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Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Craig Wilson, Jan 31, 2020.
And dat's the truf!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Heard this one a long time ago…
“One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misinterpreted the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"”
Three rough-looking bikers walk into a diner where an old man is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second biker spits into his coffee.
The third biker dumps his whole plate on the floor.
Without saying a word, the old guy pays his bill & leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” says one biker to the waitress.
“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
It's a crowded bus stop & a gorgeous young woman was waiting for a bus. She's wearing a tight mini skirt. The bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, but her skirt was so tight, she couldn't lift her leg up to the step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed, she reached back to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step, but she still couldn't.
Again, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, & again, was unable to make the step.
A man behind her picked her up by her waist & gently placed her on the bus step.
She turned around & yelled at him: "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The man smiled & said, "Well, ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly twice, I kinda figured we was friends."
An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker dude steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure."
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
l found my wife in bed with another man.....and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, hell, enough about me.....how are you feeling?"
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics for aging Baby Boomers.
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Leave Your Liver.
The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom.
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair.
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba - Denture Queen.
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To.
Willie Nelson - On The Commode Again.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........I just lost it."
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
pleased to see my old thread has been revived by @Tony Nathanson .
A salesman knocks on little Benny’s front door and the conversation goes:
Salesman: Can I see your dad?
Benny: No, he’s in the shower.
Salesman: What about your mum?
Benny: She’s in the shower too.
Salesman: Do you think they’ll be coming out soon?
Benny: No. My dad asked me for vaseline but instead, I gave him super glue.