Have you ever been told that you were just jealous over one of your siblings? That you were making less with your life than that sibling? That you have nothing and you never will, that your married to someone who has nothing! Have you ever been called fat by your mother? Have you ever been made to feel like your not important to your mother or father or both! This is a story of how I feel....I am really new to writing so please excuse any mistakes I might make. I decided after today that I need to get this down on paper and that maybe it would help me understand it if just one person knows how I feel inside. Please speak out and give me your opinion on any of this, your opinion could be one that makes me finally realize what all of this is about. I do know that I am tired of thinking about this, and tired of my mother making me feel that I am not worthy of her. I just want to spend the rest of my days on this earth as happy as possible. I want to make those around me happy. I want to feel good about me, about what I am , and what I do. I am so hoping to find some answers here...it is that important to me. I will write this in chapters because it will be long, trust me, this isn't an easy one to figure out, I am 53 years old and I haven't yet. Thank you in advance for taking the time needed to read this... I am not sure where to begin. Where the problem started is not any easy question because I honestly am not sure when all of the madness you are about to read came into my life. The feelings that are within me feel like they have been there for an eternity. Some days these feelings are stronger than other days but none the less are there either showing themselves are laying dominant. I try to think back as to when I was a child and I have to say that I cannot really recall much before the age of 9 or 10. That is when tragedy struck my family like a ton of bricks. My oldest sister was born with a heart condition. Back then, there were so many things that they couldn't fix and her condition was exactly that. She was considered a "blue baby". I only know of all of this by either my parents talking about it or later in my life discussing it with my Mother. Point is, she was suppose to not see 1 year of age and she lived for 15 years. Her heart must have been strong to endure all that she did and I think it just came to be that her heart could not handle it anymore. I remember vividly the night she passed away. I was 10 years old. My next to the oldest sister and my youngest sister were all sleeping in a double sized bed and my father walked into the room and woke us and told us that our sister was in heaven. I remember us crying, I remember my parents walking around totally out of it for what seemed like a long time, and I remember the funeral, walking behind the casket in an old Catholic Church not far from where I live today. I was crying and felt like the whole world was looking at me, at my family, walking behind a casket with my oldest sister in it. It was horrible. I still see the images of this today. Immediately after the funeral a bunch of people from friends to family gathered at our home. I remember all of the food! The mood was loving, my parents were moving about but paralyzed with grief. The one thing that seemed to lighten the mood was my baby brother. Oh, I didn't mention him yet, so sorry, along with having a younger and older sister, I also have a baby brother who at the time of my sisters death was nearly a year old. He was the only boy. He was the last baby my mother ever had. He was cute as a button and everyone adored him. My sisters and I also adored him but I think even back then could sense that my parents treated him differently than they did us. After my sister died both my parents thought that God took their daughter away but gave them my brother in her place. The years go by so fast. You go to bed one night on your 18th birthday and wake up and look in the mirror to a withered face and grey hair. Well, it might not be that bad but I do claim every grey hair on my head...be it from stress, kids, PARENTS! All the same the years go by so fast and you really don't even realize that until your about my age now....then you sit back and wonder where all the time went...why you did this or that.....sometimes I feel so empty inside that I don't know what to do next but sit and stare out our picture window. My parents, what a treat they are. My brother ...he really is a sweet guy.