(I didn't want to veer Cody's topic off in a different direction, so am starting new thread wondering what you think about this): There was a forum I visited regularly a couple of years ago, had a wide variety of topics and members of all ages. One topic was addressed to married women, asking if they had jobs outside the home and if so, why. The replies kinda stunned me: all the women who replied said they weren't particularly attached to their jobs, and their families did not need the extra income- the reason they felt it necessary to hold outside jobs was having their own income was like a safety-net if they needed to escape abuse. Domestic violence has been around forever, and women in the past often had no options. But even though there's no-fault divorce, resources, etc., these days, the viewpoint they expressed seems odd- it's like they believe domestic violence is inevitable, and that they need to take steps in advance to protect themselves. I can understand if an individual had a bad experience in the past, or had a close relative or friend who did, but I don't think it could describe everybody. Is domestic violence so common these days that so many women assume it will happen to them?
I don't know anyone that's been in an abusive relationship. My daughter works because she went to college for 8 years and had a student loan of $120,000 to repay. We paid for her first four years. She only works 3 days a week now but she doesn't want to lose her skills or license by quitting. They can live without her income but it's a bonus. She never worked because she needed a safety net, she worked because she had/has a career. Same with my DIL. I didn't work at all during my marriage, I was a stay at home mom but if my husband ever hit me I would take my kids and leave, there is no way I would stay in an abusive marriage...
@Janice Martin So, working part-time, (probably) as a diversion, maybe online, subverts a person's preoccupation with the lingering pain of having been/currently being, abused? Am I understanding it right? It makes sense. Anything in one's daily existence which dilutes pain, regardlessof the type, real pain or mental pain, is likely to pose as appealingly prospective. What a downer, though, upon realizing the old drudgery has not gone away, and nothing's changed. Now, what if abuse within a marriage originated from without? How might one deal with the prospect of abuse by relatives, friends, neighbors? Tough problem, especially if abuse originated with in-laws, rather than family. Seen it, had it, despised it. None of those three made it go away. Frank
Interesting responses @Janice Martin. Maybe those women experienced an encounter themselves or they know someone who is in an abusive marriage and that initiated them to prepare or plan in case things became worst. Witnessing a situation of abuse whether verbal or physical no doubt can get one to start thinking "What if that happens to me?"
I can actually totally relate to women doing this when they are living in a relationship that is already borderline abusive, and they want to be able to escape with the children before it gets too bad. My first husband grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father, and he became an abusive husband to me. Even though I was afraid for myself, and my young son (who was only a baby when the abuse started), I had no job skills, and he told me that his mother would testify in court that I was a bad mother, and they would take away my son, and I would never see him again, ever. He said there was no way that I could ever get a job and support myself , let alone raise a child. I believed him, and was afraid to leave. As years progressed, I did find small part-time jobs, and gained some working skills. When he was gone on drinking or drugging binges, and there was no money for rent or groceries, I at least earned enough money with my little job to buy groceries for the kids and I . Nowadays, I think that it is probably much easier for a woman to escape from an abusive relationship, and help for her when she does do that. More women have jobs that they can live on and support themselves, and if they do not have job skills, there is welfare to help them. Even when the marriage is not abusive, people separate much easier than back in "the old days", so it is good for a woman to have job skills, and preferably a job, just in case the husband simply finds someone else and walks out on her.
My own life experience has me totally supporting everything you say Yvonne.. I've been there worn the T-shirt and starred in that film etc.. and I'm sorry you had to suffer that trauma too. It's true that welfare is available for people now , where it wasn't for my mother in the 60's who could go nowhere with 4 children and escape an abusive marriage and no money of her own to rent privately...not that there was much opportunity in those days for private rentals even if she could have afforded it.. Even though she worked part-time throughout a lot of her marriage it was impossible for her to have squirrelled money away because my father insisted she hand over her pay packet unopened as he did with all of us kids when we left school and got jobs.. However...on the subject of welfare, and abusive or dead relationships etc...the people I feel the most for are those without children..either childless or grown up..because they are usually the most often stuck without enough money of their own to leave, and welfare payments are absolutely minimal for them and rarely enough for them to afford a rental property...and that's not just women, it includes men too... , so ultimately they remain living in situations which are intolerable just for the sake of a roof over their heads I am absolutely 100% for anyone particularly the person in the relationship who is not the main breadwinner to try and save a 'cushion' of money if at all possible in the interest of their own security..
It seems, sometimes, that alcohol and abuse go together. Domestic Violence calls can be the worse kind of calls a law enforcement officer can handle. There has never been any kind of abuse in our marriage, because we just aren't that way. When either of us, or both of us, get upset with each other, our voice octave level can go, not hands and we don't call each other names. Like some couples, we don't have separate banking accts. or anything like that. My wife loves to work, not just for the money, but because it keeps her mind occupied. She has always made a much better salary than me, but had the ambition and education to do that. However, due to possible heath issues someday, those working days will come to an end. When that happens, we will deal with it, just like anything else that happens in our marriage.
Sounds as if you, @Cody Fousnaugh, and your wife have a good working relationship. And you must also have a good grasp on your own self-esteem. My Michael was like that. He spent 20 years working for the city of Houston, and then another 15 working for my company. He used to brag that he really enjoyed being one of the few older men being kept but a younger woman. But, I did grow up with abusive parents and an abusive half-brother. By the time I was 11, I had spent almost three years in one hospial or another. After that, as far as my brother was concerned, I told him, and then demonstrated that everyone has to turn around eventually. After enduring an abusive arranged marriage as a very young girl of 13, I understood that only I could secure my own safety. So by the age of 15 I developed a strong need to be independent, and started working and learning whatever I needed to be self-sustaining. I have seen men go through abusive situations as well. I've seen women that were with good men, and they would use the children as ammunition. So the more public attention this issue gets the better for all.
Well, if either of us gets some low self-esteem, the other one is right there lift the other one up. But, basically, self-esteem isn't a problem at all in our marriage. As far as a "good working relationship", definitely, but there are those time we do disagree, but work that out as well.
I know from seeing things as a child that I never should have that relatives and society have (had) ways of covering up and making excuses for abusers. To be trapped, afraid, and broke is horrible. I've never been in such a relationship, but I understand saving/hiding a "stash". However, I also understand this:
I understand it but I don't condone it...sometimes the abuser leaves the kids alone and if my husband abused me, I couldn't kill the father to my children.
Also .....there are various forms of abuse in addition to physical, and yes, sometimes men are victims but usually women because men have historically had the power of earning the (larger) paycheck ..........especially in the 1950s/60s. But a friend (passed away) used to be volunteer at a battered women's shelter on the west coast in the 70s/80s. She told me many of the victims were upper middle class women married to doctors, lawyers, CEOs, etc.
Abuse sadly is not always physical is emotional as well .and having suffered both they are both unacceptable Domestic violence is on the increase in Australia with at least one woman killed by her partner or ex weekly . I'm sure drugs are playing a large part in some killings ,from newspaper/ TV reports ( in news brakes I see while watching another program ) Its reported way to often that knifes or machetes were used as weapons I call the news on TV the gloom and doom show ,it full of crime/ violence of one sort or another ..and I rarely watch it now days
@Kate Ellery , I too have to back away from so much of the in your face news. I limit myself to the 10:00 news just before I try to talk myself into puting down whatever I'm reading. Sometimes I wish they would show the weather first, but of course that is just wishful thinking. There is never a night that I don't hear about the death of 1 to 5 or even more deaths, many from domestic abuse.
Thank goodness for the mute button @Ina I. Wonder when the gloom and doom news breaks come on when I watching something interesting ...This mornings gloom and doom was a woman drowned her two children 5 and 9 by throwing them in a river It's only midday here on s Saturday