Mildly Rude Funnies

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Craig Wilson, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
    His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed & he was feeling worn out & depressed. As soon as he arrived home, his wife started yelling at him: "It's midnight....What have you been doing all night......? Where the hell have you been.....? Dinner is cold & I'm not reheating it....!"

    Too tired to argue with her, he poured himself a drink & went to take a shower. His wife followed him to the bathroom, continuing to yell at him. While he was in the shower, the phone rang. It was her husband's office & she was given a message for her husband - that his client, James Wright would not be hanged tonight.
    Finally realizing what a terrible day her husband must have had, she decided to go into the bathroom to give him the good news. When she opened the bathroom door, her husband had just stepped out of the shower & was drying himself off.
    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
    To which he whirled around & screamed, "Dammit woman....don't you ever stop?"
     
    #166
  2. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    John was sitting outside his local pub, enjoying a pint of vodka when a nun appears & starts decrying the evils of drink.
    "You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" she says.
    John asks, "How do you know, Sister?"
    "My Mother Superior told me so," replies the nun.
    "But have you ever had a drink yourself?"
    "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never had a drink."
    "Then you can't be sure that what you're saying is right. I'll tell you what. Let me buy you a drink. After you've tried it, if you still believe it is evil I will give up drinking for life."
    "I'm a nun. What will people think if they see me drinking?"
    "I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
    The nun reluctantly agrees, so John walks up to the bartender, lowers his voice & says, "Another pint for me & a triple vodka on the rocks & could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
    "Ah," says the bartender. "That nun again?"
     
    #167
  3. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

    On a Septic Tank truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

    On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

    On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip; call your plumber."

    On a Church's billboard: "Seven days without God makes one weak."

    On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

    In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire & take appropriate action."

    On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

    At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

    On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

    On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome. Dog food is expensive."

    At a Bank: "The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."

    Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

    In a Veterinarian's Waiting Room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
     
    #168
  4. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
    All the patients in the waiting room turned to look at the very embarrassed man.
    In an equally loud voice, he replied, “NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
     
    #169
  5. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Supreme Member
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    LeeRoy and BillyBob went to the Big City. There they saw a restaurant called Luigi's. LeeRoy said, "I ain't never et no Eyetalian food. Let's go try it." They go in.

    Luigi greets them with a big smile, "Welcome to Luigi's! I'ma Luigi! My Papa was Luigi and his Papa was Luigi. We have run'a this restaurant for 100 years We hava da policy of if a new customer asks for something we donna have on the menu, we giv'a them five hunnert dollars."

    LeeRoy looks at BillyBob. BillyBob looks at LeeRoy. "Well, let us think about it for a few minutes." Finally LeeRoy says, "We want two large elephant testicles on toasted rye. "Ats'a good" said Luigi and left.

    The waiter poured the boys a glass of wine and they wait. The waiter tops off their wine and they wait some more. And wait some more. And wait some more.

    Finally Luigi comes back to the table and counts out five crisp new one hundred dollar bills.

    He said, "We run'a this restaurant one hunnert years and it'sa first time we ever out'a da rye bread."

    Excuse'a my poor Eyetalian accent. I donna speak Eyetalian so good. :D

    Is'a that good, @John Brunner ;):)
     
    #170
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2023
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  6. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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  7. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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    upload_2023-4-18_10-12-38.png
    damn the GIF did not animate.
     
    #172
  8. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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    So this priest calls his rabbi friend to come cover the confessional while the priest takes lunch.

    From what do I know of confession?” the rabbi asks.
    Don’t worry,” replies the priest. “Just watch what I do. You’re a smart guy. It’s not that complicated.”

    The rabbi sits next to the priest in the booth, and a woman comes in and sits down.
    “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
    “What have you done, my child?”
    “I have committed the sin of adultery,
    ” she sobs.
    How many times?” inquires the priest.
    Three” she meekly replies.
    He says “Put $5 in the collection plate and say ten Hail Marys for repentance.”
    “Thank you, Father
    ,” the woman whispers, relieved.

    The next woman comes in and sits down.
    Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
    “What have you done, my child?”
    “I have committed the sin of adultery,
    ” she admits.
    How many times?” he asks.
    Three” she confesses.
    He replies “Put $5 in the collection plate and say ten Hail Marys for repentance.”
    “Thank you, Father.”


    The rabbi says “This looks easy. Go! GO! Eat!! I’ll be fine.”
    The priest exits, leaving the rabbi in the booth alone.

    The next woman comes in and sits down.
    Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
    “What have you done, my child?
    ” the rabbi asks.
    I have committed the sin of adultery,” she says.
    How many times?” he inquires.
    Why, only once!” she says, offended.
    The rabbi says “Well, go do it two more times! We’re running a special…three for $5!!!
     
    #173
  9. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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  10. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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  11. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language.
    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

    Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
     
    #176
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  12. Jessica Morgan

    Jessica Morgan Very Well-Known Member
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    A guy walks into a pub and can't believe his luck when he see a sign....

    Hand Jobs £5.00. Pork Pies £1.00.

    He started to feel exited, then a busty barmaid licking her lips appeared and asked him what he wanted.

    Is that sigh right love? He asked.
    Yes it is, she purred.

    He couldn't believe it.

    Are you the one who does the hand Jobs? He asked.
    Yes I am, she replied and started licking her lips again.

    Well love can you wash your hands and get me a pie!! (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)
     
    #177
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  13. Jessica Morgan

    Jessica Morgan Very Well-Known Member
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    A young married couple were discussing positions, the man was experienced but his new wife wasn't so he wanted to teach her new things.

    Husband. Can we try a new position tonight love?

    Wife. Oh what position do you have in mind? She replies nervously.

    Husband. Well it's called the wheelbarrow position.

    Wife. Oh so what do we have to do?

    Husband. Well love we both strip down naked and I hold your legs off the ground while you hold yourself up on your hands, just like I'm pushing a wheelbarrow.

    Wife. Oh ok then, but I don't want to go past my parents house!!
     
    #178
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  14. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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    [​IMG]
     
    #179
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  15. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    President Obama gets a call from the Vice President:
    "I've got a problem," says Joe."
    "What is it?" asks Obama.
    "Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so I got a jigsaw puzzle but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together & I can't find any edges."
    "What's it a picture of?" asks Obama.
    "A big rooster," replies Joe.
    "All right," says Obama. "I'll come over & take a look."
    So he heads over to the Oval Office. Joe points to the jigsaw puzzle on his desk.
    Obama looks at the desk & says, "For cryin' out loud, Joe. Put the cornflakes back in the box."
     
    #180
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