Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....."
Well, the next to go was Seamus. He called Sean to his bedside, "Sean, me auld boyo, it's the boneyard fer me. But there's somethin' I need fer ye to do when I'm under the sod." "Anythin', Seamus, anythin'." "Do ye be lookin' in me bureau drawer and ye'll find a fine auld bottle of Jameson's that I've been keepin' for a special occasion." "I see it, Seamus, I do indeed. And a right fine thing it is to see." "When the good Father has said his last prayers fer me and the gravediggers have put me under the dirt, would ye pour that Jameson's over me grave in mem'ry of our fine times? Will ye do that, Sean?" "Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, Seamus, I'll be sure to do yer last wishes, but would you do me the privilege of allowin' me to pass it through me kidneys first?"
Seamus and Sean were in the pub one night, and having put down a few pints, they were getting reminiscent of the old days when they were young and virile. "Ah, Seamus, Boyo, we were a pair for the ladies, weren't we?" Sean brags. "I'm lookin' back and I do believe I have ye beat on the count. I've been rememberin' and I can say honestly that I've had every woman in this village, save me Mum, me auld Granny, me six sisters and, of course, th' good Sisters up at the convent." Seamus drains his pint, leans back and bellows, "What a pair we were! Between the two of us we nailed 'em all!"
One of the funniest jokes I ever read was about a Scotsman and two Irish ladies. if I could remember exactly how it goes and if I thought @Ken Anderson wouldn't permanently ban me, I would post it.
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us. I said, “That’s us in 10 years.” She said “That’s a mirror you idiot.”
An old Irish man was sitting at a bar in Los Angeles, nursing a pint when another equally old one hobbles in and sits down on the next stool. "Ah, give me a pint, would'ya, laddie" he tells the bartender in a thick Old Sod accent. The first old man turns on his stool and says, "From what I'm hearin', ye must be from the Auld Sod!" "I am that! Dublin born and raised!" "Dublin, ye say! I'm a Dublin man meself! Laddie, I'm buying this fine feller a pint and I'll have another meself! We have to lift a pint to two Dublin men finding themselves in this country." "Where did ye live and don't say in the North or I'll have to give ye a right thumping for auld time's sake?" "Not a bit of it, no fear. It was Rathmines for me." "Rathmines ye say? Who'd have thought it! It was Rathmines for me, too! Laddie, serve up two more pints and I'm paying this time! I did my schooling with the Christian Brothers, at least as much as they could stuff in me head. Where did you go for yer schoolin'?" "Well, Jaysus Mary and Joseph, didn't I put me time in at the Brothers school, too! Do ye remember Brother Fingal? He laid that cane across my back enough times that I'd not forget him." "Brother Fingal? That feckin' old bastid had it in for me, fer sure. Laddie, set us up again! We're drinking to Brother Fingal's health, sure thing that he's enjoying it in hell!" At that point, another man who had been sitting father down the bar says to the bartender, "What a coincidence that must be. Those two old guys running into each other in this big city so far from home!" "Naw," says the bartender. "It's just the O'Malley twins, they're drunk again."