An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.” Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.” Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!” “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing. “Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” “Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?” “Opened a can of peas instead.”