When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal. “Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.” Nobody dared to move, but suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone. The owner announced “We have a brave winner.” After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, and upon arrival, the manager told him “he was very brave to jump” the man replied, “I didn't jump, someone pushed me!” His wife smiled... Moral of the story — Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him.
My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!.. Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?" Me: "Yeah." Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds." Me: "Right, I've done that" Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!" Me: "I can see that, yeah." Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!" Me: Okay, I see them." Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear." Me: "Yes! I can see her!" Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10 The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.” The old lady wanted to know why The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.” The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?" The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000 "Well, please let me have $3000 now." The teller then handed to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. The moral of this tale - Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Among the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
A blind marine vet walks into a bar and finds a seat. After ordering his drink he asks if everyone wants to hear a blond joke at which time he felt the rather rough grasp of hand on his shoulder and heard the voice of a very gruff female who said, “before you go telling blond jokes, I need to let ya know something. The bartender is a blond woman holding a baseball bat. The blond woman at the door is an MMA fighter, the woman on your left is a 6’2”, 250 lb blond biker chick and on your right is sitting a blond woman who is a Karate instructor. As for me, I’m a blond weight lifter so tell me, do you really want to tell blond jokes? At that point the blind Marine took a second and then finally replied, “No, I guess not. I don’t feel like having to explain the joke 5 times.”