These questions were sent to an Australian tourism website. The answers are by officials with a great sense of humour (and a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) ______________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (from UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (from USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. ________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( from Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, but take lots of water. ____________________________________________ Q: Do you have ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? If so, can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (from UK) A: What did your last slave die of? _________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( from USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is that big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. They have hippos there. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, Sydney. Come naked. _______________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (from USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (from UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do... _________________________________________________ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule of performances? (from USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. _________________________________________________ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (from Germany) A: No, we are a nation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (from USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. _________________________________________________ Q: What is the name of that Australian animal, a kind of bear and it lives in trees. (from USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. It drops out of Gum trees and eats the brains of people walking underneath. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q: I have invented a medicine that gives everlasting youth. Where I can sell it in Australia ? (from USA) A: Anywhere that significant numbers of people like you gather. ________________________________________________ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (from France) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (from USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first