A part of my definition of what a Family is...is being there for each other when you're needed. Being there for Family isn't always convenient, isn't always something you really feel up to being sometimes...but it is an important part of Family life. As a mother my daughters have always known if they needed me I would always do my best to be there for them and when I became a Granny I have always tried to be there for my grandkids too. As a natural Nurturer I always have felt I receive back in love and hugs what I give back in caring and sharing. So of course I don't like the fact that getting older has made it harder to always be there when needed now. And it may also have something to do with the fact that my Family has grown so much now that it is harder for me to be there when needed if everyone seems to need me at the same time. Like now. My middle daughter is finishing up her last week of schooling with those last week exams, etc. while her kids are finishing up their last few weeks of their schooling before summer vacation starts. This daughter also is working as an RN in between her schooling and taking care of her family. Now she is needing some help from me with the grandkids for the next couple of weeks to get everything finished. There is a few problems here for me though as this is turning into one of those times to many need my help. My daughter in Texas also needs me to come help her get her home ready to sell and to help pack up for their move back home to Lafayette. And my Honey needs me to be here most of the time because his vision is getting worse and I think he has some anxiety about being by himself now. I'm busy praying right now for some answers on how I can help everyone a little without shortchanging myself or any of them. And I'm venting about this by starting this tread because being able to put my thoughts into words helps me see things a little clearer than just being jumbled up in my head. My cup runneth over with Family blessings and I am so thankful for this...but it can get a little crazy now and then and I end up feeling I'm on a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs... I am not a "do good" at ups and downs person. Sometimes I don't think my Family sees me as just being one person...instead they each see me as the one person they need to help them at the moment and I can't clone myself to be that one person they each see as being there just for them. So while I know God will show me the answers I need right now, I hope y'all don't mind my "venting" my thoughts here too. And if anyone has some suggestions for me...please feel free to share them. @Chrissy Cross This is one time I wish you lived near me as I know we are alot of like and I wouldn't have any problem asking you to lend me a helping hand in helping me help my Family.
If ever it gets too much, the best solution is to talk it through This is where a lot of problems arise because people don't share their feelings I hope you do that Babs
I do share my feelings, especially with my Family Patsy. That's why I'm sharing them with my "Forum Family" too. My children understand that I'm older now and it's takes me longer to help with their needs...but I don't think they understand yet that if they all need me at one time...we can't clone me and we are going to have to share me.
I feel for you @Babs Hunt, I've been in this situation before and it all boils down to who are you going to please...your kids or yourself? And you would think the answer is easy but it's not....one time in my adult daughter's life I had a fight with her over an issue like this, the issue somehow resolved but it was a stressful time. My daughter was being selfish I thought. This happened. About 9 years ago when I had just gotten that terrific job with ES&S. Prior to that I had promised my daughter I'd watch the boys while they went somewhere (forget where) but in the meantime I got the job and had to be in another state, told her to call the other grandma or find someone else, I can't do it, can't say I'm not going especially on a job I just got. She was angry and said nobody else can watch the kids overnight, etc. I ended up watching my grandsons but somehow my ex maneuvered it so that I didn't have to ask for the time off but I was really angry.
Oh I had times like that to Chrissy but those times I called "taking advantage of me and not seeing me as a person just like them" times. My middle daughter who is very strong willed and can be controlling at times like her dad (my ex) seemed to think I was her own personal property. So at least 3 times I had to stand up to her and set her straight. She didn't like this and she hated saying she was wrong and I'm sorry even more. So the first time this happened we didn't talk for months...but she finally was given discernment and we "kissed and made up"...the next few times we talked things out more and made up alot faster and I can honestly say we have a much deeper and stronger relationship because of these times of having to get things straight. The times I'm talking about right now are different. My daughters really need my help right now and I want to give that help to them. The problem is them both needing my help at the same time. I actually think my Honey would just prefer for me to stay here and just help my daughter that needs help here. But my daughter in Texas has no one to help her declutter and pack up to sell her house and move back here and her children cannot take care of their own needs either. They are babies still while my middle daughter's children are all in school and able to tend to their needs quite well. I am sure the answers will come and everything will work out fine...I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by it all this morning and needed to talk about it.
I think I would choose the daughter with the younger children, although that's easy to say from here. Each has its pros and cons.
That is who asked me first for help and who needs it the most and she will get the majority of my help just because she can not take care of her children's needs and do all she needs to do for the move too. But today I will be going to meet my grandsons' school bus and be with them while my daughter takes her oldest to the High School she will attend next year to fill out some papers, etc. I told my Honey he is welcome to come play with the grandsons too but it is grocery truck day and he always comes home really tired from this day...so we will see if he will have any energy left to give to the grandsons' today. This daughter has also asked me for help on Thursday but that is when my Honey and I are going to lunch and a movie so if we can work out he time she needs me then I will help after her after I have my "date" with my Honey.
I remember, years ago, my step-mom asked me to come back to Indiana, live at the house and help her out. At this time, my step-dad had already passed away, however she was getting help from a neighbor that she'd know for years. Thing is, I didn't have the money to fly back, the vehicle I had definitely wouldn't make it back and she didn't have the money to pay my way back. She wasn't real happy when I told her that I doubt that I could make it back there. I talked to a very close friend and she told me "seriously think about how much your life would change and how long it would be that way. You wouldn't be able to have any kind of relationship with a woman either." I did give the matter some serious thought and decided it was better that I didn't go back. When I told her this over the phone, she was unhappy and I said "I'm sorry" and hung up. I was never that close to her anyway and she knew this. However, I was able to get back to Indiana a few years later, after she was placed in a Nursing Home. The Pastor of the church I attended there took me to the Nursing Home, but she had no idea who I was. But, at least I seen her before she passed away. We all can have some hard choices at times concerning family, but I think my choice in this matter was the correct one. I have never regretted saying "I'm sorry, I can't make it" to her.
Although she was your step mom and your relationship wasn't close...if it was your real mom and you were close...would you have done it @Cody Fousnaugh? I've always tended to choose families needs over mine, not always but for the most part and I don't regret it.
Even if it would've been my real mom, I just don't know. I would, and have, taken care of my wife after her surgeries back in 2000, but other than her. Since I wasn't close to any part of my family, and lived on the other side of the U.S. from them, I simply took care of myself. Well, I'll restate that in a way, there was a couple of times that I really got into a pickle (homeless) and a couple of very close friends (mother and daughter) helped me out. For mowing their lawn and running some errands for them, they gave me a bed and meals. Other than the help I got from these two, most of my life I've been a "taker" much more than a "giver". The reason for this is because I had a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone anyone else. Wife and I take very good care of each other..........the way it's suppose to be in a marriage.
There are times even with Family that you have to say "No"...and there is nothing wrong with saying No or I'm sorry but at this time I cannot be the one to help you. There are also times when we need our Family to help us instead of us always helping them, and we should not be afraid to let them know we need their help too. There is give and take in Family, but there shouldn't be just all of one and not the other. We each do what we can, and if we can't do something for whatever reason Family keeps right on loving you anyway and doesn't try to guilt trip you, etc. They may have a little problem the first time you say "No" or tell them "I'm sorry I just can't help at this time...but if they are Family the get past this. It takes time, effort, and understanding to build a close Family but most of all it takes love, patience, and the heart's desire that in spite of the differences and misunderstanding...being Family is worth it all.
This problem with saying "no" is one of the main reasons we would never move back to So. California where both of my wife's sisters live. The one sister has, and has had for years, mental disorders. When my wife's mother was alive, she would take care of the finances of this sister, but now it is the oldest sister that does that. The sister that requires the help is now living in a type of "care" home where she has a roommate and meals are taken care of. She no longer works and has no transportation, except the bus. The only time this sister leaves the home is when the older sister comes and gets her (to pay her rent) and takes her out to dinner. The sister is on medication and, every time we talk to her on the phone, she sounds like she's loaded. From my old EMS days, I darn sure know when a person sounds this way. My wife has told me a number of times that, if we lived back there again, the older sister would constantly ask my wife to do things for the one sister. She told me "I simply can not say no to her" and my wife knows that would create a very big problem for our marriage.
I forgot to mention @Babs Hunt in my earlier reply that my daughter has it all figured out now so that if her brother needs me at the same time she does she books me months in advance if possible...she usually knows her plans and trips etc so she asks if I can watch the boys the week of September such and such...I laugh and say I could be dead by then but say okay, but to have back up plans.
I'm glad the older sister doesn't have total responsibility for her sister with problems that make her unable to take responsibility for herself. I'm sure the older sister would enjoy a break now and then too. But everyone is different Cody and if your wife doesn't feel she could handle being asked to help with the challenged sister then y'all are making the right decision for y'all in not moving over there where you know she would be asked.
A few years ago when all 3 of my daughters were asking me for help in one way or another, I had to remind all them that even though I would help them if I could...they all needed to have back up and not put all the responsibility on me for being there to help them. I also had to remind them that I had my own family to take care of it even though it consists of just my Honey and me now and that we had a life to live that was just as important as each of theirs. It took them a little while to get the message but they did and they do have backup for the most part now. It's just this time their backup has plans and had to say "No" to helping them. So of course they ran to Moma. I will babysit for my middle daughter this afternoon for a few hours and then again on Thursday for a few hours but I will not be spending the night and riding with her the next morning to my daughter's home in Texas. I will spend the weekend with my Honey and then either my daughter from Texas will be coming in to look at some homes over here that the Real Estate lady they used to sell their old home over here is putting together for my daughter to see, if she comes in I will go back home with her...if she doesn't I will be taking one of my last train rides to her home on Monday. Things are falling into place and the feeling of everything hitting me at once is subsiding. Oh yeah and I'm not leaving my Honey hanging either...we will have lunch and a movie together on Thursday before I go sit with the grandsons (and maybe Papaw will come too) and we will have the weekend together too before I go to Texas.