I'm unsure if this will be the right place for this... I looked everywhere for a page "What Did You Do Today?" Didnae found one, but as it's in regards to death, here goes... Today, Saturday 10th of February 2024... A reminder that today, seven years ago, I attended a funeral I'd never believed I'd ever would. It was a Friday, warmest 10 February ever, blue skies but I had nothing else but tears in my eyes and pains in my heart... I attended the funeral of my youngest child and only son. He'd just turned 26 years and 5 days later took ill out of the blue. He spent 3 months in hospital, going through four operations, one on the last Christmas day he'd spend on Earth. Dying on the day of his grandfather's birthday. They'd shared the same first name...at 9:15 am (my father had died at 9:15 pm. Reassurance as I'd felt he was with his granddad in the afterlife... Today, 7 years later, just as we past the cemetery, a break of blue and a ray of sunshine through the heavy clouds... Blessed be!
I saw that goodbye video the day after he made it. I followed his channel; he was an animal keeper at a small zoo - mainly reptiles. I was expecting his last video because he shared his diagnosis & struggle from the beginning 9 months ago & I was aware of the survival rate for Pancreatic cancer. If I ever got that sick, I wouldn't fear death; I would welcome it & would probably speed it up.
So many happened in my youth... From the mid-60s to early 70s, there were four funerals in quick succession. It was difficult to be surrounded by so many souls, all overlapping the conversations they wished to convey. As they weren't siblings, I've never received any bereavement counselling. I basically had to sink or swim and the resulting quagmire meant that family and friends dealt with the situations at hand but I was told to stay out of the way, and keep to my room... Apparently, time alone was good and conducive to reflection of what had happened. Well... I wasn't alone. However, with each occurrence, it only proved one thing. I had to deal with my upside down feelings by myself, no one was coming to help. On a second occasion, losing someone who hated me while alive, made things a wee bit easier. I just dismissed the whole thing and there were no haunting spectres... they'd left the area for good. Might sound kind of harsh, but at the end of the day, we've all dealt with loss in our own way. In the end, it's sometimes our only way not to crumble under the heavy and dark depression. I've written it down, the experience of these 4 funerals from my childhood and it healed all the wounds that needed major healing. It isn't up on my blog yet as it's misplaced. I'm assuming that I'll have to go through them USBs sticks
That hits close to home. I lost two friends in high school...both of them close to me and both of them sisters of buddies. One was a suicide and the other died in her sleep from an undiagnosed congenital heart defect. Death makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. They won't acknowledge their own feelings about it, much less have the capacity (or inclination) to help others through it...not that they would have the skills. And like you, I've have several close to me pass, with not a tear shed. I like to think I'm above shedding crocodile tears, but perhaps I'm merely heartless. There are a few others for whom death will be a blessed relief...for me, not for them. I'm beyond thinking that it's "sad." We all have our reasons. There's another thread related to this topic you may find of interest (since we've already trod this path): How Many Funerals Have You Attended So Far? Gotta love the "so far" qualifier
Beyond, with Heather Tesh has many nde survivors giving their experiences. This man has several episodes about his experiences. This one is interesting as it meshes with where I am right now.
When I first glanced, I thought you were referring to NUDE survivors and wondered what the post was about
My first job was at 15 yrs of age. I worked with my dad who owned a wholesale monument business. On Saturdays we would go out in the rural areas and spend the day sandblasting death dates into granite gravestones in various cemeteries. The impressions of death were all around me. The gravestones, the fresh graves awaiting their caskets, the remembrance flowers, the plaques denoting lifetime services by those buried nearby. I thought about death at that early age. It burned a scar into my mind. All the years of my life I have thought about death and dying. I studied Psychology and Philosophy at College and thought about it even more and to a deeper level. I discovered I was seeking some kind of meaning for my own life. I attended Church services, read about the Christian religion, researched other religions, even tried to understand the New Age thinking and the Hindu teachers. I even listened to the famous physicists and mathematicians attempt to explain life and death as if it were an interesting phenomenon that required a scientific explanation. I am here now at 76 yrs of age. I still wonder what an afterlife would be like and if it is to be desired. I still wonder about the fairness of being punished for not having faith and not believing in something which makes little sense to my mind. I fear physical pain and a loss of the ability to function intellectually. I do not fear death. I feel I would welcome death if my purpose as a man has lost it's meaning. I do not fear dying. I have been dying for 76 yrs. I know about dying. Death will be the final insult, the final surprise.. Shall I fear that which I know nothing about? That makes no sense. Will I burn in Hell? For what? For doubting and hesitating to accept that which makes no sense to me? What kind of loving God would serve that kind of sentence on someone He supposedly loves?
With losing family,even though not old, that is hard enough. But the suicide last year and then again Memorial Day week end, really takes a hold of you. My niece is suffering the most. Her mom died when she was 17. He father has Dementia, and now her brother ends his own life. Throw in three kids and a not helpful husband, just helps make everything even more difficult. I spent close to 3 hours texting with her this morning. She can not sleep. I should of died 7 years ago, but did not. I ask myself Why I am being kept ? I fear not being able to give 'last minute' I love you's, or remember to take your meds, or bills are paid up. That is my ? fear . I fear not being able to see and be a part of what happens next in our life- anyone's life. I miss not being able to ask those who left before me -Why? Sometimes, as my heart my flutters - I go Wow is this It? Will I be in the tub ( 2017 CHF in tub- my will to live was so no one would find me naked in the tub. Will I be making breakfast? Will I be out buying grocery and just keel over? Why is this so important to me ? So this is my fear- not of death itself so much, as the untimely and way it will all come about. As I have said before , bring on the pains, I can take pain... but please leave my mind in tact - that is my Fear.
I can relate to what you wrote, @Hedi Mitchell . I have had CHF for a long time now, 2 ablations, then the pacemaker. Then the AV node block, and now I am totally dependent on the pacemaker to keep my heart beating. The pacemaker is probably not going to malfunction (but one never knows), but as I get older, the strain on my heart is making it weaker each year, and I am less able to do things than I could the year before. Bobby put up the swimming pool; but my balance is so bad that i am afraid to even try climbing the pool ladder to get in the pool. If i fall, something IS going to break, and then I will be stuck in a wheelchair all summer. The fitness center closed, which is where I used to swim. So, this year, I have just been trying to get outside each day, water the flowers and garden, and sometimes work at weeding the flower gardens with my gardening chair. It gives me something to do besides just stay inside the house all day. My tumble last week scared me, so I am being pretty careful with the outside gardening, too. I want really bad to go and visit my daughter in the Netherlands, but at the same time; I do not want to go there and die at her place because I know how hard that would be for her to deal with. Better to do that right here at home, if that is going to happen; but one never knows, and I might live another 10 years. It is just something we can’t plan for very well, usually.
If I lived nearby to you, Yvonne, and you, Heidi, I would offer my help. I do like to help out as my abilities allow me to do so. I worked as a homecare personal care aid for a few years, not because I had to, but just to help others and to feel that my time was being spent productively. There is something very special in that feeling one gets when help is offered without the expectation of anything in return from the person helped. The reward of the good feeling is enough of a payment.