I have two very very close relatives who molested and sexually assaulted family members.One has died and never asked for forgiveness. The other is in prison for their crime. This one asked for forgiveness and has been forgiven by only one. However forgiveness does not clear the memory.....forgiving even if not asked for is the only way to continue with life without anger and hatred in your own soul. I choose to forgive especially a repenting soul is truly sorry.
You make an excellent distinction here, @Gloria Mitchell . Some people are not sorry for any wrongs they have done, and would even do the same things again if they had the chance. This is a whole different situation than someone who did hurtful things and then feels awful afterwards and asks for your forgiveness. We had a friend on another forum, and he had some kind of seizures, where he was still awake and would write terrible things on the forum, and never realize that he had written it until afterwards, and someone confronted him about. It, or he read what he wrote. At first, we thought he was just making this up; but then he ended up in the hospital, and the doctors had to really work to get him well enough to come back home again. I think that he could sometimes tell when these blackouts were happening, and then he could get off of the computer so he didn't write bad things anymore. Sometimes different medications can affect ones perception of reality, too; so there can be more than meets the eye that is causing the malfunction. IN a situation such as you describe, where the person is not repentant, and doesn't care about that they hurt someone else; then I think that forgiveness is different. It is more of a letting go inside, and releases the hurt and anger inside yourself, and it is something that we do for our own benefit. It is hard to forgive this kind of a person, and I try to separate the person from what they did, so I can let it go in my own mind.
Sometimes a person never even asks. I admit that was always a leading question I had for the inmates I dealt with in the prisons. Have you asked for forgiveness? I generally got an answer to the effect of, " Yes, me and the prison paster have talked and I did." Then I would ask them if they had asked the one they offended? I'm sure you can guess the answer to that one. You can forgive a person without telling them. If I had to wait for a person to ask for forgiveness, I would be stuck waiting forever. But thankfully, that is not a requirement for forgiveness. I forgive a person so I can move forward. By not doing so, I clutter my mind and heart with wasted "junk", for lack of a better word. By continually hanging on to anger or hate I damage myself. The person who has hurt me most likely doesn't care, or they would come to me and honestly discuss the problem and ask for forgiveness. Many times that does not come about, so it is up to me to just let it go. But that does not mean that I should put myself in a position for the offense to occur again. If I do, then shame on me, I knew better.
Wise words, @Yvonne Smith! I was married for 21years and my ex was addicted to cocaine. I was just 24 at the time and had a baby boy. It was very hard, as my ex spent lots of money every day, and didn't pay for anything else. It was complete chaos, he used to disappear for some days and I could never count on him - ever. I didn't know where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He had a profitable business and simply wasted money on drugs, drinks and parties. Eventually, he went to rehab and overcame that. However, it was kind of late.I was exhausted, sad, upset, and I decided to break up. I was 40 and started a new life. At the beginning we didn't talk, and I was very furious, as I had also to pay many of his debts. A few years ago he remarried and has another son now. One day he went to my office to talk about our son and we were having a nice conversation, remembered our past, our life, and suddenly he started to cry and couldn't control himself. He apologized for everything, said he couldn't change the past and the only possibility now would be making a new life, being a better father and husband. He cried, and cried, and cried. I told him to calm down and felt very surprised, as I had never expected him to do it.OK, those things happened, but they are part of the past, and I had no idea he'd realised that (he was a very immature man). Nowadays we are not friends, and we seldom talk, but I'm not angry at him anymore, especially because we have a child together, and that's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Why ? Have you got to forgive someone to move on ? I had a rotten childhood due to a rotten Mother. I never once brought the subject up with her, always treated her with respect. Then one day in my 40s, I knew I had to walk away and I did. The word 'forgiveness' never entered my head, I just got on with my life, locking away all that hurt me That to me is the best way - turn your back and move forward Forgiving a rapist or murderer would do 'nothing' for me and I care less about the perpetrator Get on and do something to improve the lives of those that deserve it !
Clementine Churchill, the wife of Winston Churchill, wrote in her book that she had an affair. To paraphrase, after Winston found out and the dust had cleared, he forgave her and never brought it up again for the rest of his life. Forgiveness isn't about making allowances for another person's frailties so much as it is about attempting to clear the slate. No one forgets when someone has wronged us but we really can place that wrong in a totally different place so far from us that we only see a very dim view of it compared to the colossal giant it was when it sat on top of us.
That's right distance yourself from the problem causing you grief As for an affair, you have to forgive if you want to continue in the marriage Winston did right never to mention it, it truly was a 'clean slate'
Ya know, I've added something new to my bucket list. I already swam across the Mississippi River when I was much younger. Yeah, those were some really good days when I could so easily just strip down to almost nothing and swim whatever distance through some pretty bad waters. My bucket list? Next time, I'm going to do it with an anvil attached to me. I was told it would be impossible, but, I'm going to do it anyway. Why, you might ask? Well, there are so many people trying to swim in life's waters with all kinds of weights around them it's gotta be fun otherwise why would they be doing it?
Ha ha Bobby...if you do make sure you post it on YouTube! Couldn't resist because I just finished reading a story where someone shot her Bf through a book on YouTube. The stunt didn't work as planned and the boy died. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news...boyfriend-youtube-stunt-gone-wrong/438406001/ I'm done worrying about minor things, life has enough major problems without carrying grudges. In my opinion.
Years ago I was given a book titled 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' when I was going through a very rough season in my life and read it from cover to cover. It really put a lot in perspective too regarding forgiveness. After a time I was able to ask to be forgiven for any hurt that I may have cause and didn't expect a response (which I didn't get either, no matter) and forgave them too but unspoken. That person still continued to belittle me in ways that made me wonder if I would renege on forgiving that person. At that point I turned to the Word of God and prayer.
I think with friendship Von, misunderstandings often occur Talking things through is a must, but some people are stubborn and in those cases friendship would be to hard to maintain @Von Jones
As they say- “He who angers you controls you.” When you step away from the hurt, you step nearer to inner peace.
Is forgiveness something that one can simply decide to do? I think that a decision to do the Christian thing would be the beginning of the road to forgiveness, but forgiveness is something that you have to have in your heart, speaking figuratively. I might tell someone that I forgive them, and I might truly resolve to forgive them, but if they are still unforgiven in my heart, I haven't really forgiven them. Yes, I am well aware that forgiveness is something that non-Christians are capable of too, but I can understand it only in a Christian perspective. In that sense, forgiveness would be an indication of the strength of my relationship with God rather than my relationship with the person to be forgiven.