I'm not looking for sympathy because I've only seen him a couple of times in the past fifty years, but my younger brother was found dead in his apartment this morning. One of my older brothers had the police break in for a wellness check because he hasn't been answering his phone, and because everyone knew he was sick. He was five years younger than me and with a 17-year range of ages within myself and my siblings, the youngest was the first to go. His life was shortened by several years of alcoholism and smoking. Although he had apparently quit drinking for the past ten years or more, a lot of damage had already been done, and I think he only quit smoking a few years ago (if that) after his COPD had gotten so bad that he couldn't walk down the steps. His death hasn't hit me as a loss because I hadn't been in touch with him much anyhow, except on Facebook sometimes. On the phone, we would run out of things to talk about quickly and the conversations were uncomfortable. After a four-year enlistment in the Army, he wasn't allowed to reenlist, probably due to his drinking. As he had no job or much hope of getting one, at the time, in the UP of Michigan, I took him in while I was living in California because jobs were easy to come by there, at the time. The first place I sent him to, I had already set it up and they had agreed to hire him, but he came home saying they wouldn't hire him. After several other job interviews in places that would hire anyone with a pulse, he still insisted that he couldn't find a job. I had room for him, as I had a three-bedroom apartment and there was just my son and me, and I was earning enough money to pay for his keep, but he did nothing around the apartment and would argue about stupid stuff like losing a board game. I had quit smoking when I first took my son in, even before the adoption, because I didn't want him to pick up the habit, yet my brother smoked constantly and it was all too obvious that he smoked in the house when I wasn't there. I went into his room one day while he was out somewhere, and found dirty dishes and empty beer cans under the bed, as well as cigarette ashes everywhere. I couldn't keep him there, particularly because I was raising a boy who I think was about ten then, and that wasn't the example I wanted for him. Plus, I didn't understand alcoholism at the time and mostly felt betrayed. There was also the fact that I had invited him there because I knew there was work available, yet he was unwilling to take a job. Instead, I made arrangements with one of my other brothers to pick him up in Chicago and bought him a train ticket to Chicago. Over the years, we've gotten past that, I suppose, particularly after he quit drinking, and it's not like I was the only person who couldn't have him living with them. But we didn't have a lot in common.
Sorry to hear this Ken...Even tho the relationship wasn't pleasant it was family and it's hard to break that bond.
A five-year age difference is a lot when you're a kid and, while I have gotten to know my older brothers as adults, my younger brother drank his way through adulthood so that didn't happen.
Sorry to hear about your brother and good that you can share about it. Over the years I have heard so many similar stories of siblings that don't associate and usually because of addiction problems and unwillingness for one to do their part to maintain a healthy relationship. Being a single child I often think that having no siblings was better than having a troubled sibling that refused help. I shall never know.
Regardless Ken, it is still a bit to get over. there are those in life whom are beyond help. You did waht you could.
Very sorry to hear you lost a brother. My younger brother died almost 3 years ago and he too was 5 years younger than myself.
Having grown up in a family of Alcoholics I nodded my head in agreement about what you said about your brother, in my case, it’s 1/2 brothers and sisters I’m the eldest and still going strong where 3 of the younger siblings are deceased mainly due to alcohol/drugs/smoking. None of them ever held down a job for more than a week. However if your anything like me you would most likely be sad just at the thought of a why do some decide to go down that road leading to a destructive lifestyle. That’s how I felt when attended Ian’s paupers funeral service a couple of years ago he was 61. I have seen the destruction excessive drinking/smoking had on my parent's health and early death and decided at a very young age I WOULD not ever drink or smoke and never have.
We can not pick our family, but we also do not have to take crap off them. Tough love, I think they call it. I never got along with my family, so I left them alone and they, me, worked out for the best.
I'm sure it will hit me harder in time. When my mother died, it hit me immediately because I was living at home and the loss was immediate. When my father died, he was in Michigan and I was in California, so I suppose it was easy for me to believe, emotionally rather than intellectually, that he was still there, in Michigan. What is most likely to hurt, as far as my brother is concerned, is that there is no longer any chance of anything better.