A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friends start eating the peanuts on the coffee table, until they are all gone. As they're leaving, his friends say to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38! Turn from your sin!" The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman immediately called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!
Laugh of the day! Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."