Forgiveness and Restoration Q My question is about forgiveness. What does it really mean to forgive someone? I think there are two parts to it: refusing to seek revenge for the sin committed against you, and restoring the offender to the relationship that he/she previously had with you. It is the second part that I am having a problem with. I have no problem “forgiving”, by walking away and refusing to seek revenge, but do I have to restore people (who through their hurtful actions have proven to be disloyal and untrustworthy) to previous positions of trust? A It’s been said that if you continue to think about how someone has hurt you, then you haven’t really forgiven them. Psychologists claim that when we re-live an event in our minds, we experience the original feelings associated with the event as well. One of God’s most amazing attributes is that He’s able to forget as well as forgive, and upon confession will immediately restore us, no matter how often it happens. I don’t think very many humans can do that in the presence of an ongoing reminder of the past, such as the other person’s continued proximity. And I don’t read anything in the Bible requiring that of us. Forgiveness, after all, is primarily for the purpose of healing the one who’s been hurt and to cleanse him or her of the sin of anger, which the Lord equates with murder. Where restoration is concerned, I’ve seen some cases, primarily in marriage, where the aggrieved party has eventually developed the ability to act as if no offense had been committed. It’s usually taken a fair amount of time and a lot of effort on both parts to pull that off, the one choosing not to remember and the other working to regain the trust that was violated. When it works it’s a strong testimony to the Lord’s supernatural ability to heal us. Some are called by the Lord to express His love for a person who has wronged them. When that happens He gives them an extra measure of grace to obey. Absent such a calling and without a strong commitment from both parties to work toward restoration I don’t think there’s much chance of success. The admonition to turn the other cheek, or give more than is demanded, was not offered in the context of restoration, but of diffusing anger and resentment. When you voluntarily choose to do more than is required, you’re acting out of volition instead of oppression. What do you think about this? Can you forgive and trust someone again who has hurt you deeply? I'm struggling with this right now. It isn't hard for me to forgive someone who has hurt me...although sometimes it isn't something that happens instantly. I often make the choice to forgive long before the hurt goes away. Trusting that person not to hurt me again, etc. is a totally different story though. Someone who has hurt me deeply in the past wants me to basically go into the same scenario where they hurt me the first time and trust them not to do the same thing all over again. But I just don't think I can go there again...even if there is a chance they would not hurt me this time. I have chosen to forgive but I find I just don't want to set myself up for this to happen again...even if it won't. Have you ever felt this way? [/URL]
I honestly don't think about 'forgiveness' Hurt, is extremely painful and the feeling can last for many years. The only way (for me) to move on from it is to leave it in the past, close the door on it and focus on better influences Best not to feed that pain
I don't know about forgiveness - I just don't see the point of it. If I'm wronged, I just move on and cut that person out of my life completely. I've found this a good yardstick to go by. "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
I don't think we can go through this life without getting hurt sometimes. Often the ones who hurt us, intentionally or not, are the ones we care about the most...and who care about us too. I have hurt my loved ones at times just as they have hurt me...and saying we are sorry for hurting each other and forgiving each other helps keep our relationships growing instead of killing it. I don't want to walk away from my family just because we hurt each other sometimes. I'm learning though that just because we choose to forgive someone, does not mean we should put ourselves in a situation where they hurt us before...and may hurt us again. It's kind of like once I know that a hot stove can burn me I will be more cautious when that stove is on...but I won't stop cooking on that stove, etc. just because it burned me when I wasn't as cautious. Neither will I give up those I love just because I got "burned" by some of them too, especially when they have apologized and asked for forgiveness. That's where trust, or caution comes in for me...I do forgive them, but since they "burned" me I'm alot more cautious around them than before I got burned. So I've got to make a decision whether or not to join some loved ones in the same kind of situation where I got burned before...and just thinking about going there again brings me stress and anxiety. Evidently that hurt has not had enough time to heal all the way...or I wouldn't think twice about going. This tells me something important, I love and forgive my loved one...but I'm still hurting from what happened and I'm not ready to go "back there" again and revisit a scenerio that caused me great pain. Loving and forgiving is something I do not just as a Christian, but because I value the relationships I have with those I care about and want to see them continue to grow. Healing and trusting again comes in there own timing and to me takes more than just making a choice to forgive and continue loving.
Depends what the situation is Babs - if its torturous and ongoing then you have to say, enough is enough If you have a bond, that's different, you can overcome problems that arise and talk it through
Right now Patsy because I don't feel I am healed all the way from the hurt...bond or not....I just can't go there again at this time...and I'm not going to. It's freeing to know that I don't have to go there until and if I am ready to go there again.