Ashes To Ashes

Discussion in 'Family & Relationships' started by Hoot Crawford, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Martin Alonzo

    Martin Alonzo Supreme Member
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    @Hoot Crawford
    If we knew the future we would probably avoid these problems as we do not . They need to be dealt with as you were the one who started or made the problem I think you have the solution. Like one famous psychiatrist said [Milton Erickson] if you were smart enough to make a problem than you know how you made it and you know how to solve it. I know your the decision you make will be right for you. We all love to help but you know more information that all of us.
    We all wait on the decision made by the expert that is you.
    God bless Hoot.
     
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  2. Ken Anderson

    Ken Anderson Senior Staff
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    It's a different thing when a spouse dies than if the couple is divorced. If my wife were to tell me that she wanted to be buried next to her first husband, whom she divorced, I would have a problem with that. It would be another matter if she had been happily married to her first husband, who then died. To be honest, I'd probably still have a problem with it because everyone wants to believe that they mean more to their spouse than anyone else, but it would be a different matter. Either way, I can see that it would be a tough one.
     
    #17
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  3. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
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    do you have a Will
     
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  4. Hoot Crawford

    Hoot Crawford Veteran Member
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    Yes but it was done when wife (#2) was still living.

    I am very conflicted about all of this....
     
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  5. Yvonne Smith

    Yvonne Smith Senior Staff
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    I think that people have very different feelings about things like this. Personally, I could care less what happens with my ashes once I am gone. I told Robin that if she and the boys wanted to put them someplace , then up in Bonners Ferry where my folks lived when I was born (and my oldest son lives), that would be fine. I really don’t care, so what ever they decide works for me. I won’t be there to care.
    I miss my mom and dad, but the part that I miss is not in their graves.

    However, I realize that this is a very important thing with some people, so I can see why it would be causing you so much stress, and worrying about not being able to keep your promise.
    Since the ashes are being kept in a safe deposit box to keep them safe, I can’t see what difference it should make to your fiancé , where that safe deposit box was at.
    Some people seem to think that if they are cremated then they won’t be able to go to heaven, and that never made sense to me either.
     
    #20
  6. Boris Boddenov

    Boris Boddenov Very Well-Known Member
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    My wife's ashes are in an above ground church columbarium and my will specifies that mine will be put there too in the same niche.
     
    #21
  7. Lon Tanner

    Lon Tanner Supreme Member
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    I personally took some of my wife's cremains and scattered them on the tee of her favorite hole at the golf course we played and the rest in the Rose Bushes at the rear of our home. This was 1989
     
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  8. Hoot Crawford

    Hoot Crawford Veteran Member
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    Just to close the loop on this thread, I decided to just leave my late wife's ashes in the safe deposit box in Ohio. This may create a minor logistical issue for my son or grandson when I kick the bucket, but they can handle it.

    Thanks to all for your thoughtful and helpful comments and support. God Bless
     
    #23
  9. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
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    I searched trying to find a place to put this post versus starting a new thread. Thought Hoot's title was good sets with what I am about to say.
    Not depressed or being morbid, but have begun to plan the day of my demise. I was thinking the other day, what can you give grown children, they would really appreciate, that will help them when you pass on.
    One is Information. Second is having as much as possible of your ended life already set up for them. Even if you can not afford to pre pay for a funeral, or cremation, you can set the pace by giving them who to call and where to go .I plan on being cremated , and have listed where to spread my ashes in the Will. But research showed me this - not all funeral homes, cremate remains. Did you know some will charge extra for many things. Did you know some will not pick up remains unless there are still with the M E? All kinds of possible set backs for a already grieving family. Not only that, sometimes you have to get permit to scatter remains in some areas.
    My point is , if while we are here we can lessened the burden by getting info, and doing what we can to make it easier for them- that would be the greatest legacy to leave. The other thing, is medical conditions of past and present relatives. This information could be very helpful to them in the future.
    I plan on getting all info down on paper and adding to the list I have already given my daughter. Just something you may want to think about. There much to absorb at a time like this, just think having most of taken care of will help in the end.
     
    #24
  10. D'Ellyn Dottir

    D'Ellyn Dottir Very Well-Known Member
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    @Gloria Mitchell , this is well outlined, and I'll add a few more thoughts.

    I've been thinking that it will be useful to my kids to have a comprehensive list of all accounts in my name that will need to be closed -- banking, online shopping, social media, routine bills, etc -- as I'm not expecting either of them to become a guardian or manager of my affairs in the future. My kids are co-owners, not just beneficiaries, on all my financial accounts so that they can have unimpeded access to my funds without a lot of hassle. This can be useful in the first week and month after we pass with all the unexpected expenses, including the cost of putting an extended obituary in the local paper.

    It was useful to work with an attorney who offers a customizable but boilerplate estate plan, including medical power of attorney, living will, etc, which can be updated if I live longer than I expect and circumstances change. My daughter has seen where this is located. My mother went through hers with me several times before her demise, and it was good to be familiar with it.

    Although I didn't have a good relationship with my mother, it was very much appreciated that she did have a prepaid funeral and cremation, and that as the spouse of a veteran she was entitled to have her ashes buried in his grave and her info carved into the back of his headstone, which cost my brother and me nothing. ..... although why people want to be cremated and then buried is a mystery to me. Her 2nd assisted living home had an arrangement with Goodwill to come pick up everything we couldn't sell when her medical condition required her moving to a nursing home. There were certain pieces she had designated to go to family members, but the reality was that none of lived in the local area, and none of the items were wanted enough to pay the cost of shipping from St Louis to NJ or WA or FL.

    BTW, it's nearly impossible to sell furniture and knicknacks, antique or valuable, or not these days, in a short time frame, and there weren't many second hand shops that would take things on consignment either. It would have been useful to have a list of where to call. If there are family heirlooms you want to ensure stay in the family, it's wise to think about that in advance and gift them while you can.
     
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  11. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
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    A lidt if accounts and broker info and etc. was first thing I gave her. I see you have thought of other things also. This is good.
     
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