Cooling It With A Friend

Yes. Thank you, Yvonne.

 

Wise words. Thanks for this.

 

Even though you have a "hubby", have you always been THIS independent? Not saying you are wrong for being this way, but you'd remind me more of someone who went thru a bad marriage and said "never again!" and "I love doing whatever I want, when I want and answering to nobody for anything."

 

As far as your friend goes, now that you've explained it better to me, I wouldn't care how long you've known her............I would most definitely, LET HER GO!!

My wife had a female friend that was very, very jealous about how much wife and I were seeing each other after we met. Before we met, this friend and my wife done a lot of things together, but after we met, that all changed. The friend even told me, "you'll have to share her with me" and I said "sorry, that isn't going to happen". My wife agreed. So, my wife ended up ending the friendship with this lady and I fully backed her on doing that.

 

I am quite independent, yes, but the main point I was making is I've worked hard most of my adult life, dealing with constant deadlines, high expectations, heavy workloads, and all the stress and pressure that comes with it. Also, for many years I was the primary caregiver for my elderly mother, who was often impatient and demanding. Very stressful. For these reasons, in my retirement I want to have as few commitments as possible and simply enjoy the things I love to do, when I want to do them, without pressure from other people. I also struggle with anxiety, so I want a more laid-back lifestyle. Hope this clarifies my position.

 

Interesting. I had a similar experience with the friend I'm talking about. She and I were inseparable since high school. When I met my husband in my 30s, of course I started spending most of my time with him and much less time with my friend. I didn't abandon her, but she perceived it that way. She had tons of other friends and a husband, so it's not like she had no one else. I remember her saying, "I hate it when people dump their girlfriends after they meet a man." I think her main problem was she was no longer central in my life. She's a narcissist. They like to control people. That's how they operate. She eventually got over it, but that was a rocky period in our relationship.

 

Contrary to what “some” believe, just because a woman gets married doesn’t mean that she suddenly loses her brain and the ability to do for herself so yes, being independent is a great asset.
Personally speaking, if my wife wasn’t an independent lady then we probably wouldn’t have hit it off 20 years ago. Neither one of us took each other to raise and she definitely wasn’t looking for a master nor did she get one.

To the topic at hand, sometimes our friends do not realize that we have to grow and do not need to seek approval by living vicariously as someone else.
In order to keep growing, we need to branch out and find new interests, refine old ones and maybe even change whole lifestyle habits that do not necessarily jive with what friends agree with but the axiom of “to thine own self be true” is as valuable today as it ever was.

It’s a rough comparison but to me, the whole of it is like running a cross country race and in order to win it, others in the race are going to have to be left behind.
It doesn’t mean that we do not like or even love the others in the race but it does mean that we can’t win by running at their pace.

And, to be a bit crude: The lyrics of the Isley Brothers song……”You can’t even run your own life, I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine”… is quite fitting at times.

 

Well said, particularly the song quote. I often find that those who are overly critical and judgemental with their friends are insecure and unhappy with their choices in life.

 

Especially if the divisive culprit is marriage. When one party finds earthly fulfillment with another party, instead of feeling happy for the two, the one left behind can get a stubborn case of “mommy likes you best” (envy) syndrome.
They find that you have what they wished they have and mask envy with speaking as though they are trying to be protective.

 

@Juspurr miller .. my BFF of 50 plus years are very different on may issues but our friendship has always been more important than our differences. I would not ditch a friend of many years, but would clearly state what I want and need at this time in our lives. And, if you need to make changes, than so does she.

 

While I understand what you are saying here Bobby, I have to somewhat disagree. When wife and I met, we were both the "clingy" type and it has really worked out for us. Very seldom do we do anything apart. Neither of us really want to be "independent". Anyway, this has worked in our marriage that is going on 22 years next month.

 

You’re basing your opinion on the idea that independence means separate. In short, it doesn’t.
One can be independent and joined to another at the same time.

In days gone by, a wife couldn’t have her own bank account, have a credit card, own a car, own land or even vote. The jobs she could have were limited to whatever the husband allowed IF he allowed her to work outside the home at all.
Everything she purchased was based on the back pocket of the husband and however much money he gave her to do her shopping.
In short, the husband was the master and the wife totally dependent upon him for everything.

 

Sure, friends have differences, and I don't intend to dump her but I have told her that at this stage of life we should be kinder and more patient with each other. I have told her that I don't appreciate her judgements and criticism. She apologizes profusely, but eventually does the same thing. I can't change her personality; she's always been like this. So...we're at an impasse. I think our relationship is changing into an "arm's length" one, where we touch base only once in a while via Facebook message/texts to let each other know we still care about each other, but recognize the closeness and the need to spend time together isn't there anymore. And maybe that's okay.

 

Instead of traveling 2 hours to meet with someone you really don’t want to invest a lot of time with, face time might be a solution.
You can maintain a relationship but have it from a distance and as seldom or often as you please.