Q: What’s the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas? A: You just have one set of grandparents to get presents from.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. - The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow. - “Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself. - The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.” - “Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked. - The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff. - “What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver. - “Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. “Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.” “Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver. “You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”