Good morning @Jan Ahlmann and welcome to SoC ! Sometimes there’s something lost in the translation when we write versus speaking face to face. With that said, I’m sure Joy didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. Maybe you might go to the introduction area at the top left and write a bit about yourself. In that way, you’ll not only get a proper welcome but it might also help the other seniors here know a little about you and avoid stepping on toes.
All you have to do is click on the person’s avatar and choose “ignore” and you will not see their posts @Jan Ahlmann . With that being said, and having read through the conversation, it is my personal belief that @Joy Martin means well and was just trying to share her experiences with you, which is kind of her to do. There is one basic rule on this forum, and it goes something like this: “Try not to be too offensive, and try not to be too easily offended. “ We can have conversations about most any topic on this forum, and the only things not allowed are vulgarity and personal attacks. We all do our best to follow these guidelines, but we are all different people; so if you do not care for some other person’s input, then just put that person on Ignore and that will solve your problem. Also, there is a place under Notices and Announcements that is a sub forum for introductions, where you can share more about yourself so we do not accidentally say something that offends you because we do not know you.
I didn't mean to ruffle feathers but gave you comments I would give everyone in my life if they asked what you asked, I don't sugar coat, the longer one lives the more wisdom and experiences they live thru. As far as the ignore thing, personally I've never used it in all the forums I'm on and have been one, I just ignore what others say that don't resonate with me. My choice. We're talking with many strangers, and many are truly mean, I'm not mean, truthful Yes. Jan: ;look at it this way, you can ignore all I offer on this group....that's a win right? Welcome, and hopefully it will get better for you.
WOW! I didn’t ask ANY QUESTIONS! You just thought it was your place to give unsolicited and unwanted advice on a subject you know NOTHING about and that is none of your business. You’re just a… no, never mind, I won’t stoop to your level. This is obviously not the place for me. Here’s some advice that I imagine you’ve been told countless times in your life - MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Unless there's some nuance (or history) that I'm missing, I don't think the intention was to be hurtful. I can appreciate that it might feel that way because the implication is that it's your fault, and there is nothing you have said that would indicate that to be the case, but I don't think the intent was to be hurtful. You make a good point, though. We should consider whether the things we say are intrusive or potentially hurtful, because it's all too easy to do that online, even more so than in person.
Ken, good comments. What I have learned along my path, there are at least 2 sides to stories and so often we hear only one side.
I understand what Jan was saying. She could see no LOGICAL reason she had been cut out of others' lives. I also understand what Joy said that she felt there had to be a reason, however, she didn't give thought if the reason would be logical to Jan. Being Jan's first post, then assumptions had to be made and assumptions made without knowing Jan better led to hurt feelings. The key word here is LOGICAL and what is logical to one may not be to others. I for one, find myself giving unsolicited advice at times. If no question is posed. then any advice given is unsolicited. It may be appreciated or it may not. I wouldn't join a forum, especially a senior one if unsolicited advice is a problem. If unsolicited advice or even one's personal agenda becomes repetitious, then that can be annoying. I ask myself, is the poster asking a question, or are they just telling a story about their life? Are they seeking a response or just a like? Will my response be of value or insignificance as little fresh-hatched ducks farting on a huge lake?
The woman's very first post resulted in a stranger insulting her motherhood, right in her face. It was her first post. She was a stranger...a brand new guest. There was zero context for that response. People can call it "unsolicited advice," but that degree of unfounded judgemental negativity (accurate or not) was unwarranted.
Not taking sides, but I do feel it was out of line to place a judgment on Jan without knowing anything about her. Quote: "Jan, there has to be reasons why you feel kicked out. Think on this one. Maybe you wanted to be too much in their lives." .
I'll take sides. It was her first post, and was not a request for advice or for negative judgement. That being said, the written word does not lend itself to tonal inflection, so you can apply a questioning tone to the statement ("Did you ever consider that you...?") or you can apply a snarky tone. It doesn't really matter now. I think she's been chased away.
Again, we don't know what goes on in other's lives, and I'll continue to say there are reasons for everything that goes on in them, things do get so distorted. Mental illness is in a lot of family lines and does rear it's head in children that come along, grandkids too. I see that in my daughter's life. Personally I would NOT post on a brand new forum as Jan did, I know myself and work to figure things out with my critical thinking. I've had many issues with my daughter and have been trying to figure it all out for years, and asking strangers, no way..... Take sides if you all want to.
You miss the point that the thread is about "Aging Alone" and Jan apparently joined to add to the thread (a topic she felt strongly about) that she was aging alone and couldn't see any LOGICAL reason why her kids and g kids were shunning her. While there is always a reason it may not be logical to the shunned. She was just jumping in and joined because the thread spoke to her situation. .
Perhaps we could move along. I don't believe Joy meant to insult anyone. I imagine that living alone is more difficult for some people during the holidays. I mentioned on another thread that this time of year makes me melancholy, and I have a large family to deal with. We were supposed to go to my son's house this Saturday but his teenage daughter has covid.