To Those Who Are Grieving At Christmas Time

Discussion in 'Holidays & Traditions' started by Babs Hunt, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    #1
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2016
  2. Patsy Faye

    Patsy Faye Veteran Member
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  3. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    Probably most of us know the pain and grief of losing someone we love. That grief and pain always seems to intensify during Holidays and it is often very hard to get through, much less even participate in that Holiday when our pain and sorrow is so deep.

    My Mom died almost 12 years ago and yet at times the intense pain and grief I felt then can still rush in and overwhelm me even now...especially during the Holidays, or on her Birthday.

    The first Christmas after she passed there was no Christmas at my house. At first I was afraid to tell my husband and my children that I just couldn't decorate the house, bake holiday goodies, or even buy presents, etc. The only thing I wanted to put out was the Nativity and the outside icicle white lights. But when I did tell my husband and children they were compassionate and understanding. My husband gave our children money to buy the grandkids gifts from us, set up the Nativity, and hung the lights. I know we had Christmas at one of my daughters' houses but I don't remember one memory from that. I couldn't go in stores and see the Christmas stuff without bursting into tears and having to just turn around and get out of that store as fast as I could. It seemed everywhere hearts were merry and joyful, while mine was overflowing with grief and pain so deep it incapacitated me. I wore my Moma's old sweater all the time as if by wearing it I could feel her arms hugging me on e more time.



    I wasn't very nice to my Family sometimes. They were trying to help me, but they didn't understand what I really needed anymore than I did. And some of their words and actions hurt more than helped. Even though I believe in God...one of the worst things people could tell me at that time was that my moma was in a better place now that she was with God! I didn't want her in that better place yet...I still wanted her with me and the rest of her Family.

    I felt like I was drowning in tears of grief and pain, but I just could not make any effort to try to save myself. In a way it was like when my Mom died...I died too. In a way I did. It was my season of mourning and that season took me wherever I needed to go, for as long as I needed to go there.

    Even when your season of mourning ends, the grief and pain do not. They just mellow over time (but can come back just as intense off and on) and change in form and intensity. After almost 12 years without the physical presence of my Mom my grief and pain have mellowed into sweet solace for my heart. I may not have her physical presence but her spiritual presence lives in me so fully that I can actually feel her arms hug me when I put on her sweater, I can feel her love of babies (just like me) when I hold my grandbabies and I can feel her smiling at both of us.

    I miss her physical presence very much this year and I am feeling some of that intense grief and pain that I felt when she died. Once again I am not feeling like decorating for Christmas, buying presents, baking goodies, etc. and because I know what I need at times like this now...I'm giving myself the present of just letting be what needs to be at this time. We who have loss loved ones need to let ourselves mourn that loss...whenever we need to.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 7, 2016
  4. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    And Moma I miss you....

     
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  5. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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  6. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas
    “Happy Thanksgiving!” “Merry Christmas!” “Happy New Year!” As the end of the year approaches, everywhere we turn someone is telling us we should be happy.

    But for those who’ve recently lost someone they love, the holidays can seem more like something to survive than to enjoy. The traditions and events that can add so much joy and meaning to the season are punctuated with painful reminders of the person we love who is not here to share in it. Many have wished they could find a quiet place to hide until January 2.

    Click on link to read the rest of the article...
    large_what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas-m3dqxxxe.jpg
     
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  7. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Veteran Member
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    My SIL called us the other night. She was getting some Christmas cards ready to send out locally and was adding a small Dedication to her late husband into each card. They were married for about 50 years, but in recent years it definitely wasn't the best. He had gotten pretty sick, had some heart surgeries and had moved away from his wife. It was a combo of him not wanting her help and her not wanting to play "nurse" for him. This will be the first Christmas she has without him.

    That night, after talking to her sister, my wife was up in the middle of the night thinking (grieving) about her mom (who had passed away a few years ago), her BIL (her sister's husband I talked about above) and her son, who passed away as a teen (from cancer). Fortunately, with my help, her grieving doesn't last long. She is still very much in the Christmas mood.
     
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  8. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    It is good you can help her put away her grief for awhile @Cody Fousnaugh Holidays are always harder for those who have lost their loved ones. Here on this Seniors Forum there are so many of us who have experienced this and who appreciate those who help us "put aside" our own grief for awhile too. You are blessing your sister-in-law at a time when she really needs this, so I pray that the gift you are giving to her will also be given to you when you need it. Merry Christmas to you and your wife Cody! :)
     
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    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
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  9. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    It's a harder Christmas for me also, I lost my mom in June and just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes.

    My brother always does a Christmas newsletter with pictures and this year there was a big picture of my mom and I really can't look at it yet. :(
     
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  10. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    @Chrissy Cross I'm so sorry for your loss...sending (((HUGS))) your way. I lost my mom many years ago now...but her loss is always felt more at this time of year, so I do understand where you are right now and am so sorry you are having to go through this pain.
     
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  11. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    Thanks, at least I'm not alone and have a good distraction this year! I was suppposed to come here in September instead of Christmas but my mom's death and other things this summer had me in melt down mode and I had to cancel that trip and it was postponed til now. I already had my airline ticket at the time, thankfully I had til April to use it again and we decided on Christmas.
     
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  12. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    I can still remember when my mom died, but I cannot remember anything much from the first year or two after it. Sometimes I think it is a "gift" to be numb with grief so that our hearts have time to start healing before we have to live in the real world again.
     
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  13. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I'm at the point where I just can't think about her or I'll cry. Hopefully there will be a time I can look at pics, etc. I'm not there yet.

    After 13 years I can think about my husband without crying, although there are still some triggers that bring on the tears.

    But I'm a person who cries very easily anyway.
     
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  14. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    Just be yourself in this "season" of your life Chrissy. Feel what you need to feel or not feel, cry when you need to cry, etc. ...let your heart be your guide through this "journey" and one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
     
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  15. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Veteran Member
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    My wife is that way also (in red above). Actually, we can both get very "teary eyed" when we Holiday movie on the Hallmark Channel or watch one of our Christian DVD movies, like Heaven Is For Real or Do You Believe.
    There are different times during the year that she can miss her son. I tell her "I miss him too" and I never met the kid, but in me saying that, it really helps her cope with thinking about him. He would've been 52 and she always tells me that her son would have loved me and the things we do.

    What we do, "In Remembrance" of those we have lost, is to light all 7 red candles we have in our living room on a shelf.
     
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