To Those Who Are Grieving At Christmas Time

Discussion in 'Holidays & Traditions' started by Babs Hunt, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    #1
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2016
  2. Patsy Faye

    Patsy Faye Veteran Member
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  3. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    Probably most of us know the pain and grief of losing someone we love. That grief and pain always seems to intensify during Holidays and it is often very hard to get through, much less even participate in that Holiday when our pain and sorrow is so deep.

    My Mom died almost 12 years ago and yet at times the intense pain and grief I felt then can still rush in and overwhelm me even now...especially during the Holidays, or on her Birthday.

    The first Christmas after she passed there was no Christmas at my house. At first I was afraid to tell my husband and my children that I just couldn't decorate the house, bake holiday goodies, or even buy presents, etc. The only thing I wanted to put out was the Nativity and the outside icicle white lights. But when I did tell my husband and children they were compassionate and understanding. My husband gave our children money to buy the grandkids gifts from us, set up the Nativity, and hung the lights. I know we had Christmas at one of my daughters' houses but I don't remember one memory from that. I couldn't go in stores and see the Christmas stuff without bursting into tears and having to just turn around and get out of that store as fast as I could. It seemed everywhere hearts were merry and joyful, while mine was overflowing with grief and pain so deep it incapacitated me. I wore my Moma's old sweater all the time as if by wearing it I could feel her arms hugging me on e more time.



    I wasn't very nice to my Family sometimes. They were trying to help me, but they didn't understand what I really needed anymore than I did. And some of their words and actions hurt more than helped. Even though I believe in God...one of the worst things people could tell me at that time was that my moma was in a better place now that she was with God! I didn't want her in that better place yet...I still wanted her with me and the rest of her Family.

    I felt like I was drowning in tears of grief and pain, but I just could not make any effort to try to save myself. In a way it was like when my Mom died...I died too. In a way I did. It was my season of mourning and that season took me wherever I needed to go, for as long as I needed to go there.

    Even when your season of mourning ends, the grief and pain do not. They just mellow over time (but can come back just as intense off and on) and change in form and intensity. After almost 12 years without the physical presence of my Mom my grief and pain have mellowed into sweet solace for my heart. I may not have her physical presence but her spiritual presence lives in me so fully that I can actually feel her arms hug me when I put on her sweater, I can feel her love of babies (just like me) when I hold my grandbabies and I can feel her smiling at both of us.

    I miss her physical presence very much this year and I am feeling some of that intense grief and pain that I felt when she died. Once again I am not feeling like decorating for Christmas, buying presents, baking goodies, etc. and because I know what I need at times like this now...I'm giving myself the present of just letting be what needs to be at this time. We who have loss loved ones need to let ourselves mourn that loss...whenever we need to.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 7, 2016
  4. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    And Moma I miss you....

     
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  5. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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  6. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas
    “Happy Thanksgiving!” “Merry Christmas!” “Happy New Year!” As the end of the year approaches, everywhere we turn someone is telling us we should be happy.

    But for those who’ve recently lost someone they love, the holidays can seem more like something to survive than to enjoy. The traditions and events that can add so much joy and meaning to the season are punctuated with painful reminders of the person we love who is not here to share in it. Many have wished they could find a quiet place to hide until January 2.

    Click on link to read the rest of the article...
    large_what-grieving-people-wish-you-knew-at-christmas-m3dqxxxe.jpg
     
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  7. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    My SIL called us the other night. She was getting some Christmas cards ready to send out locally and was adding a small Dedication to her late husband into each card. They were married for about 50 years, but in recent years it definitely wasn't the best. He had gotten pretty sick, had some heart surgeries and had moved away from his wife. It was a combo of him not wanting her help and her not wanting to play "nurse" for him. This will be the first Christmas she has without him.

    That night, after talking to her sister, my wife was up in the middle of the night thinking (grieving) about her mom (who had passed away a few years ago), her BIL (her sister's husband I talked about above) and her son, who passed away as a teen (from cancer). Fortunately, with my help, her grieving doesn't last long. She is still very much in the Christmas mood.
     
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  8. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    It is good you can help her put away her grief for awhile @Cody Fousnaugh Holidays are always harder for those who have lost their loved ones. Here on this Seniors Forum there are so many of us who have experienced this and who appreciate those who help us "put aside" our own grief for awhile too. You are blessing your sister-in-law at a time when she really needs this, so I pray that the gift you are giving to her will also be given to you when you need it. Merry Christmas to you and your wife Cody! :)
     
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    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
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  9. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    It's a harder Christmas for me also, I lost my mom in June and just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes.

    My brother always does a Christmas newsletter with pictures and this year there was a big picture of my mom and I really can't look at it yet. :(
     
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  10. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    @Chrissy Cross I'm so sorry for your loss...sending (((HUGS))) your way. I lost my mom many years ago now...but her loss is always felt more at this time of year, so I do understand where you are right now and am so sorry you are having to go through this pain.
     
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  11. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    Thanks, at least I'm not alone and have a good distraction this year! I was suppposed to come here in September instead of Christmas but my mom's death and other things this summer had me in melt down mode and I had to cancel that trip and it was postponed til now. I already had my airline ticket at the time, thankfully I had til April to use it again and we decided on Christmas.
     
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  12. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    I can still remember when my mom died, but I cannot remember anything much from the first year or two after it. Sometimes I think it is a "gift" to be numb with grief so that our hearts have time to start healing before we have to live in the real world again.
     
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  13. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I'm at the point where I just can't think about her or I'll cry. Hopefully there will be a time I can look at pics, etc. I'm not there yet.

    After 13 years I can think about my husband without crying, although there are still some triggers that bring on the tears.

    But I'm a person who cries very easily anyway.
     
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  14. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    Just be yourself in this "season" of your life Chrissy. Feel what you need to feel or not feel, cry when you need to cry, etc. ...let your heart be your guide through this "journey" and one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
     
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  15. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    My wife is that way also (in red above). Actually, we can both get very "teary eyed" when we Holiday movie on the Hallmark Channel or watch one of our Christian DVD movies, like Heaven Is For Real or Do You Believe.
    There are different times during the year that she can miss her son. I tell her "I miss him too" and I never met the kid, but in me saying that, it really helps her cope with thinking about him. He would've been 52 and she always tells me that her son would have loved me and the things we do.

    What we do, "In Remembrance" of those we have lost, is to light all 7 red candles we have in our living room on a shelf.
     
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  16. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    @Babs Hunt I know and that's possible at home but here I have to think about the little ones and not cause them distress.

    I could cry when I was at my daughter's with the older grandsons because they understand and also see me every two weeks at least.

    This is a different relationship here. More intense while I'm here because my visits are few and far between.

    @Cody Fousnaugh ...that's nice of you to do that for your wife.

    I don't know if I was a cryer my whole life but as I've gotten older I can cry at the drop of a hat.
     
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  17. Ken Anderson

    Ken Anderson Veteran Member
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    Christmas is a tough time for a lot of people. Those who are alone are often most clearly aware of their loneliness at Christmas, for that is when they remember days when they were not alone, whether in their childhood or before their children moved away. At our age, for some of us, those who feature most prominently in our Christmas memories are gone now. Happy memories can bring sad realities.

    I was a paramedic for more than twenty years, and we would see more suicides or attempted suicides over the Christmas holidays than at any other time of the year.

    Think of people who might be alone at Christmas, and reach out to them if you can.
     
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  18. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I may be alone next Christmas unless I come here again. My daughter and family are planning to go to Maui because they're going to Europe in the summer when they usually go to Maui. I'm not going, so I may just stay in Fresno and I'm fine with that even if it will be the first Christmas alone in 65 years.

    Or if I've moved to my daughter's by then, I'll be at her house...alone.

    Or I could have a partner and be with him but that scenario is doubtful.
     
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  19. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    Christmas time is a time of hope and miracles @Chrissy Cross. And I know you said you don't like Scripture but I feel this one is speaking to you right now:

    Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you
    Plans for good and not for evil
    Plans to give you a future and hope.


    You don't have to worry about tomorrow or next Christmas. there is already a plan in place for your life at that time. Live one day at a time and let tomorrow take care of itself.;)
     
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  20. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    It's that time of year again and I just want to apologize if my trying to make the Christmas season merry and bright has caused pain to anyone.

    I know your pain at the loss of someone you love...or even something you love. I have that pain too. Since my Mom died Christmas just has not been the same for me. This year I decided to just take one day at a time and try to add a little Christmas cheer to that one day...and then the next, etc. It's not so easy though to really feel that cheer when you there is still grief in our hearts.

    I not only miss my Mom still, I also miss Ike and Gary who are no longer with us. My heart hurts at some of the changes that have been happening in not only my life and my husband's...but also in my family's lives. My heart hurts when y'all post about all the pain y'all are going through and I wish I could do something to help make it go away.

    For those who are having a hard time and grieving this Christmas season, I'm praying that you will feel your pain lift, you will have joy in your heart again, and you will feel love wrapping itself around you in a warm and comforting hug.
     
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  21. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I just had a bad moment @Babs Hunt .....I love Christmas otherwise.
     
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  22. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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    I understand but I feel so many are hurting right now...and I didn't mean to make to add to anyone's grief or pain.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 8, 2017
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  23. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    Yea, I just came across an old post of Gary's on another forum and it was replying to a thread on New Years resolutions.

    This was in 2015 and he said his was to live another year! Well, he did get one more. :(
     
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  24. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Veteran Member
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