Caution: Pity Party Ahead Oh my gawd, I am so filled with dread today; I just don't want to go to chemo tomorrow. I've been crying and sniveling and generally a pain in the butt today. I honestly don't know if I can do these last 2 treatments; I am so tired of feeling horrible and looking like a zombie with dead eyes and shaky hands. Earlier I was reading a woman's post on the BC forum. She's been through all the treatments and had a mastectomy. Before a month had passed she got some small red bump things on the mastectomy scar... more cancer. Am I just going through this hell for nothing? I really feel defeated and I told my husband he needs to stop with the Pollyanna stuff... I'm probably going to die from this. So I'll be dragging my feet tomorrow, probably crying and moaning to the oncologist, and getting pumped full of more poison. My next week (or two) will be total misery. Where the hell did my life go? This will be chemo #15. FIFTEEN.
That has to be a terrible feeling, wondering if you are going through all of this suffering and pain, and have it be for nothing. But the other side of that is that there are people who went through the chemo, and then they recovered and are fine, and have a long life ahead. There is no way to know until you do it. Try to get as much rest as you possibly can, so that your body can try to heal itself. Sending you hugs and prayers for your hard day tomorrow, @Beth Gallagher .
I am so sorry you are going through this, @Beth Gallagher, so much so that I considered not saying anything at all, knowing that anything I could say would be without value. I can only pray that you will get through it and that there will be recovery at the other end of it.
Thanks, Yvonne. I can't believe I've turned into such a sniveler; I guess I didn't believe this was going to be so damn hard. I just want it to be OVER. I have already decided that if I get a recurrence after this hell, I'll sign on for palliative care immediately. I won't go through this again. I appreciate the hugs and prayers so much.
Thank you, Ken. Honestly, you can't imagine how much your words mean to me, so thanks for that. And never think that what you say is without value, because it could mean the world to someone.
@Beth Gallagher you are not yet a survivor, but you are certainly a warrior. You are nearing the end of this treatment. Please stay strong for a few more weeks. The lady you mentioned form the BC forum probably is not receiving the quality of care that you are getting, but there is always a bit of luck in this ordeal.
Praying that our heavenly Father will wrap you in the refuge of His wings and minister unto you all you need Beth. May He fill you with peace and be your strength as you go once again on the battle field.
Ugh. We got up at 5 a.m. to be at the medical center by 7. I had my blood work and then saw my doctor. He decided to postpone my chemo for a week and is sending me for another echocardiogram to make sure my heart isn't being harmed by the AC. Apparently my rapid heartbeat is concerning him, too. Anyway, I'm off the hook for this week which is a relief... but on the other hand I really wanted to get this over with. So I'm about to put my pjs on and climb back into bed. I didn't sleep but about 2 hours last night and I'm beat. Oh, and I did cry and carry on in the doctor's office. I told him I don't want to go through all this hell and then die anyway. He said, "you're not going to die." Of course he doesn't know that, but it was reassuring nonetheless.
I guess they took note of my squalling in the doctor's office earlier because a mental health associate from MDA called me this afternoon. She was asking about my "fear and anxiety" and I wanted to tell her "why don't you get inflammatory breast cancer, go through 15 horrible weeks of chemo, know that you have a mutilating surgery in a couple of months and tell me how your mental health is doing??" Puh-leeze. Sorry, but cancer patients don't have to be tra-la-la happy. Of course I told her there was nothing to be concerned about; just jitters. I don't need that "mentally unbalanced" notation on my chart.
@Beth Gallagher Your concern for what goes on the damned chart is commendable, and I'm not sure all the doctors involved would understand that! Frank
Yeah, I suppose they are concerned that I might "harm myself." SERIOUSLY???? Why the hell would I be subjecting myself to cancer treatment if I have a death wish? Yeah, I'll go through the chemo from hell so I can shoot myself later.