Old man makes his wife promise she’d bury him with all his money when he died. Being the honest Christian woman that she is, when her husband died she put his money into her account, wrote him a check and had it buried with him.
Yesterday I worked on my rowboat. I built it lightly enough that I can pick it up and walk with it. I had never been happy with the sturdiness of the top rails where my homemade sliding oarlocks fasten. I attached a further thin laminate strut there with screws and glue. Around my house and yard I work barefoot. When I woke up this morning I felt pain in two of my toes when I walked. I was puzzled because I hadn't dropped anything on my foot nor stepped on anything sharp. I discovered that two toes were tightly bound to each other and thought it must be dried blood sticking them together. There was no blood, though and no color at all to whatever held them together. I soaked them in warm soapy water and whatever was holding them came undone. The pain had come from the toes holding together as they flexed when I walked. I was very puzzled. Then something occurred to me. As I worked on my boat, evidently a drop of glue had fallen on my bare foot. The glue is a super-glue type and will fasten almost anything to anything. So I've discovered yet another way to abuse my body. I'm not a boatbuilder by trade and the work is rough. I'm concerned with being comfortable and not sinking. Prettiness would have taken too much time. The top rail and painted stern seat will be a light blue when I'm done.
I put this here for a chuckle or two but I had one renter who actually did put his window unit in backwards. To be truthful, the reason he did it was maybe a little redneck-ish but for all intents and purposes, it worked. It was winter time and for whatever reason, he didn’t want a space heater so he turned the A/conditioner around, ran the thermocouple to the back, taped over the knobs to keep any water out and allowed the exhaust from the unit to heat up the room.
65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?" God replied: " I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."