Even though I love someone with an addiction it has been possible for the most part for us to have a mostly loving and peaceful life together. This didn't just happen, it was and is a process and it probably won't work for everyone in this kind of relationship. I had to do a lot of research on addiction and even attended some meetings to help the loved ones of thosed addicted, etc. both in the secular world and the Christian. But what helped me most of all is figuring out what I could and could not do to make our life as loving and peaceful as possible. As I said in an earlier post my spouse when he is not drinking is a wonderful man, my soul mate, and a loving husband. So it is these qualities I wanted to concentrate on and keep in our lives as much as possible. And for the most part....we have been able to do this by setting boundaries and changing the way some things might have been done in our marriage if my husband didn't have this addiction. For one thing we have separate bank accounts. At one time we had just a joint account, but anytime my spouse wanted to buy beer or cigarettes he just just wrote a check or used his debit card and didn't enter the check number in our check book or debit the receipt there either....which was always messing up our account. So we sat down when he was sober and I told him I was opening another account with just my name where all the bill paying money, etc. would be deposited and in our join account would go only his "allowance" which he would be responsible for keeping up to date, etc. Every pay day he would go to the bank and deposit so much into each account and bring home the deposit slips. So I took care of the monthly bills and he took care of his spending account....and from that day on we had no more problems with this area of our lives. We did run into another problem though. We also have a savings account and when he would run out of his spending money he would dip into the Savings which I didn't find out about until a couple of months after he had been doing this. So I transferred everything but $100. of that Savings Account into my private account and told him once again that he could use that $100 but when it was gone he would either have to replace it or shut down the saving account. He got mad at this...but I told him I was not going to let him throw away our money on his addiction and that if he felt he needed more money to pay for his addiction...then he would just have to work more hours to do so. And he did just that for awhile. This boundary helped my spouse gain some self-control over his spending and stopped him from using our bill money to feed his addiction. These were boundaries I set and I'm not going to tell you that they worked perfectly at first....there were a few kinks to work out. But we worked those kinks out and I stood firm on these boundaries and now they are a natural part of our lives that keeps things running smoothly for both of us and lets us have peace too. The next boundary to be set was with limits on his personal behavior when drinking. And by that I mean playing our music loud after a certain hour of the evening, disturbing my sleep with his behavior, etc. I bought him a set of headphones with an extra extension so he could listen to his music as long as he wanted too without it waking me or anyone else up. The biggest boundary I set here was in how long I would interact with him when he was drinking. I would "play" with him until he started slurring his words, or let me know in any other way that he was not sober anymore. That would be my signal to tell him I was going to my room to do my own thing while he did his. This part was not fun for either one of us at first. But my husband is an intelligent man who can get stupid when drinking and I can't do stupid anymore and won't. At first he got mad at this boundary I had set, but I stood firm on it and he learned to respect this boundary. Which once again gives us peace and harmony in our home. And there was an added benefit...my husband actually would pace his drinking (like having a glass of tea between beers, etc) so I would stay and play longer. I also set a boundary that if we go to a party or family gathering and I tell him it's time to go home (because he is getting to loose) then we go home. A few times he got upset with me because he wasn't ready to stop partying and so the next day when he was sober I told him I would not be taking him with me to that place or event again. Only when he told me he would not behave that way again if I gave him another chance...did I give him one more chance to prove he wouldn't...and since he has known me long enough to know I mean what I say...this boundary has worked almost every time too. I have been blessed that my spouse does not drink and drive, does not go out to bars to drink, and does not get abusive with me. Those would all be things I could not and would not live with. I have also been blessed that even though he is addicted we have been able to work things out so there is mainly peace, harmony, and love between us and in our home. I don't like having to set boundaries with my spouse...but I think of it like setting boundaries for a child who does not have self-control and that's pretty much what I'm dealing with when my spouse is drinking. Addiction can ruin lives and cause destruction. But I am here to tell you that it is possible to not let addiction ruin or destroy your life personally. I want my spouse to be set free and as a Christian this has always been my prayer but the other part of my prayer has been to show me how to not let this addiction destroy us and the life we have together. And God has been faithful in doing just that. Our life together will never be totally smooth or without a few ruts along the way...but then I don't know anyone whose life is smooth and without ruts in one way or the other. Living with addiction isn't always possible....there are some whose addictions have total control of them and no matter what you try or how many boundaries you set....it just doesn't work. At that point you just do what you have to do no matter what that turns out to be. I love my spouse with all my heart and I know that he loves me too. We all have things in our lives that we wish we didn't have. Addiction is something I wish I could throw out of my life...but my spouse is someone I definitely want to keep!
There are times, and this could be one of them, where I think that "Tough Love" comes into play. Some friends, of a spouse going thru this, will tell the person to be "tough" with their spouse when it comes to any kind of addiction. Other friends will hold the person in their arms (physically or mentally) and tell them "it will be ok, God will take care of this". As I am a Christian/Believer, I still think that old saying "God helps those who help themselves" is a very good phrase. We can rely on God to help us, but we can't just do nothing ourselves. My wife was married to an alcoholic and smoker for numerous years. My wife married, as I did to my first wife, for looks. Her second husband was very attractive as was my ex. She had/has asthma and had to use an inhaler quite often when around him........did he care? Nope, and continued to smoke. The dude got DUI's, spent time in jail and had to go to AA meetings. Again, did he care about her feelings? Nope, just kept right on drinking. Finally, after she completely knew that he wasn't going to change, she divorced him. He was so upset about the divorce, he committed suicide with a gun. It bothered her for awhile, but she knew what he did definitely wasn't her fault. She tried helping, but in the end, couldn't take it anymore. He just simply wasn't going to stop drinking and smoking! He didn't even want to try. So, even though I can be compassionate, I also look at the "reality" side of things. When a spouse doesn't want to change a very serious problem about themselves, just what does the other spouse do? We all want to be happy, whether we are married, single or divorced. Marital problems are a 2-way street.........one spouse doing something bad and the other putting up with that "bad" stuff. IMO, Babs needs help, more professionally than from us. When, as you call him, "Mr. Alcoholic" takes over, it's bad for you. What I don't like is that he seems to refuse to stop drinking even though he knows what it does to you and your marriage to him. Obviously, Babs, a "functional" alcoholic sure isn't fun/happy to be around. But, it's pretty much up to you of how you handle your marriage to this type of person.
"God helps those who help themselves." is not in the Bible. Origin: Benjamin Franklin in "Poor Richard's Almanac" God helps the helpless.
Wife just told me the Bible version of the statement is: "Faith without work is dead". There is nothing wrong with relying on the Lord to help us with problems, but WE have to do things as well. And, the things we do have to work. Just coping with certain things in a marriage is not the way to go. Some things can be coped with, while other things are just too serious.
Yes, I agree with you @Cody Fousnaugh I did and do need help and anyone in a marriage or relationship with someone who has an addiction should get the help they need. I did do this, I still do this when rough patches come (and they do and will continue to come). My first help is always the Lord...always has been and always will be. But I have human help too...a Counselor who is my age and actually is a Professor at our local college who teaches about addiction, especially alcoholism. She has lent me lots of textbooks that taught me all about this addiction and the stages, etc. There was a lot of things that I didn't know even after all my research, etc. that I did on my own. I also tried AA for spouses, etc. but did not find that was helpful at all. Celebrate Recovery, a Christian program offered through many Churches here...was helpful and I would not hesitate to go back to this if I feel the need. I even tried a few Codependency studies but I liked the book by Melody Beatty much better and her companion daily devotional. There is lots of help out there for anyone who loves someone who has an addiction...so don't hesitate to reach out for it. One thing I truly want everyone to understand is that I am not a victim here or in denial about my husband's addiction. I also want to say that Cody's wife did what she felt she had to do in her situation. Although our situations are similiar in some ways...they are also different in many ways. Just as every individual is different, every addiction situation is different too. And we all have to find our own answers and our own solutions that work or don't work for each of us. Once I knew enough about addiction to know what I could and could not live with...I sat down with my spouse and told him what I would and would not live with. I set the boundaries I could live by, and even though we have had to work a few kinks out..the boundaries have worked for us and we have had a good and loving marriage for 12 years now. It is not perfect...but I really don't know anyone who has a perfect marriage. I cannot make my husband stop drinking or smoking. I can and do tell him often that I am praying for him to be set free from his addictions and for him to have that desire too. And I can tell you that since I completely gave him over to the Lord to change or not change...I have seen many changes happen that are miracles to me. I would be the first one to tell you not to stay with someone who has an addiction if your life is in danger and I don't care if that danger is to you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially. Do what you have to do to save yourself (and your children if there are children involved here) and what is important to you because lots of times that is the only thing someone can do. If someone is determined to destroy themselves and everything else in their lives, then if you really know this...don't allow them to destroy you too. That's a big reason why I'm here telling you my story with addiction... My faith in the Lord is one of my strongest helps in my situation whether my husband decides to quit drinking or not. It is God who gives me the strength to stand firm in my boundaries, stand firm in my resolution not to enable my husband's addiction...and it is the Lord who also sets me free to not get caught up in his addiction and make it my life too. I love my husband but I also love me...and I take care of myself and the things I need too. Addiction will affect your relationship but it doesn't have to take over your life unless you allow it too. And if that happens...then it's time to think about leaving that relationship or marriage, etc. I can't make decisions for anyone else...but I can and do make my own decisions that I feel are best for me.
There is no "just coping" with addiction Cody. You have to really "work" to try to change things as even your wife who lived with this should be able to tell you. It is when you have worked to change things and know that you are the only one working at it...that you either put up with it...or get out. My husband might not be set free from his addiction, but he has certainly "worked" with me to not let it ruin our lives or our marriage. The Scripture you quoted pertains to salvation but even it you want to use it here I will tell you by faith that both my husband and I are working to not let his addiction destroy what God has blessed us with.
Another reply I decided to delete. Babs, please read my next reply. Sometimes I can be too "hard" and I really feel that a couple of my last replies may have been just that.
I will say this.........Babs, it sounds like you REALLY love your husband a lot and won't do anything to destroy that. I do understand. Why? Because I love my wife a ton and it would be extremely hard for me to say that word "goodbye" for something like you are going thru. All I can really say is, GOOD LUCK and hope that he can continue to have a good understanding of what YOU want/require out of him. Although, what you really want/require isn't going to happen. But, Good Luck anyway!
Babs, your words reveal a Hope that is in you, that God is actively involved in saving your husband from his addiction and restoring your marriage. You are not in this alone, but God is in your midst, and will not walk away from you. God bless you both!
If I'm going through a tough situation whether it be a marriage or any other thing....I always need God first in it with me and His wisdom in knowing when to stand firm (or tough as you call it) and when as a song says: "Know when to hold them, and know when to fold them." I can tell by your passion here that you really hate what your wife had to go through with her ex...and I don't blame you and understand your feelings. But while I understand your feelings here you need to also understand mine. My husband is not your wife's ex and even though he has an addiction he is not her ex either...and the situations are two entirely different things and people. While I may not be the most intelligent person on earth...I also am not stupid Cody and can judge for myself whether or not my husband loves me or not...in spite of any addiction he has. Your wife had every right to make the decision she made, as her ex made the choice to not try to save their marriage and I don't believe anyone can save a marriage by themselves. Don't lump my marriage in with hers to her ex though as this is not fair to me or my husband. We all struggle with something and sometimes it becomes a stronghold in our lives that destroys everything because we don't fight to save those things. My husband may have an addiction he hasn't been set free from but understand this...he is fighting with me to save what is important to us both...and that is our life together. Christians are not immune to struggles or trials, etc.... in fact if anything they are probably going to get harder hit by satan because they choose to be a Christian.
@Joe Riley Thanks for the breath of fresh air Joe! My Hope and Faith knows that both God and my husband are actively involved in being set free from this stronghold in his life. As long as my husband is fighting the good fight to overcome....I will encourage and fight right along side of him.
Cody, it is clear that you really Love your wife and hate it that you could not protect her from her pain. But you are doing that now evidently and I'm sure your love for her has helped to heal alot of the pain and wounds from that time in her life. That's why I can't take offense at anything you have said here....because I know that your care and concern is for me too and I really appreciate that. You may think that my husband is only understanding what I want out of him...but if you ask your wife she will tell you that her ex didn't care what she wanted or needed no matter what she did. That was the choice her ex made but not the choice my husband is making. I'm not going to lose my hope or faith because you think what I want isn't going to happen. I'm not even going to lose my own hope or faith here because when I gave my husband and his addiction over to God...my trust and hope and faith is not in what I want anymore...but in what God wants. It will seem crazy to those who aren't believers but when you give up your hopes and expectations and just let go and let God...miracles do happen...in ways you can't even imagine. I don't tell God anymore what I want. I just let Him show me what He wants me to do each day and then I do my best in my humanness to do just that.
Just wanted to let those who are interested and who might say a prayer for my nephew that he is in Rehab now for his drug addiction. He spent 4 or 5 days in the hospital detoxing and then was sent to Rehab, from there he will enter a halfway house. He has lost so much already because of his addiction, please pray that he will be set free and not lose his life to drugs too. Thank you.