Mildly Rude Funnies

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Craig Wilson, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. Hal Pollner

    Hal Pollner Veteran Member
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    A man went into an Emergency Clinic with a Frog perched atop his bald head.

    The admitting physician asked "What can I do for you?"

    The Frog replied "I'd like to get this growth removed from my a$$."

    Hal
     
    #121
  2. Craig Wilson

    Craig Wilson Veteran Member
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    I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
     
    #122
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  3. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
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    I just saw this on Twitter EjnYoUSWoAAzCDR.jpeg
     
    #123
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  4. Martin Alonzo

    Martin Alonzo Supreme Member
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    My dad went into emergency at the hospital and ask to see a doctor. The nurse said which [witch] doctor? my father said No No not one of them a real doctor.
     
    #124
  5. Nancy Hart

    Nancy Hart Veteran Member
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    Rude: impolite or discourteous in a deliberate way :)

    upload_2020-10-7_14-5-19.png
     
    #125
  6. Hal Pollner

    Hal Pollner Veteran Member
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    Some people will end up doing everything bass-ackwards, mainly because they don't shiv a git.

    To them I simply say "Chuck you, Farley!"

    H.P.
     
    #126
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  7. Peter Renfro

    Peter Renfro Veteran Member
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    I came out with a new fragrance today!

    Everyone in the car commented on it!
     
    #127
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  8. Maggie Mae

    Maggie Mae Veteran Member
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  9. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
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    #129
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  10. D'Ellyn Dottir

    D'Ellyn Dottir Very Well-Known Member
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    I've only been on SOC a couple weeks, but I can imagine some personalities here might navigate a similar situation exactly this way.

    *~*~*~*
    You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

    An old Marine pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

    Are you a real pilot?

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. And you, what are you?"

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
     
    #130
  11. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
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    When buying guns, words mean things.
    When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackosrunning amok, I did just as she had instructed.
    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that shewas referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer .
    I still don't think I looked that bad.
     
    #131
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  12. Kate Ellery

    Kate Ellery Supreme Member
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    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.

    "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
     
    #132
  13. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Supreme Member
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    My nephew told this story at Thanksgiving. It's a bit off color so I'm putting it here. If you are easily offended, skip over it!!!!!!!!!! I mean it!






    My nephew is a barber. Let's call him Barber Bill. One of his long time customers is a mentally challenged young man. Lets call him John. His Mom brings him in and sits him on "His" bench and she goes to a nearby grocery to buy groceries. He calmly sits there until it's his turn. Then the barber calls him up and cuts his hair. This has been going on for many years. Until one day......

    Sister Holier-than-thou comes in. Sister Holier-than-thou belongs to the First Self Righteous Church in town. She calls everybody Brother or Sister. She tells Barber Bill that she wants to buy something. Barber Bill tells her that he will be with her as soon as he finishes cutting this customer's hair. So she goes over to where John is sitting on his bench, commences to call him Brother John, rub his arm and talk real sweet and purty to him. This gets brother John aroused and he reaches for his pants, pulls out his Brother John and starts to pleasure it.

    Now, Mother Nature has been real good to Brother John in that area. Sister Holier-than-thou looks down and sees what Brother John is doing, shrieks, jumps up, and runs over and throws herself at Barber Bill, still shrieking. Brother John follows right behind her, still taking care of business. For a few minutes, pandemonium rules. Then the other barber, Barber Bob, takes Brother John by his shoulder and leads him back to his bench and restores his decorum.

    I don't know if Sister Holier-then-thou got what she came for or not. I was laughing too hard to ask.
     
    #133
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  14. Faye Fox

    Faye Fox Veteran Member
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    True story from my yearly Medicare checkup and questionnaire.

    Nurse: Are you sexually active?
    Faye: Define sexually active?
    Nurse: Intercourse I suppose.
    Faye: Just intercourse, no mastrubation?
    Nurse: I am not sure but let's say yes both.
    Faye: Who wants to know all this personal information?
    Nurse: Some guy doing Medicare statistics I imagine.
    Faye: Is he well hung?
    Nurse: OK, moving on to the next question. Do you need help bathing?
    Faye: Only if the statistics keeper is well hung.
     
    #134
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2021
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  15. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Supreme Member
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    Funny, my doctor's nurse doesn't ask me that anymore. Hmmmmm? ;):)
     
    #135
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