Overheard from two ladies chatting at a bus stop in Fresno California: Lady 1: "My son is at an awkward age." Lady 2: " Why did you say that?" Lady 1: " He is too young to spell 'establishment' but too old to defy it!"
The proprietor of the general store at the crossroads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the storekeeper urged. "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey." Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in the air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
A man drives to a gas station and had his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the car?" The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?" "Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
My wife says, "I'm going to the beauty shop." In an attempt to be agreeable, I reply, "Good idea." Who could have known that would go wrong?
Q-Why did the Blind Guy cross the road? A-He was dragged there by his seeing eye chicken. Knock, knock. Who's there? Blind Guy. Blind Guy, who? Blind Guy for me Argentina! Did you hear the one about the Blind Guy who was SO FAT that he leapt into the air and got stuck? Q-How many Blind Guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A-Two, but I don't know how the hell they got in there! Past, present and future confronted a Blind Guy.....It was TENSE. Moldy cheese asked if he could hang out with a Blind Guy. The Blind Guy said "no". "Why not?" replied the cheese. "I'm a fun-gi!" Q-What's the medical term for a blind woman having a blind baby? A-The blind leaking the blind.
Hey all. Going to start this one off with my favorite Sophie Tucker joke (I'm actually here to share the only joke I've ever made up myself, but this one is much better). So, I'll never forget it, you know.... I didn't used to wear no underwear. Drove my boyfriend Ernie mad that I didn't wear no underwear. Well, one day I caught a terrible cold. Ernie says to me "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor." So I says to him, alright, ring him up and make an appointment for me. So, Ernie rings up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me, he tells him this "Doc, Soph's got a terrible cold, but that's not the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. You tell her that the reason she's got this cold is because she don't wear no underwear." "Right-o" says the doctor, so I like a schmuck, toddle on down to the doctor's office. Doctor sits me in a chair and asks me to open my mouth and say Ah!. I open my mouth and say Ah! He jumps back and says to me "Soph! You ai'n't wearing no underwear!" I says "I beg your pardon, doctor?" He says "Soph, you ai'n't wearning no underwear!" So I ask him, "Doctor, you can look down my throat and tell that I ai'n't wearing no underwear?" "That's right" says the doctor. "Well, in that case, why don't you look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight?" peace, revel.
Oh sometimes these might be a bit radical but I found this one to be a really good one. Hope you dont find it offensive . Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House? A: President Bill Clinton's code name was "Mr. Bush."
This humorous article appeared in a Sydney Newspaper. Old Age Deficiency It’s about time the authorities did something about OLDER drivers on our roads For far too long OLDER drivers have caused havoc as they hog the left lane, stick to the speed limits (even the road works limits) .....Remember we drive in the left hand lane AND ..stop at stop signs, causing great inconvenience and preventing others from doing whatever they like. Another major concern is that by avoiding fines and demerit points they are not doing their bit for the revenue of our state and therefore placing a further burden on younger drivers. Until older drivers can prove that they are proficient at weaving in and out of traffic, driving while texting, tailgating or doing burnouts they must be banned from holding a drivers licence
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.” ― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay
A young man was in court for stealing a boombox from an electronics store, but he told the judge that it wasn't his intention to keep the radio." i was just taking it for a joke , to see if he missed it." the teen said. "I really wasn't stealing it." "Since you took it all the way home," said the judge, I'm going to give you 30 days for carrying a joke too far."
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
Three very eminent, but absent minded, professors were sitting at a railway station. They began a conversation re their repective areas of expetise. They got so engrossed that they didn't notice the train arrive, until they heard the message come over the tannoy for people to board. Two of them managed to get onto the train before it departed, leaving the third standing, watching sadly, as it disappeared into the distance.A stranger, watching, felt sorry for the professor and kindly informed him that, at least two had made it and ''there would be another train later'', The professor, shook his head sadly and said '' no, you don't understand, they came to see me off''