Mildly Rude Funnies

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Craig Wilson, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She gets up to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye & takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
    The husband says, "I was just thinking about when we first met 20 years ago & started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember?"
    The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring & sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied.
    The husband asks, "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
    "Yes, I remember," says the wife.
    The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face & said, "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to prison for 20 years?"
    "I remember that too," she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek & says, "I would have gotten out today."
     
    #181
  2. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    A woman said: CREMATION IS MY LAST HOPE FOR A SMOKIN' HOT BODY.
     
    #182
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  3. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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  4. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
    Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family.
    I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin
    was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
    I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
    So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
    A couple of hours later, I get a call from jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
    My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
     
    #184
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  5. Thomas Windom

    Thomas Windom Very Well-Known Member
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    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

    A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,
    mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."”
     
    #185
  6. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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  7. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
    Sergeant: What is her height?
    Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
    Sergeant: Weight?
    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
    Sergeant: Color of eyes?
    Husband: Never noticed.
    Sergeant: Color of hair?
    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
    Sergeant: What was she wearing?
    Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
    Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
    Husband: She went in my truck.
    Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
    Husband: Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost, 5.0 Liter V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.
    At this point the husband started choking up.
    Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
     
    #187
  8. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    Winchester is coming out with a new rifle in honor of Senators and Representatives.
    It will be named the "Congressman." It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
     
    #188
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  9. Gina Scott

    Gina Scott Active Member
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  10. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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    IMG_0985_JPG-2179316_jpeg-3206096.JPG

    2 people dancing.jpg
     
    #190
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  11. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
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    #191
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  12. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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    I saw it elsewhere and just had to share. ;)
     
    #192
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  13. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
    1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
    2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
    3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
    5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
    8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
    10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
    11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
    12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
    13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!".
     
    #193
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  14. Tony Page

    Tony Page Veteran Member
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  15. Tony Nathanson

    Tony Nathanson Very Well-Known Member
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    A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment, grinning from ear to ear.

    Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

    The wife says, "The doctor told me that, for a 50-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

    "Oh, yeah?" asked her husband. "What did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"

    She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
     
    #195

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