Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I now identify as a dolphin, so address me as Nose or Bottle (or just hand me the bottle). Some think this must mean I'm from Finland (fin, Finland, get it? get it?) or that I'm fishing for attention. I point out that dolphins aren't fish but it does no good. I'd make up better jokes if I could but I'm compulsively idiotic. It's not on porpoise.
I haven’t read this whole thread so apologies if it’s a repeat. I found this one kinda cute. ******* “A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of these purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”
... so the guy said we were almost in agreement but that he had some caveats. I asked him if he had made an appointment with the dentist. He got this real puzzled look. People are just weird.
... so this guy wanted to know about carpentry. I asked him if he knew the difference between a groove and a rabbet. He says that a groove was a cool song and that a rabbit was a little furry animal. No, no I said - rabbet spelled with an 'e'. Rabbits can spell? He was puzzled. I took a deep breath to calm down. I explained that a groove was a channel cut with the grain and that a rabbet was a channel cut across the grain. What grain he asks. Wheat, barley or what? Then he asked why I was choking him.
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.