Today, I got a shock! But first, look at my beautiful first wife, busy in our kitchen, about 1966, the kitchen I had inhabited for 24 years already, by then, in which my Mother tanned my ass, my Dad came home from work hungry to eat in, and Sue & I had bought the old bungalow when my folks retired. She really wanted that double-oven stove, cooking being one of her better abilities. Look at her waist: it was 21 inches! She was statuesque! I thought I had achieved heaven on earth. Her folks died the following year, Oct. 22, 1967. We adopted her brother and sister, Rick & Diane, then 11 and 16. Rick died on his birthday, Nov. 28, 1975. Diane went her own way, and I have not seen her, nor heard anything about her since 1985. Today, shocking it was, I entered, on a lark, Diane's name on one of the people search things constantly appearing on Yahoo. Sue, Diane and her son Danny, lived in Vegas, the last I knew. The search showed Diane lives in Laughlin, across the river from us! Now, the painful quandary: should I attempt to locate and see her? Years back, she greatly disliked me. Story for another time, but I always cared for her, loved her, she was, after all, my unfortunate wife's kid sister, orphaned at 11. I cannot discuss this with my wife. I am fraught with unknowing uncertainty, this being the most imponderable circumstance in a long time! Frank
@Frank Sanoica, as Diane was your adopted child, and you loved her as such, I see no reason why you shouldn't try to reach out to her. Now if it involved your ex-wife, that would be a whole different story. But if your present wife understands that you would just like to how "your daughter",Diane is doing now, she would be more inclined to except it. Plus you are a grandfather to Danny. But, doing it on the sly would only hurt your present relationship. Good luck which ever way you proceed.
My thoughts @Frank Sanoica are that you share what you have found with your wife before you do anything else, find out her thoughts on you contacting Diane and whether she would mind or not. I agree with Ina that it isn't good to go behind your wife's back on this. Other than that I hope you will be able to renew your relationship with Diane and her family. Good luck Frank.
This is something that I have been giving thought to before writing any kind of an answer. My first thought was just about the same thing as both Ina and Babs have suggested, that it would be great to have contact with your adopted daughter again, as well as your grandson/nephew Danny. Going behind your wife's back to do this does not seem like a good idea to me either, and it should be something that she supports you in doing, since it is the step-daughter that you helped raise, that you want to contact. However, I think that you are the one who knows best whether you can talk with your wife about this or not, and how well she handles you having other family relationships. The thing that came to my mind was how my ex-husband was about this. He totally wanted to separate me from my family, and especially from my daughter (Robin) because of his jealousy. He would expect me to make the 2 hour drive each week to pick up his girls to come and spend the weekend; but he was totally irate if I stopped to see my own daughter when on this trip. He was suspicious of everything I did, and my visiting , or even talking with my children was one of the things that upset him the most. Although it was not how I liked to do things, I ended up meeting Robin elsewhere and not telling my ex about it, because of the anger and verbal abuse I would have to deal with when he found out. It was a crazy way to have to live, and one of the things that I am so thankful about now in my relationship with Bobby. We can discuss anything, and we do always share our thoughts with each other.
Frank, I wholeheartedly agree that it is wrong to keep this from your wife. Sometimes people just don't want to be found, you have to keep this in mind and they will resent the intrusion so be prepared for that. It's a real kick in the teeth if that happens. It's not always a glorious reunion....been there myself. I speak from experience. Diane may resent your second wife, could view her as her sister's replacement and you mentioned that Diane never cared for you before. I am not trying to throw cold water on this....I know how excited you feel that you may have found a connection and if you don't follow through you will always wonder and always regret but just keep grounded and expectations low. And then if it works out then I think everyone here will be happy for you. The best of luck to you Frank.
All of you are correct, of course, regarding the "right" thing to do. And I of course appreciate the interest expressed. I remain in a quandary, though. Early-on, my wife of today met my first wife during one of our trips to Vegas from Indiana. In them days, there was little animosity shown, as we had agreed up-front to be forthright with each other, regarding our pasts. She revealed several things which still linger deep within, while I told of some things silly, as well as a murder-suicide. 38 years this May; it's been "20 miles of bad road". Frank
The problem with asking for advice and getting it is that the one who gives the advice rarely has to suffer the consequences if it turns out badly. On a personal note, unless someone asks me to keep things on a confidential level, secrets are something I avoid like a heart attack. They clutter up mental closets and as you well know by now, they can cause a lot of anxiety. When I have great things in question, I do like the book of James (1:5) where we are told that if we lack wisdom, all we need is ask. It works for me but ultimately this time the decision is yours to make as to what you will do @Frank Sanoica. God Bless.....................
@Bobby Cole that's some real wisdom you shared with @Frank Sanoica I might also add @Frank Sanoica that if you did go behind your wife's back and contact Diane and Diane does want to have a relationship with you again then that will just be another problem you will have if you are not up front with your wife about wanting to contact Diane. You of course know your wife better than anyone but to me it's never a good idea to "keep" important things from your spouse. Nor will it be easy to "untangle" the the web of deceit when one lie ends up leading to another... Honesty is always the best policy in my book.
@Babs Hunt " Honesty is always the best policy in my book " I have always been an "honest" man. But defining that adjective involves something akin to "higher math". For example, if one drives over the speed limit, is one being dishonest? If I simply let this matter drop, though that would never resolve the life-long questions about Diane, would I be dishonest by not mentioning any of this to my wife at all? "I am only recently become a dishonest man". Frank
I believe you @Frank Sanoica and I think if contacting Diane is that important to you so you can get answers to those questions then I think your wife will understand if you explain the importance of this to you. We don't always understand why something is that important to someone, but if we love them, out of that love we can put our feelings aside and let the one we love do what they feel they need to do. I don't think it's possible to be honest all the time...but to be intentionally dishonest when you don't have to be...will only end up back firing on a person in the end.
A man recently told me that his x-wife was in hospital and in a serious condition. His present wife doesn't like the x and would resent any communication between the two divorcees. He asked me what to do which involved visiting his x in secret. I didn't give any advice as to what HE should do but merely told him that given the same circumstances, whatever *I* thought was right would be how I would approach the problem no matter how anyone else felt about it. When I am confronted with being too honest my psychological fallback is that Generally speaking, feelings have a way of resolving themselves. A small person will think small, a broader and smarter thinking person is very hard to offend. But, all that said, to paraphrase an axiom, above all else to thine own self be true. It seems that when that is accomplished, everything else falls into place.