In the early 1980s, my Sister revealed to us her hip had reached the point of no return; she was getting an artificial hip joint. She was then in her early 50s. At that point, I was surprised as I had not had any inkling of her having hip problems. Apparently, the family-held tradition of withholding anything and everything significant from family outside the household had rung true. She got the job performed, walked OK afterwards. Then, some time later, in one of his drunken stupor-like rants, her husband grandiosely revealed that he had brought her cigarettes and booze, clandestinely, while she was recuperating in the hospital! My Dad was then already gone. Our Mother, near the end of her life, was chagrined. She had tried vainly, when I was 3 or 4, to get my sister, 12 years older than I, to stop smoking. No go. I perceived throughout my lifetime, how seriously my Mother's failure to convince her daughter to stop, had affected her (my Mother). She mentioned it often. My Mother died in January, 1986, two weeks before the Shuttle Disaster. (How glad I was she never knew...). My sister succumbed to smoking-induced heart failure 9 years later, at 65. My Mother had been just shy of her 80th. birthday. She never smoked....... Frank
I came from a very open family, so discussed everything pertaining to health. My husband's family never discuss anything. Why do we do it. Is it to protect our families, embarrassment. You made a great comment Frank when you said I am glad my mother never knew. Have you ever thought, maybe your mother would have liked to have known. After all it was your decision to withhold information. Not said as a criticism Frank x
I don't understand. Your sister smoked and drank and your mother didn't know? Or her husband enabled her? Nobody can blame someone else for their problems...your sister didn't have to smoke or drink, maybe her husband was afraid not to bring the stuff to the hospital or he knew she wanted it ....without more info I have no idea who is to blame but usually the blame is on the person doing it. I smoked but never blamed anybody else but my own stupidity. My husband begged me to stop and he didn't live to see the day I did. I'm not going to dwell on that fact, just that I'm happy I finally quit. In fact my whole family..all non smokers begged me to quit. I quit when I was ready and thats the way most people are. Also if your mom was around your sister I'm sure she knew because no matter how hard you try to mask the smell, a non smoker will smell it. I realized that when I quit...I never noticed people smelled like cigarettes when I smoked but when I quit it would hit me when a smoker was near. You have to use your best judgement when telling someone something....not everyone can take bad news. My mom was hospitalized for 6 months before she died and during that time her older brother died and we felt she was not strong enough to handle that news...she died not knowing her brother preceded her in death. She was anxious enough having a tracheotomy and being on a ventilator...no need to add more anxiety.
Unfortunately, not all families talk to each other, but then again, sometimes, depending on what the "talking" is about, that's not a bad thing. When we have to spend money on repairing something, especially our boat, we try to keep how much it costs to ourselves. Due to finances, some of it boat repairs, we haven't had the money to visit family in So California. Nobody in the family has a boat, so they don't know how much it costs for repairs/maintaining one. When we bought my expensive Darth Vader costume, wife and I had to stop each other from telling her sister how much it costs us. All we told her is that we bought a new one and she wouldn't give a thought about looking it up online to see how much it costs. My step-parents didn't talk to me much about anything, but then again, they had never had any experience raising a child, let alone a teen.
@Honey Gee @Chrissy Cross Perhaps I intersperse information wihin the sentence which misleads; I apologize for that. I withheld nothing. My Mother fervently followed NASA's efforts, and thus would have been extremely upset over the Shuttle Disaster, which she never knew about, because she had died two weeks before that event occurred. Thus, I was happy she never knew. Frank
@Cody Fousnaugh I, too, was a step-parent, "inheriting" two teens having no other family or recourse when their folks died. Thus, the task of implementing "parenting" over an 11 year old girl, and her 16 year kld brother, triedmy ability to "spread" discipline as well as reward as judiciously as I could see fit to do. A unique situation, when the girl fell for a young Viet Nam Vet, who had become more or less a street urchin, when she was 16. Truly weird twist, perhaps it might make interesting, or comical, reading. We left the Chicago area in 1972, my wife's sister, Diane, 16, accompanying us, also her brother, Rick, then 21, who was on his own. 5 years earlier, Diane's parents, who both worked at our local hospital, died, each leaving a Compny-provided life insurance benefit. Her Mother had listed her husband, Diane's father, as beneficiary to her death benefit, of $2000. The father, a Maintenance worker, had a larger benefit, $4000; he had listed his daughter, Diane, as beneficiary. Our Alderman, a family friend and also Lawyer, secured Court permission for us to "draw" funds from the $2000 to provide for the minor children, as needed. But, the $4000 was untouchable, as Diane was not yet "of age", still a minor, for two more years. Living with us in Las Vegas, from 1972 on, Diane turned 18 in 1974, finished high school there, received her dad's death benefit of $4000, and promptly left for Chicago to be with her Viet Nam Vet. Within a few months, she returned, broke. The bastard had absconded with her "booty", and left her hanging. Real rough lesson to learn. My wife and I both warned her to use caution, as we had both met, talked to, and evaluated her "Danny" while still living in Chicago. She was 18, of age, and what else could we do but hope? So, yet another huge setback fell on my young wife's shoulders. She was then 27, going on 50, as far as mental anguish was concerned. Frank
Well the only honest reply I can make to this post is: "If my husband was on his death bed" whether that was in the hospital or at home....and his last request to me was to bring him a cigarette and a beer....I would do it." But while he is still alive I will not help him get on that death bed!
Only on their death bed would I tolerate an alcoholic or druggie. If they can't bother trying to quit, they're gone. I would make every effort to help them but if they don't want to quit...I can't live like that no matter how much I loved them. Life is too short to live your final years with someone crazy drunk and you're worried he'll burn the house down while youre sleeping.