A long time ago, I moved to a different part of the country where the lifestyles are different. What I was familiar with before: when someone does something to help somebody, the other person repays, replaces, or reciprocates. Individuals here do none of those things. What it's come to: I'm tired of being taken advantage of, but not sure what to do that won't make matters worse. This includes longtime neighbors and newer people too. I don't know whether the former tells the latter 'whenever you need anything, knock on HER door,' or if they somehow size me up at first sight and figure I'm a sucker. All these years, I've assisted with cigarettes, food, household items, small amounts of money, run errands, lent computer and phone, etc. When I need assistance, it's a different story- plus they don't bother with me except when they want something. One recent example: when I injured my ribs last month, it seemed reasonable to me to think individuals I've consistently helped over the years should be willing to pick up a carton of milk for me when they went to the store. Not only was I turned down, I was verbally blasted for even asking. A second example: I occasionally receive texts like 'I'm going to the grocery store, if you want a ride come on outside.' However, upon arriving at the store I'm told I'm expected to buy them a bunch of stuff- even when they say they have their own money. And a really hairy incident from awhile back: a neighbor nagged me into giving them kitty litter, and when I was refused a ride to the store when they were going, I had to walk nearly a mile in what the weather people called 'dangerous wind chills' to get bus fare so I could get to a store to replace it. As I couldn't carry a 10-lb. bag of kitty litter and a gallon of milk at the same time, I had two make two trips. The weather conditions were so bad that I ended up sick as a dog for weeks. I don't believe in imposing on people, but considering how much I've done for them they should be willing to reciprocate. When I confronted one of them (politely) a couple of times, the individual was verbally abusive. I've also seen the extremes some go to when they decide they dislike someone, even without a reason- including trying to get people evicted, etc. Any advice?
@Janice Martin "Any advice?" Yes. But I'm not here to give advice, nor do I usually condone giving it. However, your case provides the exception. Knowing not anything at all about your geographical position or local population, makes difficult the assessment. First, given today's societal propensity for non-commitallness, and non-involvement in others' affairs, you must decide whether acceptance of the status quo is the better virtue over pursuing vindictive retaliation. Second, since the people you have helped are not reciprocating in any acceptable way, you must ask yourself several very basic questions, a few of which reflect (sadly), upon your own demeanor. Was your choice of those you helped misguided, that is, were they obviously recalcitrant bums, or rather everyday folks seeming to need temporary aid. Please be aware that many folks appear to be benevolent, to acquire beneficial consideration, while their basic intent is one of acquisition. IOW, did you know anything about their purposefulness before you provided aid? People can be false, up front appearing helpful, while at the same time working under the guise of helping themselves. After all this balderdash, now, was it advice? No, 'cause I am in no position to dole out advice. My purpose is to assess and evaluate. Your personal position regarding these folks is, IMO, shaky, at best. Hopefully, few are close friends. Frank
I know the feeling well Janice You know 'now' who are true and worthwhile friends and neighbors They may not be many - but hold onto them and let the others go Wish you well and hope you are feeling better - rib pain is awful
We had a similar situation up here but not as bad.. It was only with one individual.. We resolved the problem by saying........ "GOT ALONG WITHOUT YOU BEFORE I MET YOU, AND I'M GOING TO GET ALONG WITHOUT YOU NOW' ...
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this @Janice Martin. It sounds like you have moved amongst a bunch of "takers' with you be the only "giver" in the bunch. You asked for advise and my first advise would be to pack up and move out of "hell" as fast as you can. But realistically I know that may not be possible for you to do And even if you did move, it is possible you could end up with the same situation somewhere else, unless you want to come be my neighbor and know you could count on having someone who would give to you too. I would definitely say that it's time to weed out those "dead-heads" in your life and start finding some real friends who know the meaning of give and take. Sometimes we can find those "give and take" friends in the community we live in, the place we worship in, or even through a helpline for Senior citizens. I Just because you have "terrible taking only" neighbors Janice...don't stop being the "giving and caring" person that your were created to be. Just stop "casting your pearls to the swines" that live around you and start looking for some friends that are better balanced in the give and take department. I hope you don't mind if I pray for some of these givers to come into your life real soon...it can be a cold and lonely world out there without the "warmth" of real friends.
My wife was sort of like you until I taught her to change some. She totally understood what I told her. She is much more of a "giver" than I am. I'm not necessarily a "taker", but. I'm more of "in the middle". One thing a person has to learn, in a situation like yours........you can be the nice, kind, loving "giver", but if you expect others to return that "giving" thing, you're just asking for heartache and disappointment! Some people will, while others definitely won't and you have to "let go" of those that don't and continue to disappoint you. Bottom Line: Absolutely STOP being such a "giver"!
@Janice Martin Wow. Don't bother trying to talk it out. Sorry to say it but you allowed yourself to be used way too long. Don't EVER lift a finger or do anything for these people. Never. Frankly I wouldn't even say hello.
Do you want to hear a good one??? By now, you know that I was bitten by a dog that belonged to a visitor of our neighbour, but it wasn't her dog.. I had 3 stitches at the hospital.. The law here in Ontario is, when a dog bites someone, it is automatically reported to the animal health department to insure the dog has all its shots.. Well, we told the neighbour that it wasn't her fault, or her dog, and we don't blame her.. SHE WON'T TALK TO US ANY MORE BECAUSE THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT WENT TO VISIT HER.. She totally ignores us.. She feels that she was the victim here and not me.. I am the one that was bitten, bled all night, was in pain, went to the hospital where they gave me 3 stitches, put me on antibiotics for a week, had the stitches removed and still will have a scar there.. AND SHE IS THE VICTIM ???.......................................... HELLO !!!!! I don't like having a war with folks even if they live down the road, but I think she has gone too far on this one.. My wife also sent her a PM on Facebook to which she replied by sending back some sort of notice that she doesn't need people to tell her what to do.. Just thought you would like this one....
What a change of attitude from your neighbor, @Steve North ! I can see that she would maybe also feel like a victim, since it was not her who owned the dog that bit you; but at the same time, she is the person who allowed the other friends to bring their dog into her house. Even though the health department visited her for information, she should not be charged with anything , and the people who actually owned the dog are the ones responsible for the behavior and actions of the dog. What is happening with those people in all of this ? I would think that would be who your neighbor never wants to speak to again, if anyone. Hopefully, once this blows over, she will come back to her senses and realize that NONE of this is your fault, Steve.
@Steve North I have no words.....Other than I would not even acknowledge their bleepin' existence. They're lucky you didn't lawyer-up. Yet.
Yep, @Steve North . It's not too late to get a lawyer. I know that under the Canadian medical system, you won't have a bill to pay but you did undergo a lot of pain. Plus the expense of traveling to the ER and the doctors office.
@Steve North "I don't like having a war with folks even if they live down the road" But, nonetheless you are.
Nope, no war.... I will NOT sue her and NO lawyer will get involved from me.. That just isn't my style.. I never sued anyone in my life and I surely won't start now.. As far as her attitude goes, if that is the type of person she is, then just let her be and we will say Hello when we see her and be polite, but we will not pursue the incident any further.. We live in a very small village and these incidents happen, but having a war isn't the answer.. Killing her with kindness is most likely one answer.. Why she is most likely angry is because by now, the whole village knows about the incident as news travels fast in a small place.. I for sure wasn't the bearer of that news on purpose, but when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics, a lady overheard my request for the prescription and most likely spread the news all over the village.. The health department said to me that the dog had all its shots and they were up to date, so there isn't any fear from rabies or anything like that.. That was verified by them as they contacted the vet the dog goes to.. The stitches are out and it is healing just nicely.. If I end up with a small scar or not isn't that important to me.. Definitely not the only scar I have.. As far as I am concerned, ITS ALL OVER and I promise you that LIFE GOES ON ...!!!...!!!.. PS..... Did I tell you that the dog weighs 180 pounds.. it is a cross between a Rottweiler and a Bull Massive ..