This is a very personal issue. My late second wife and I promised that we would both be cremated, along with our two fur kids, and we would have one of my family members spread all of our ashes together into the ocean in Hawaii. She and fur kids have since been cremated, and I want to honor that promise. However, my current SO (and soon to be wife #3) is very upset that I plan on moving their ashes with us when we relocate to the south. The ashes are in my bank's safety deposit box here, and will make the same arrangements when moving. To me it is just a logistical issue, and I want to make it easy for my son/grandson to gather the ashes, etc. Somehow, though, this is causing her major heartache. I don't understand her issue, and she doesn't understand mine.
Wow bit of a sticky wicket there. What does she want you to do ? Will she she be cremated ? You need to check out the laws in your state- to make sure how your wishes are to happen. If you marry unless you have appointed IE and etc. she may be able to whatever she wishes with your remains. Sorry not sure there is simple answer.
I understand her. You are married to her now. She may be aware of the promise you made before but you have a new life with her, with new promises to her. This should have been discussed before you got married and if it was she wasn't fully honest with her feelings about it and maybe was hoping you would change your mind. Would you feel better if you honored your former wife's memory by doing as you promised except without you? Your vows did state 'until death do you part' as does your vows to your present wife.
Thanks for the input. think she would prefer that I leave all the ashes behind, 900 miles away from new home. She wants a traditional burial next to her mother. I do think she would honor my wishes and allow my son to take custody of my own ashes, and then fulfill my promise
Thank you for your input. Well, we are not married yet, and she has known about my promise to wife #2 all along. And she knows I'm not likely to change my mind. I made a promise, and that promise didn't end with her death. And as a matter of practicality, I really don't have any other options for the ashes. I dunno.
How far are you willing to push this Hoot? If both of you are totally entrenched does not sound good for your future/ Is her thought based just on jealousy or is it a passive aggressive way to set control.? Are you willing to walk away from this relationship over a can of dust? Is your current SO willing to chuck the whole deal over a can of dust? Is this so dearly held that it will cause bad feelings to simmer for years? How about you give your wifes ashes to the family member for safe keeping as thats where they were going to end up any way? In a safe deposit box? Why? What is wrong with your mantle or a small creche in your home?
I was going to suggest the same thing that @Peter Renfro did, that maybe you could just give the ashes to whichever family member is in charge of taking them to Hawaii for you. Personally, I can’t see what would be the reason for your fiancé to object so much to you taking the ashes along with you when you move. She has known this whole time what the plan was, so it is not like she expected anything different. As Peter said, I think that this might just be the tip of something much bigger, and it seems to me like it would have to be either jealousy or a control issue (which seems the most likely to me). This is something that only you can decide what to do, but I definitely agree with your position that you have the obligation to keep your promise to your second wife and the fur babies. When we have later relationships like this, it is important to have an understanding of prior promises and obligations that each person might have.
@Hoot Crawford, I apologize for referring to your SO as your wife. So I'm understanding that you wish to bring the deceased wife's ashes to your new home? I'm trying not to be the devil's advocate here but no wonder there's a problem. Look at it this way, would you want to have your SO's ashes in you new home where you are to begin a new life together as husband and wife?
He is not even keeping them in his home, but in a safe deposit box; just like he has been doing all of this time. When they move, he would put them in a safe deposit box again. Even so, his fiancé has known for all of this time that he was saving the ashes and that they would all be scattered in Hawaii when he passes away; so I can’t understand why all of a sudden this is an issue to her now, just because they are moving to a different house. Nothing else has changed.
To be clear, I am not referring to 'where' the ashes are but the feelings involved by both people. I'm not thinking 'control' is an issue either but 'consideration of the feelings in the relationship' as a whole. Major changes (marriage, new home) are about to take place and with that comes feelings that change with them. Maybe it was okay because there was no 'real' commitment between the two as it stands now and they have come to the surface.
Hoot, I agree with Yvonne. This sounds more like a control issue to me. I knew when I married my husband that he had a past, including past loves... as did I. I know that he has a box in the closet in the study that has pictures of his high school sweetheart and many other mementos of his youth. Also there are photo albums with pictures of his first wife and his children, that will someday be given to the kids. Those are his memories, and they did not include me. I also have pictures and mementos of my first marriage because that produced my two sons; it is my past and it belongs to me. My previous husband and current husband can be civil to each other at family gatherings with our grandchildren. Petty jealousy has no point and can be destructive. All this to say, your current "so" seems particularly insecure to be bothered by ashes. Not sure I'd put up with such nonsense, particularly since she has always known about that plan.
It may not be about control at all, at least hoping for the best. (though many people do want control). It may be about love divided. A living person wants to know they are loved , and that nothing else is in between that love, married or not, but especially after married.
@Hoot Crawford "Cremains" are quite precious to some, important to others, and nonchalantly overlooked by the rest. However, they are easily disturbed, displaced, even lost. IMO, placing them on a mantle-piece is a mistake if they are truly revered. My sister abhorred the thought of "ashes" to the extent she would not look upon, much less touch, the container having our mother's within. I finally succeeded in getting her to hire a funeral director to mail them to me. My suggestion would be that you have a trusted third party dispose of the cremains as you direct.
Mahalo (Hawaiian for Thank You) to all of you for your thoughtful, nonjudgmental posts. I really don't want to say anything about my SO's motive, because she has no way to defend herself on here. I like to be fair. I never wanted to put the ashes on display, and I really don't want to ask any of my family to take custody, since wife #2 was not their mother/grandmother/etc. And since wife #2 was the youngest of her siblings. there isn't any of her family I could ask. For now, I think the solution of keeping the ashes in the bank safety deposit box, while not ideal, may be a workable compromise. Thanks again.
We got rid of all the pictures of my wife and her 2nd husband, and my wife was fine with that. What also was fine was that she wanted to replace all of the diamonds in the wedding set I gave her with the ones from 2nd husband. The 2nd husbands wedding diamonds were of much better quality. So, my wife wedding set has the second husbands wedding set diamonds in it and the diamonds from the wedding set I gave her are in earrings she has. All fine with me. Really, the "bottom line" here is...........if a couple really love each other, the word "compromise" has to happen.