As much as I hate that kind of vocabulary, I picked the expression up from an individual in the distant past and it does seem to be relevant to this particular situation. Hopefully you guys/ladies can understand and forgive if I'm not 100% coherent, as it's been quite a while since I've had sleep. As a cult survivor (from the distant past), rarely but sometimes "remnants" resurface. Hopefully there aren't any members that'll be "triggered" by this, but two of the most destructive "features" include a) breaking you down, breaking you, and keeping you down by frequent "coaching" that nothing you think, feel, believe, remember, know, experience, etc. is "real" or "true" unless 'someone else' says it is real or true; and b) you are not permitted to object to anything- whether it's a preference, someone's behavior, or anything else- or the result is attacks on your mind that you are 'stupid,' or 'crazy,' or 'something very wrong with you.' So with those "features," I decided to come here (forum) to ask what you think: 1. I don't really see people online as much different from in-person people. One example in both cases is I've always shown integrity in dealing with people, which in part includes respecting individuals' privacy. I've always been that way. Unless someone expresses something that is way out of line- harm to someone, criminal activity, etc.- what is said to me stays with me. While I don't expect other people to do things "my way," I do believe the feature called Private Messages is called that for a reason- it's reasonable to expect a message you send to someone to only be read by that person unless they tell you otherwise in advance, and preferably even ask if it's ok. Note I don't mean anything ultra-personal or inappropriate. Do you agree with my viewpoint- or not? 2. I've heard forums referred to as online Communities- and I believe that's the way they should be. I mean everyone should feel welcome, but even more important everybody should feel Included. On forums individuals sometimes become on friendly terms with other members, which of course is ok, but I don't believe forums should be used like teenybopper "cliques" to show some members are "in" while others are left out. One example is using other members' real names in threads when the others did not choose to do this themselves. It's confusing, and it shows members who have this "inside information" are presenting "some of us are Friends- but the rest of you people aren't," and it can even put individuals at risk of criminal activity which was one of the first things I was warned about when I first joined a forum more than 20 years ago. That's the reason for screen names- and if one person wants to give their real information to another member, it shouldn't be posted on a forum. As for leaving some out, though, I think the same can be said about various aspects of members' personal lives, photos, etc.- if you want to share whatever with specific people, fine, but don't figuratively slam the door in everyone else's face by saying so on a forum. It's another "feature" that to me is the same whether it's in-person or online- my approach is that if people want to tell me things about themselves, they will, and if they don't then it's none of my business. I don't ask anyone nosy, personal questions. And if people don't want to talk to me- whether it's on forums or in person- I don't get pushy about it. I really hope it isn't out of line to 'talk' about this on SoC, especially since I've never seen/experienced either of these issues here. I guess the best way to explain it is stepping away from these distressful situations and requesting input from reasonable, rational people. I'm generally reasonable and rational too, but as a cult survivor I'd have difficulty coping with verbal attacks that could occur from my objecting to these behaviors which in one instance I'd describe as violating my privacy and my trust, and in the other instance turning a "community" into "in groups" and "outsiders."
i mostly just pop in and out ..see how everyone is...i have enjoyed reading your posts...but never knew that you'd suffered in this way...a cult... i hope you all the joy as your name is ...as you are free from that...hugs
Joanna if you find a forum without cliques, let me know where it is. All I've been to in my years online have them, its just human nature. I've never been a part of one and don't do private messaging to chat to 'anyone'. I was inviting to join in on the forum before here and said no thanks and the clique came at me with all barrel's. Some don't go along to get along and keep their own opinions. I know that can be hard especially for the old and young more so than others.
Joanna--I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past. As far as forums or other social media, you are right to distance yourself from anything that causes you distress. I enjoy interacting on forums because it can be as much or as little as I want. I agree that PMs should be private, otherwise there'd be no point since they might as well be posted on the open forum for all to see. One reason I enjoy SoC is that it is a relatively small forum and we all get to know each other, at least a little bit. I don't enjoy a "clique-ish" environment but sometimes people who have posted together for a long time are simply familiar and comfortable, and perhaps there are inside jokes or comaradarie that stems from that.
Group dynamics are in interesting thing. I grew up in a "family" that practiced the same "break you down to stop you from escaping" cult tactics and that was harder in some ways to escape as any other cult, since you shall always be legally related. The basis seems to be "If you have no self, you can not leave me." I imagine you seen/experienced the low-level rage that accompanies forced compliance. It's interesting how we're all different...4 siblings became adults with no concept of boundaries (the very thought of boundaries is paradoxically felt as a betrayal that infuriates them)...they are very unsettled with themselves. One brother and I are as you are...we respect ourselves and others, so what is said to us stays with us. Betraying a confidence is just another way of using people...it uses the person whose business it is and it uses those we are trying to puff ourselves up in front of via our "Look what I know!" stance. Being that way destroys intimacy. If someone is blowing smoke at me in my "real" life (not the virtual one), I generally call it out. I was not always that way, but I reached a point where I got tired of leaving an encounter carrying negative feelings about what just happened while the perpetrator departed in a happy mood. Besides, anyone worth having a relationship with will appreciate keeping it clean. Regarding SOC: I agree that there are no overt "tribes" here. I think the edge is taken off of the anonymity that the web provides by virtue of our relatively small size, and most of us are adult enough to not imply negative tonal inflections (generally.) It's impossible to not form opinions of others, but there is an air of tolerance here. Regarding PMs...well, the "P" stands for Private. Sometimes you gotta blow off a little steam with those you trust...or so I've heard.
Would that be commonly known as "gaslighting"? Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.
Beth this PM was about another person they didn't like, so I looked and sa the subject and told them I'd see em in the open. I do try not to get involved in members arguments. I don't repeat or join in.
I don't do much PMing, Marie. It makes sense to ignore messages from someone wanting to stir things up.
I am not aware of any cliques on this forum now. I had reason to suspect there was shortly after I joined, but those soon fell apart and migrated elsewhere. I think we have mostly free independent thinkers here for the most part. I think the PM is a great feature for discussing personal things that one doesn't want out in the public eye. I wouldn't share anything private on PM until I knew someone for a while and trusted they would keep it private. We have to remember that we are all seniors and our patience is failing just like the rest of us. We come from a generation that existed before every word out of our mouths was scrutinized for any indication of malfeasance and way before words were hijacked and meanings were changed. Just because we are all over 50 and some into their 90s, doesn't mean we are all in a club that lives by the same principles, beliefs, and guidelines. I am glad that SOC allows us a lot of freedoms that other forums silence.
I don't get the feeling that there is, but maybe I wouldn't. I don't know what people are saying in private conversations. There are, of course, members who often agree with one another, but I don't get the feeling that this is cliquish behavior any more than you might say that two people voting for the same candidate are in a clique. For my part, people who have gotten angry with me and quit have included people I generally agree with on issues and have included one person who I was about to ask to be a Greeter. I didn't even know she was mad at me until she quit, and hasn't been back. Maybe I'm just clueless about some things. Anyhow, I haven't noticed anything that would indicate a clique, other than that people are likely to like some people better than others.
Absolutely perfect ,,@Faye Fox ! I believe that you have encompassed just about everything that is right and true about SOC with this post.
Hah! Yes, this has happened to me on other forums, for sure. Anything I have to say is for the whole forum.