Just For Laughs

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Allie Seay, Mar 29, 2015.

  1. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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    @Tony Page joke reminded me of this one:

    A guy goes in to a talent agency with his dog.

    Agent: What can I do for you?
    Guy: My dog can talk.
    Agent: Horse hockey!
    Guy: No. Seriously. I'll show you.

    Guy: What's on the top of a house?
    Dog: Roof!

    Guy: How does sandpaper feel?
    Dog: Ruff!

    Guy: Who was the greatest baseball player to ever live?
    Dog: Ruth!

    The agent kicks them out to the curb. They're sitting by the side of the street, and the dog looks up at the guy and says "I should have said DiMaggio??"
     
    #1036
  2. Tony Page

    Tony Page Veteran Member
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    A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
    The grandma replied “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.
    I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
    Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the tv trying to get it in focus.
    The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood her minister .
    The minister said , "Hello, son, is your
    Grandma home? The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
    The minister fainted.
     
    #1037
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  3. Dwight Ward

    Dwight Ward Veteran Member
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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
    “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
    “Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
    "Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
     
    #1038
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  4. Dwight Ward

    Dwight Ward Veteran Member
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    Baltimore people use the 'hon' very often. With that in mind they think that Attila the Hun's invasion of Europe was a good thing.
    Attila.gif
     
    #1039
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  5. Bobby Cole

    Bobby Cole Supreme Member
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    Sooo, the President was looking for bids to paint the White House.
    The Chinese came up with a bid of 3 million.
    The Europeans said they could do it for 7 million. and Pakistan said it could be done for 10 million.

    When the President asked how they came up with their bids, the Chinese said:
    It’s 1 million for paint, 1 million for labor and 1 million for profit.

    The Europeans reasoning was that it would be 3 million for paint,
    2 million in labor and 2 million for profit.

    The last on the list was Pakistan and their representative said,
    Mr. President, that would be 4 million for you, 3 million for me….
    and the other 3 million is to hire the Chinese to paint the White House.

    Pakistan won the bid.
     
    #1040
  6. Bobby Cole

    Bobby Cole Supreme Member
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    Senior to his neighbor: I don’t feel well today.
    Neighbor: Maybe you should go see a doctor.
    Senior: No, a doctor killed my uncle.
    Neighbor: Wow, what happened?
    Senior: My uncle had chest pains and went to see a doctor. The doctor checked his pulse and listened to his heart and said he was alright.
    When my uncle left the building, he died in the middle of the street.
    Neighbor: Of a heart attack?
    Senior: No, an automobile.
    Neighbor: So if he got hit by a car, why do you blame the doctor?
    Senior: The doctor was driving the car.
     
    #1041
  7. Tony Page

    Tony Page Veteran Member
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    A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said,
    "Let's talk".
    Kid: Ok, what do we talk about?
    Man (making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?
    Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question... Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass.
    Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?
    Man: I don't know.
    Child: How do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know s**t?!!
     
    #1042
  8. Dwight Ward

    Dwight Ward Veteran Member
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    I've tried to make myself attractive to women by being honest, flattering, funny, looking my best, taking them to nice places, etc. None of that matters. Just get them plenty of the chocolate they like.
     
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  9. Mary Stetler

    Mary Stetler Veteran Member
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    I figure to find a friend first, if I had to start over. I'd Find a club or activity that interests me and see who shows up that interests me. Having similar interests is a good start to a longer term relationship.
    Dwight Ward just has to use his Harrison Ford avatar to be attractive. All I have is hair dye.:rolleyes:
     
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  10. Yvonne Smith

    Yvonne Smith Senior Staff
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    That Harrison Ford avatar does it every time, doesn’t it !
    Maybe we all just need a movie star avatar, and I stopped with the hair dye a while back; so even that does not work for me anymore.
    I did start wearing earrings again though, if that counts for anything ?
     
    #1045
  11. Bobby Cole

    Bobby Cole Supreme Member
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    #1046
  12. Mary Stetler

    Mary Stetler Veteran Member
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    Wow! That is on tik tok? I thought tik tok was FOR woke snowflakes.
    (People think that MY 2x4 training is a joke ; )
     
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  13. Tony Page

    Tony Page Veteran Member
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    I watched it three times and put a smile on my face but also told the truth of how life is different today, and what happens when it mixes with yesterday's lifestyles.
     
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  14. Marie Mallery

    Marie Mallery Veteran Member
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    Yvonne the more I try the worse I look, so I know all about the hair dye ,etc,etc,etc.
    Nothing worse than looking like ' I tried and couldn't.' I do still wear earrings too.Some lipstick.
     
    #1049
  15. Marie Mallery

    Marie Mallery Veteran Member
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    I thought TikTok was China, but also liked the video. Now that the people turned their kids over to tyrannical politicians and teacher's unions the parents have become Woke.
    I'd be in jail now if I still had kids to raise.

    I had a joke about a kid,but forgot, so here is a short corny one,

    Now I forgot the short funny one while typing.

    '
     
    #1050
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