Unless….. Wife has been compiling a list for 20 years until said husband retires so he can be fully re-employed doing honey-do’s for the rest of his life.
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
(supposed to be a true story) A retired guy gets a job as a Walmart greeter but only lasts for about 3 hours. As the story goes, he was doing as he was told to do and greeted each person with a smile and a “Welcome to Walmart” and even felt comfortable doing that. That is, until a very unruly woman with her two kids came into the store. She started off by hitting another cart with hers and shouting profanities at everyone who was going through the door and that’s when she met the greeter. Trying to do his job, he greeted her with a smile and then said, “nice kids, are they twins”? Apparently she scowled at the greeter and loudly proclaimed that one was 7 and one was 9 and followed it with, “what the @#$@# makes you think they’re twins”? Well, he said, I just thought they were twins because I can’t imagine anyone having sex with you twice.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Do any of you ladies wish your retired husbands had worked for the CIA so you wouldn't have to listen to his old repetitious work stories?
Maybe the work stories are lamentations of a time when a wife’s main complaint was that we didn’t talk to ya’ll enough even when ya’ll asked us how our day at work went.
I’m just having coffee and the brain is still in a holding pattern but that brought up an image of a retired pro referee complete with his whistle and flag whilst doin’ the wild thing. Tweet….delay of game, add 10 seconds to the clock. tweet…..off sides tweet…..roughing the passer tweet……technical foul. I think I need another cup of coffee………
A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town. Being very young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations. One Sunday morning, the Baptist preacher rode up on his bicycle, but the Methodist preacher walked up on foot. The following conversation ensued: BP: “Brother, what happened to your bicycle?!” MP: “Brother, I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle.” BP: “Brother, that is a shame. But I know what we ought to do. I’m gonna help you get your bicycle back. When you get into your pulpit, I want you to forget what you were going to preach on. Instead, I want you to preach on the Ten Commandments.” MP: “The Ten Commandments, Brother?” BP: “Yes, Brother, the Ten Commandments. I want you To make them feel the fire, and I want you to make them feel the brimstone, and when you get to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ I want you to bear down on it, and whoever stole your bicycle will get to feeling bad and bring your bicycle back.” MP: “Alright, Brother, I can do that!” With that, the young pastors went their separate ways. The next Sunday, both men arrived at the service station at the accustomed time on their bicycles. The Baptist preacher was ecstatic at the apparent success of his strategy. BP: “Hallelujah, Brother! A miracle has occurred! Did you take my advice? Did you preach on the Ten Commandments like I told you to?” MP: “Yessir, Brother, I did!” BP: “Amen, Brother! And did you make them feel the fire, and did you make them feel the brimstone?” MP: “Yessir, Brother, I did!” BP: “Amen, Brother! And when you got to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ did you bear down on it, and whoever stole your bicycle got to feeling bad and brought your bicycle back?” MP: “Well, Brother, not exactly.” BP: “Well, do tell, Brother!” MP: “Well, brother, when I got to the pulpit, I did preach on the Ten Commandments. And I did my best to make them feel the fire and smell the brimstone. And I fully intended to bear down on it when I got to “though shalt not steal. But before I got that far I came to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and I remembered where I left my bicycle."