sons so we were pretty much a "van full" from the get-go. Blended families can be hard, but so can biological families. Since I pretty much raised my bonus kids, there has never been any of the grown-up jealousies or pettiness that some step-parents experience. It was a challenge at times, but I tried to put my own feelings aside, especially when the bio-mom came out of her alcoholic haze and decided to challenge me for the title. And when the kids were teenagers and would threaten to "move to mom's." (I advised them that I'd help them pack but to remember that once they left, they wouldn't be coming back. They decided to stay.) So I guess my advice would be to leave any "parenting" to your spouse, unless your input is requested. With that many children, make sure to have explicit wills, and let them know how the estates will be divided. I know a lot of adult children can be very upset that their potential inheritance could be usurped. Always be kind, but firm.
My stepdaughter was already an adult, with two children of her own, when I married. We moved to be near her for a couple of years while she was in the Army, and stationed in Fayetteville, North Carolina. We got to know one another very well, although it wasn't so much a father-daughter relationship. She would often introduce me as her father, though. We had the same tastes in books and movies, for one thing - her library and mine were about one-third alike. After we moved back home to Maine, she would often call to talk to me. Sadly, she died a few years ago. On the other side of the equation, my father remarried about ten years after my mother died. His new wife was only three years older than me, and younger than three of my brothers, and they never liked her much. I liked her quite a lot. She was a fine woman, and I talked to her sometimes years after w father died. I never thought of her as my stepmother, though. She was my father's new wife.
I became a step parent with my second marriage to three adult females and have never had any problems. They love and respect me and I them.
I'm a step-grandmother of sorts. Except for the fact that I'm not married to their grandfather, I'm as much a grandmother as if they were my kin. I've been around long before they were born. I love them and they love me. We have a great relationship. I do a lot of free babysitting. I'm not allowed to be called Grandma or any other term (Nana, Mimi, etc.) that might imply that I was their "real" grandmother. OK, no problem; I'm all for keeping the peace. They call me by my first name instead. They do slip up a lot, though, and call me Grandma anyway; I used to correct them but lately I don't give a damn. Lately, there are a lot of things I don't give a damn about.
I've no experience Ronni but I was fostered as a child and for the first time I was shown love and respect They had four boys so I was a welcome girl to the brood. I wish you so well and I'm sure you will find it all comes naturally when you listen to Ron x
Thanks all for your input. I appreciate the different perspectives. I have not made any attempts to mother the girls, and I won't....well, other than the naturally nurturing nature I have, which tends to make me sort of motherly towards everyone. But I fully recognize that they aren't mine. I have related to them as a friend, and they have been very responsive. They, on the other hand, are very communicative and contact me often about things that I would expect they would be talking about to their own mother, at least based on my experience with my own kids and what they talk to me about. They've each revealed that their relationship with their Mom is "complicated/complex/difficult" etc., and sometimes they walk on eggshells around her, or distance themselves from her till things cool down. I worried about this for a while, about their relationship with their own mother, and about the way they will talk to me about things that seems they should be discussing with her. And they may well be talking to her as well, at least some of the time. But they've also sometimes prefaced such discussions with "I can't talk to Mom about this." I've wondered if I should gently rebuff them, and redirect them to their own mother. But at the end of the day, I just can't. They're both adults and it's not my job to tell them who they can talk to, or who they should be talking to. I don't invite such conversation, don't go after it, but I'm not going to reject the communication if it comes my way. Still, I can't help but wonder if that is going to create problems down the line. I guess if it does, I'll deal with it then.
Sounds good so far, but I wouldn't give in to 'my Mother' doesn't understand me, a lot of kids will feel that way at some time Just be a good listening ear without passing judgement and you will become a good pal to them
Oh, absolutely!! I never say anything about their Mom and if they preface something with I can't discuss this with Mom, I make a point of not commenting on that statement at all, just address instead what they want to talk about or answer their question. As someone said earlier, blood is thicker than water, and I've learned that lesson very thoroughly over my lifetime! On the other hand, Ron is very appreciative of the time I take with his girls when they need something, and loves that they feel so comfortable and easy about calling or texting me often. And I get that, because I feel just as happy when my kids/grandkids respond to him so naturally and when any of them reach out to him for help or advice, mainly about construction/renovation/carpentry, because of his business.