When on vacation to see family and/or friends, who pays for meals at a restaurant? Do family or friends pay for single person when that person is on vacation, or does the person pay their food bill? There are family members and/or friends that feel that it's nice gesture to pay for some, or all, of the meals a family member has at a restaurant. Ok, here what goes: My SIL (wife's sister) will arrive here on Tuesday evening thru early Thursday AM. She can't stay with us, because we have absolutely no room. She understands that, so she is staying at a nice hotel. My wife mentioned to me about us paying for her breakfast on Wednesday morning when we meet at iHOP. My wife gets no pay for sick days or vacation, but does get an excellent weekly salary. We will see the SIL on Wednesday, but my wife won't get paid for the day off to see her. If my SIL can afford this almost 3-week trip that she taking, she should be able to afford her own restaurant meals. She doesn't have to worry about hotel rooms, because her relatives (cousins) in Michigan are having her stay with them. What do you think?
I don't know if there's a convention covering that. When my brothers visit me here, I generally pay when we eat out at a restaurant, and one of the other of my brothers insisted on paying while we were visiting in Michigan a few weeks ago. At other times, it depends on who gets to the check first.
It has been my experience that the person who suggests going out to eat is generally the person who has counted their bankroll and is ready to pay the bill. That said, unless the host insists on paying the bill then I would at the very least, try to pay for my wife and myself. The only other thing to consider is what to order if someone else is paying the nut. I generally watch what the host orders (price wise) and order accordingly.
If I'm staying at someone's house rent-free, the meals (plural) are on me. Is all this really over the price of an IHOP breakfast?
No, it's not just "over the price of an IHOP breakfast", it's just that, and I've told my wife this, "we are losing $400 for a day to be with her". Anyway, I was just curious, that's all.
When we were in Vegas last December, and SIL drove in from So California to see us, she paid for her own breakfast at MGM Buffet. Wife paid for ours, then she paid for her own. Same thing happened at Southpoint Buffet. We paid for our and she paid for her own. My wife is a "giver" whereas I, basically have never been. I never made a salary where I could be a "giver" like that.
Yeh, the situation is different when everyone is out of town together, versus the "Visitor/Host" dynamic. Regarding the current scenario, you would not be the first couple to disagree over such a thing. The situation would be clearer if your SIL were staying for free at your place...there would be a clear implied obligation. How does your wife really feel about it? Is she doing this out of a sense of obligation, while she also resents it? If so, your household would be out-of-pocket and you gotta live with a resentful spouse. Heck, maybe your wife doesn't even know why she's doing this. If I were you I'd not say anything to anyone but the people on this forum...not over this amount of money. There's a dynamic between those two siblings that either shall always be, or shall not get resolved if there's a 3rd party [you] they can deflect with. Heck, offer your SIL the ketchup with a sincere smile and throw them off!
Well, John, if my wife decides to pay for her sister's meals, so be it. When she brought up paying, she just thinks it would be a nice gesture. Then, after telling her, of which she already did know, that she is losing the $400 pay for tomorrow for taking the day off, she thought some. Guess there are those that feel an obligation to pay for an out-of-town family member visit and those that don't feel that obligation. And, come to think about, we were going to buy tickets to an animal show in the back of The Mirage (Vegas) and my wife was going to pay for her sister's ticket, but the Show was sold-out, so couldn't buy tickets anyway. She simply feels obligated to her sister that is four years older. When she on the phone talking with her sister, she is extremely nice to her, but, after the call, she can sometimes say things not-so-good about her sister. Guess that happens in families.
I don’t understand the logic Cody. If your wife is taking time off of work to visit with her sister and wants to shell out 30 or so beans to fellowship over lunch or dinner, so what? At your age you should realize that it might be the very last time your wife gets to see her own sister so money shouldn’t even be brought into the equation. I’m not trying to be cruel but your wife’s sister is already footing much of the bill just to visit and if the truth be told, she probably didn’t really put much thought into visiting you personally but rather to be with actual family. I have no doubts that Yvonne’s family wouldn’t even think about visiting if it were not for Yvonne so my last statement wasn’t as a slam but to help you recognize the reality of things. If your wife wants to take off from work and foot the 30 or so beans to dine with her sister, it’s her job, her sister and her choice. Like all of us 3rd, 4th and 5th wheels, just learn how to nod your head and be a gracious cowpoke. Note: There’s also that element of making it known when one is a success. Your wife has a great job and is a good provider and maybe she just wants to show off a little. If it helps your wife gain a little more self esteem, then let her be happy doing it and don’t make her feel guilty about it. With the exception of her job, you’ll regain all of your wife’s undivided attention when her sister leaves.
Yup. For the price of an IHOP breakfast, you can afford to stay out of the middle of this one and not be a factor in it (of course, your wife is most likely feeling doubly guilty over the household's lost wages that's collateral damage to the main sister issue.) Try to get on your wife's side in helping her understanding this. She's already plenty resentful with herself that she makes these offers without thinking. It's not easy to break these habits...2 steps forward and 1 step back. She needs a friend. Regarding "things happening in families:" I come from a family of 6 kids. That phrase has always been used as an excuse for some intentionally nasty stuff (except for me and one brother.) I'm all for that word [family] being used in a sense of above & beyond mutual support, but when it's in the context of the right to use someone (and the obligation to "take it"), the User looses their right to even utter "family", much less rely on it as some kind of entitlement. I hope your wife can work through this habit and the dynamic of constantly subjugating her own self to others. She is not avoiding conflict, she's taken it all on herself...and the cost is exceeding the benefit, as it always does. It's a tough habit to break, but it's never too late. And she'll never get perfect at it. But that's OK.
When it comes to adult siblings, I think there's a strong incentive not to be seen as needing a handout. We may compete in different ways as adults, but the competition is still in play.
Got that right, Ken. Actually, the SIL wanted my wife to perhaps take a couple of days off sick. She simply doesn't remember that we just had an entire week off the middle of July and also doesn't remember that my wife gets no PTO (sick or vacation) for time she takes off. When we first heard that SIL was going to stop by here, wife wasn't going to take a day off. When she had the week off, we lost an entire week of pay, but we already knew that. Simply saying, wife has the kind heart that I could never afford.
If your wife would like some breathing room from the situation, the valid reason of "I'm a contract worker with no paid PTO and cannot afford to lose the money right now" is deserving of understanding. You all can get together for dinner, if your wife is OK with that. If your wife feels as though she is being used (and it sounds as though she does feel that way), that is not having a kind heart. She's avoiding conflict, and she's paying the price.
Bobby, my wife and her sister aren't nearly as close as you may think. She has told me numerous times, "we will never move back to So California. My sister would have me doing things for my other sister, so she wouldn't have to anymore. Sort of like my own family, which very few are left, her family is somewhat dysfunctional also. When I first met my wife, she was planning on leaving So California and moving to Laughlin, Nevada. She hadn't told any member of her family (mom, sisters, brother or nieces of her plans. Of course, she told me and I talked her out of it (so hot) and into moving to Colorado. IOW, Bobby, like it or not, not all families get along.