My dad wasn't all that old when he died, but the point that I want to make about him might apply equally to the elderly. I keep hearing ads for younger people about one program or another intended to help them care for their elderly parents, and many of these ads assume that the decisions made for their parents are entirely up to the adult children. The "A place for mom" ads are what I have in mind, although there are several others. As I said, my dad died before he became elderly because he was burned badly in a fire that destroyed his home. Dad got out of the house safely with his wife and daughters, then went back into the house thinking that my younger brother was in his room upstairs, unaware that he had escaped through a window. Dad was burned over 60% of his body and wasn't expected to live. The burns covered his chest, damaging a lot of the tissue, making it difficult for his heart to beat fully. He was unable to work and was supposed to be severely restricted in his diet and activities. Prior to the fire, he had always been healthy. Of course, we did everything we could to make sure that he took his medications, ate right, and didn't over-exert himself. It seemed that this was going well until someone woke up sometime just after daylight and found dad outside, hoisting a rebuilt engine into his pickup truck, and realized that he had been getting up early in the morning to do all the things that no one would let him do during regular hours. It wasn't that it needed to be done, and that no one would do it for him. He wanted to do it for himself. After a lifetime of working a full-time job at a ship-building company, while simultaneously farming about a hundred acres, logging, shoeing horses, and doing all of his own plumbing, automotive, and electrical work, he didn't want to sit around watching television. We talked about it and decided that it was his life and that he would prefer to live a shorter but less limited life, than a longer one in which he couldn't do any of the things that made him who he was. The end result was a bit of a compromise. Of course, he didn't go back to work full-time, and he quit farming his land, but he plowed a garden and if he wanted to do whatever he thought needed to be done around the house, he wouldn't have to get up a 4:00 in the morning in order to do it. He lived another ten years, raised his children into adulthood, and died earlier than we would have liked, but he lived a full life, dying at his home rather than a nursing home.
This was a story of my father, but I'd like the thread to delve into the larger issues of treating the elderly or the infirm as if they were children, unable to make decisions for themselves. I had an aunt who suffered a stroke when she was in her sixties. Her son, a realtor, was given power of attorney. I'm not clear whether she had signed it over to him or if he had gone through the courts. Anyhow, she recovered from her stroke to find that her home had been sold and much of her money had been spent. Again, I wasn't privy to the details but she went to court and wrested the power of attorney back from her son, and spent many years driving a motor home to stay with relatives in Calfornia, Texas, Florida, and elsewhere. I've told that story before here but, since it fits this topic, I wanted to allude to it in this thread, as well.
Sort of along those lines: My mother had kidney failure in her mid-70's and became quite frail; suffering through dialysis the last 5 years of her life. All her life she was a farm wife, taking great pride in her flowers and vegetable gardens. As her health declined, she'd take a lightweight aluminum folding chair around the yard so she could sit and hoe and pull weeds, wearing her straw hat--happy and content. My older brother would drive over to my parent's house and when he'd see mama outside working as best she could, he'd start nagging her. I finally took him aside one day and told him to leave her alone. He said "she's going to kill herself out there in the heat." I told him she'd rather keel over in the dirt doing what she loved than to sit on the porch while her life ebbed away.
Some of us, and I am one of them, like that we were able to decide where and how we would live when we reached some degree of physical incapacity and handle the arrangements ourself. I did this with the support of my daughter. I will in all probability die where I am presently living since there is no reason to go anywhere else.
In a somewhat opposing view, it seems to me that our children forget that their dad and I are not as young as we used to be. Certainly we are lucky to still be active and have our wits about us, but we're definitely not 25 any longer. Recently my husband traveled up to the Austin area to "help" our son-in-law build a wooden garden shed for their new home. Saying that son-in-law doesn't know the business end of a hammer is putting it mildly... so my 64 year old husband ended up building the shed alone while SIL stood around in the way. My husband has PAD and a stent in one leg, so all the trips up and down the ladder, hoisting roofing and building materials was much more of a challenge than he anticipated. His words to me... "NEVER again." He left them there, holding paint brushes and looking bewildered. I guess they thought he'd paint it, too. Surprise!
What a brave man your Dad was @Ken Anderson . 60 % burns..?...wow!!! @Beth Gallagher , I'm the same age as your o/h and my husband is in his late 50's.. although I have several ailments I've still got more energy than my husband.. and I get frustrated when my daughter won't allow me to do anything for her when we're visiting, citing ''how poorly you are mum''... and will allow hubs to do it instead , and I end up helping him otherwise he'd be there all day.. and then I create a bigger problem for myself, but I've always been the type to not stand by and watch while someone else works. Don't get me wrong, he's perfectly capable of lots of things, he just take s a very long time doing them, and complaining about being exhausted etc! Ken.. we don't have those type of Adverts on TV, or if we do I've never seen them.
Tell him he needs a nice piece of red meat, Holly!! I'm not one to sit around and watch, either. But I'm not as anxious to volunteer to help as I used to be, haha.
I've said this before, there is no reason a family can't have a discussion regarding elderly care, finances, funeral preferences, etc. long BEFORE the issue comes up. Then, no matter how it all goes down, there are plans in place which everyone has agreed on. Write it down and make sure everyone involved has a copy.
I came here from another thread where the tangent to this subject was the elderly shrinking their lives in deference to their heirs...either not spending money doing things they wanted to so as to not deplete the estate, and getting rid of possessions (or not buying new stuff) in order to make things easier on whoever has to clean up the estate. My mother had "enough" money to do pretty much what she wanted, and was very independent until she got dementia. She passed at 82, so I guess she became incapacitated at 78 or so. Not only did we not baby her or try to control her before then, we were telling her that she should go out and spend her money. She was British, and flew back home a few times to see her siblings after she retired at 65. We told her to take the Concord and live it up a little...she could afford it. One of here stated reasons for not doing to was so that her siblings did not know she had "that kind of money." But who knows what really drives behaviour? Overt outside pressures notwithstanding, people may say that they are living a diminished low-key like so as to conserve for others or to not be ostentatious, but that just might be the cover story for their own fears or their own habits. I've been fortunate to retire securely enough, but in part that's because I have always been miserly. I continue to be so not out of need but out of habit/personality...being cheap gives me pleasure. I bought a discounted pak of ground beef the other day that hit its expiry date. I took it home, grilled a bunch of burgers from it and put them in the freezer for future [cheap] meals solely because it was there and it was marked down. I don't have to do that, but there's no reason why I wouldn't. I think if I hit a $300 Million lottery I'd still do those things. It makes me happy. Regarding "downsizing" so as to save others the hassle...I don't have kids but I do worry about the pile of junk that I have. I've thought of streamlining it, but not moved beyond the concept phase. I guess whoever walks into the mess will decide whether to deal with it themselves or just bring in professionals and pay them to do it. My mother was a hoarder and never met a yard sale bargain she could pass up. We got lucky. She lived outside of DC in an old house in a very desirable neighborhood. So her house was a knock-down. The only thing we needed to take away were the items we wanted to keep...the rest went into the landfill. I've yet to walk into an "OMG, what are we gonna do with all of this stuff?" situation. So maybe my empathy is as lacking as my motivation.
Our sons help on things that my wife and I can no longer do, but we are generally left alone unless we invite the families to come for dinner, etc. My wife just had her annual Easter Egg dying party with the grandchildren in Alaska. Even the teenagers still had fun with it. They took the dyes onto the snow and "painted" pictures on the snow with the egg coloring. We will have everyone here for Easter dinner, but there is no work done then. Youngest son is a professional mechanic, so he takes care of any mechanical stuff that involves things I can no longer (or never could) do. The other sons are pretty good at construction, so we have help there as well, unless it is a big job. We hire pros to do big jobs, as I cannot tie the boys up with my projects when they have things of their own to do. Our daughters live in Washington, so they aren't around to help out.
My mother in law had a stroke and spent nine years in assisted living. I altered her home, putting in a powder room downstairs in a one bath home, in case she came home. But she never did so I sold it for hubby. My parents pared down and moved to a condo in Fla so there wasn't much to clean up. I have a lot and am starting to dole my hoard out. Most kids don't want it. So will donate a lot. I find I am getting weaker. Depending on the day, my mean self comes out and I start working out again. The nice weather is helping. I found that I could not climb the tv tower to get on the roof a couple of years ago. That was a big surprise as I have always been pretty strong. I used to load up a duffle bag to carry up with me. I'd best get into exercise every day and not quit cuz I don't feel like it anymore.
We have two things that "baby" us...........Hazel, our iRobot Vaccuum and Mabel, our iRobot Mop. Both do a fabulous job!
A friend has decided to move to Las Vegas to an assisted living for what could be her last couple yrs...BUT she was NOT been scaling down all her STUFF for the years I've been talking about it and as I've been doing. Now she has got a Load to get rid of, sell her house in Palm Desert and her heart issues are getting worse.... So start to get rid of STUFF early on.
That actually was my business for a few years. Estate/antique sales and consignments. But I am not up to doing it now. Can barely move my chair away from the table let alone move a houseful. I loved it at the time but people have moved away from antiques and 'old stuff'. Lots of what used to be valuable collectibles at the thrift shops now. But donation will save her time and give some needy folks some things they need.