I walked in Barnes & Noble and asked the lady at the counter if they had Trump’s new book on deporting illegal aliens. She looked at me and said, “Get out and don’t come back!” “That’s the one, do you have it in hardcover?” I replied.
A guy bought a world map & hung it on the wall. He handed his wife a dart & said, "Throw it. Wherever it lands, that's where I'll take you on our vacation." They spent the next week behind the refrigerator.
A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though -----‐‐-------‐------------------------------------------------------ I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied: "No." She responded: "How about now?"
I always wondered why they call those Conservation Hearts. Can't I even have a piece of candy without being preached at?