My friend said he was going fishing in the Marshyhope River which runs through Federalsburg where I live. I asked him if he was going out in a boat. He said no, that he would fish from the bank. I said your bank is nowhere near the river. My friends think I'm strange.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off." What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally , it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age ,the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club. One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek. Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek. The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.
Newspapers Oldie but goodie: NEWSPAPER READERS Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate: 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles. 4 USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people who are in prison, who used to run the state, and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail. 10 The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. 11 The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. 12 The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. 13 The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.