This is a trait my wife's family follows: knowing bad news is on the doorstep, they bury their heads in the sand. Then when it becomes inescapable and unbearable, they moan. My wife's mother at 95 is diagnosed with colon cancer: the docs will do nothing to treat it. Now, after about 6 months, new symptoms have become evident. My wife's younger sister Betsy is caring for their mother at home. A nurse visits every week. Their mother has become less aware during the past months, and now really cannot describe her complaints and changes. The nurse has now determined that severe infection in the urinary tract is due to a fistula between the colon and bladder. I see this as very serious, the sisters are "riding out the storm". Clearly, the old woman cannot continue this way for long. Nurse is giving her antibiotics. I ask my wife if she has given thought, discussed with Betsy, the most acceptable way to handle this. She gets very angry, and won't discuss it. So I'm stuck between the proverbial bad places. This situation is trying on our existence. Frank
Sorry Frank that you and family have to endure this . Perhaps a blessing in disguise will appear soon, and put the family at rest. I hope I said that properly, no offense intended. YOur in my prayers.
That is a sad situation, Frank. I have a friend like that and her family is the same. Never really address the issues at hand and prepare or take any action that might make the outcome a little better. If I say anything she gets angry so I avoid any discussion about her family. When things turn out worse than they had to, she cries and feels sorry for those that wouldn't take any responsibility.
Perhaps she gets angry because she’s at a loss too and doesn’t know how to respond? We all have our failings but as men normally compartmentalize each item on the plate, the ladies have a tendency to try to take a bite of each thing on their plate at one time which gets frustrating because at that point it’s hard to distinguish one thing from the other. In my life there have been times when I have had to “seemingly” shrug my shoulders and give a little distance even though my spouse’s concerns are at the apex of mine. As long as I make sure that she knows that I’m there when she needs a thought or a shoulder is about all that can be done sometimes. In any event, it isn’t fun nor easy to try to walk on eggs without breaking a few but as @Gloria Mitchell observed, there might indeed be a blessing at the end of all the travails which hopefully will unite you guys even more than before.
There is a supplement called D-Mannose. It makes the urinary tract slippery so bacteria can't stick. It is an easy thing to try and tastes sweet so your MIL will not fight it. If on antibiotics, she needs to also be on probiotics--especially after the course of antibiotics is over. Antibiotics kill off all the bugs, good and bad. The good ones help the intestinal tract. Sadly, all you can probably do is anything to keep her comfortable. I am also one who strikes out in frustration when I should not. But being helpless....
Not ans easy situation to comment on. Hope whatever happens is for the best.I ould not want to live long enough to be in that shape but not saying everyone feels that way. At the end of my mothers lufe I prayed for God to take her. She never would allow anyone but me to care for her and I tried to keep her comfortable. he passed in our front room I took her last pulse them ran scraming it is not easy to lose a loved one.
"I ask my wife if she has given thought, discussed with Betsy, the most acceptable way to handle this. She gets very angry, and won't discuss it. " She probably knows that there is no easy way to handle it. Sometimes it's best to delay the pain until it has to be faced. When it has to be faced, you should be there to hold her when she cries. As for burying their head in the sand at other times, doesn't that get sand up their noses?
Most of the time, the most acceptable way to handle things is to just let them play out. I'm sure your wife is upset and feeling powerless to help her mother. Does your MIL live close by, Frank?
I was going to chime in with something along these line. Emotions are as much at play as facts...although I was going to use the word "guilty" rather than "powerless." The guilt does not have to be deserved for it to be real. 95 years old, huh? Damn.
Your wife probably feels that there is nothing to discuss and has accepted the inevitability of the situation and therefore finds it difficult to discuss. We all have different coping mechanisms.
I don't understand why they won't repair the fistula unless the lady is too ill to withstand the surgery. If she has a fistula, the UTIs will never resolve and your MIL will just slide downhill rapidly.
@Don Alaska I told only the part relevant to hiding from difficulty. What you state above is precisely the way I see it. E-coli backing up into the kidneys is the severest result I see. Fistula of this type is said to be rare, but not impossible. The docs feel the lady would not stand surgery, and thus have elected to not treat the malignancy and now have a resulting side-effect, which allows waste matter to enter the bladder through a rend in the tissues connecting it to the colon. I see death in this case, when it comes, as hard-fought. Her general condition, heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver are all functioning very well for her age. We need another Jack Kevorkian......... Frank
They gonna do what they gonna do, don't push the issue, it will be over soon. You are not responsible for other peoples choices or thinking and you certainly are not going to change them don't even try....
I might agree with the part about not being able to change someone, but many folks have the inclination to do the right thing but may be afraid (or unsure how) to execute on their own. All they may need is for someone to open the door or hold out a hand to escort them across the threshold.