Hi everyone. New member here. Just curious if any of you have had to step back from a long-term friendship. My situation is this: I have a close friend of 50 years who has been a huge part of my life. We have literally grown up together, seeing each other through every aspect of our lives...relationships, divorces, deaths, etc. My friend is a highly intelligent, A-Type personality. We share the same wicked sense of humour. She has been very kind and caring to me for all these years, but she is also often disrespectful, critical, judgemental, and opinionated. She's the kind of person who likes to tell others how they should be living their lives. None of my other friends are like this. They accept me and love me for who I am, without judgement. I've tolerated her negative behaviours for such a long time, but now that I'm older I'm finding it more difficult to be around her. In fact, I almost dread seeing her because I anticipate that she'll say something to upset me. And she usually does. I think that in our "Golden Years," friends should be even more kind and supportive to each other because, let's face it, aging is no picnic. I want to surround myself with those who lift me up and not put me down. When I confront her about her behaviour, she backs off and apologizes, but then it happens again. I'm not prepared to say goodbye to a 50-year relationship, but things between us certainly have changed. I don't have a strong desire to be in her company anymore, so I've not made the effort. Covid has made distancing easier. Plus, she lives 45 minutes away in winter and the rest of the year two hours away at her summer home, so I have to go out my way to visit her, and I'm not comfortable with highway driving anymore. I'm so conflicted by how I should approach this relationship going forward. It feels like it's run its course. Thanks for any insights you may offer!
It's kind of hard to let a 50-year-old relationship go, I'd imagine. Given the distance, this may not be something that you need to face, head-on, however, particularly given the understandable excuse of not being up to driving. Welcome to the forum.
Thanks, Ken. Unfortunately, my friend was angry with me in the summer when I said I was not comfortable driving two hours by myself to visit her. Not that I'm a bad driver or have poor eyesight. I have anxiety and just the thought of going on Canada's busiest and most accident-prone highway makes me anxious. My friend told me I'm turning into an old lady. I'm only 66.
Hello Jaspurr and welcome. Sorry I have no input on your situation, but it sounds like a tough spot to be in. Sometimes I think getting older has a way of magnifying our character defects; I know I'm a lot crabbier than I used to be. I hope you can get things worked out with your friend... 50 years is a lot of history.
Thanks. Yes, I know I'm crabbier and certainly less tolerant of nonsense. I'm tired of her criticizing me and telling me how I should be running my life. I know I can't expect her personality to change. She's always been like this. My tolerance level has changed. It is a tough spot.
I’m very much a loner so take this for what it’s worth. It sounds to me like your memories of the past times are more valuable to you than what you experience now. If you did not have those experiences, would you befriend such a person now? It doesn’t sound like it. Furthermore, in my opinion, she is not showing respect for how you feel. You have told her and she basically doesn’t care enough to discipline herself. I’d drop that relationship in a minute and just be content that I have good memories. If she comes back to you wanting to continue, you need to make it clear she makes you feel worse, not better, when in her company. My $0.02.
Thanks for this. You make some good points. I know that I really have to evaluate what I'm getting out of the relationship now. To be honest, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with her nonsense anymore when I have lovely, supportive relationships with my other friends.
This is a hard thing to have to deal with, and I can appreciate that it has been giving you a lot of thought about what to do, @Jaspurr Miller . Any friend that you have known for most of your life and been close to would be someone you would undoubtedly miss if you ended the friendship. I can certainly see that you would not want to have to drive for 2 hours on a busy highway to go and visit her, and it seems unreasonable to me that she would expect you to do that. It is after all, the same distance for her to come and visit you; so let her do the driving if she wants that. I had a very dear friend, who was like family to me (she just passed away last summer and I miss her a lot), and all her life, she was a very negative thinker. I am sure if I had won a million dollars, she would have been cautioning me about scammers and not telling me how wonderful it was that I won the million. So, while I did not enjoy the constant negativity, I truly loved Joy, and wanted to keep her in my life. After I moved from Idaho to Alabama, we were too far away to see each other, so we visited by texts and by phone calls. Possibly this might work for you and your dear friend also, since it gives you more control over the interaction of the visit, especially with texts. You can steer the conversation away from topics that will start her being judging about you, or remind her that she is doing it, at least; which is harder to do in an actual person to person visit. She probably does this because she cares so much about you, and not because she means to be controlling, and if you acknowledge that and then move on, maybe she will get the idea that the input is not wanted, and you can still keep the friendship, but on your own terms. Also…..Welcome to the Forum ! There is an introduction area where you can tell us a little more about yourself (where you live, etc) if you would like to do that. We are always curious, you know….and are happy to tell you where we live as well. ( I am an Idaho transplant now living my life in northern Alabama. )
It's funny that as we get older people might label us as cantankerous, when the real issue is that we realize how precious our time is, and others have no right to waste it. Don't doubt your right to act in your own best interest, @Jaspurr Miller. The fact that you struggle with out of consideration for the feelings of others speaks highly of you.
Here's a quick list: (1) She thinks I should be "doing more" during my retirement, like volunteering, travelling, etc. I have no desire to do those things, and I'm quite content with what I am doing...spending lots of time with my wonderful hubby, going for daily walks, getting together with friends for lunches and dinners, working on art projects, reading, playing on-line games, discussing interesting topics in on-line forums like this, trying new recipes, etc. (2) She's obsessed with her looks and overweight people bother her. I've been overweight all my adult life and I'm sensitive about it. Several times she's told me I should lose weight because she's worried about my health. The thing is, I'm healthier than she is. She's had skin cancer, breast cancer, asthma, and two shoulder replacements. At 66, I've never even had a surgery. She smokes cigarettes and drinks too much (which often makes her nasty). (3) As I mentioned before, she doesn't respect that I have anxiety issues and thinks it's silly that I don't want to drive two hours by myself to see her. She keeps bugging me and chiding me for it. Her other friends make the drive, and she tries to guilt me into saying, "I've always thought that if someone wants to do something badly enough, they'll just do it." (4) She claims that years ago she got food poisoning after I cooked dinner for her and her husband. Since then, she refuses my offer to bring food when I visit, unless it's non-perishable. And then she teases me about it, which embarrasses me and makes me feel bad. I've had to tell her to knock it off more than once. There is so much more. Don't have the time to cover everything here. :-(
Don't you hate that?? People are always saying that to me, like I don't know what makes me happy in life. I'm a homebody and this is exactly what I want.
Thank you, John, for your kind words. I do always try to be respectful and considerate of other's feelings. But I admit I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to standing up for myself. I don't like confrontations and hate to be "on the outs" with any of my friends and family members.
Exactly what i think, too, @Beth Gallagher . Every person is different, and we all want to live the life we can for as long as we can do that. It seems like this kind of thing happens a lot with families, we have had threads here about parents/adult children and the same thing happening. Either the parent still wants to “mother” the adult child or now the child wants to “mother” the parent, and it always causes anxiety. I am glad that you are dealing with this with your friend, @Jaspurr Miller , and hoping that you and she can come to an agreement that works for both of you. It sounds like she has a whole list of changes she wants you to make and that you do not want to do.
Yes. I'm not one of those retirees who always has to be "busy." I was busy enough in my younger days with two careers...one for 21 years and one for 14 years. I have zero desire to commitment myself to doing certain activities on a regular basis (like volunteering) or answering to anyone. I love doing whatever I want, when I want. If I feel like reading a book for three hours, I do that. If I feel like going out for a walk, I do that. If I feel like having coffee with a friend as I did today, I'll do that. At my age and in this stage of my life, I don't need anyone telling me what I "should be" doing.
Thanks for sharing your story. Most of my interactions with this friend since she moved out of town several years ago has been via messaging and texts, especially during the last three years under Covid. I know she cares about me, but I think she does know she's controlling. She does try to get people to do what she wants them to do. She will goad them and badger them. Try to lay a guilt trip. Doesn't work with me. I get very stubborn and simply refuse to do what she wants. It annoys her to end. LOL