That's good, huh? They came to see him; they saw him; then they left. Short visit but mission accomplished.
Two guys are out hunting deer. the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No" the second guy says. "Well, a bald Eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh" says the second guy. A couple minutes later, the first guy says: "Did you see that? " "See what? " tje second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill over there." "Oh" A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By this time, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "yes i did!" And the first guy says: Then why did you step in it ?"
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. ‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’ ‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’ ‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. ‘Who’s going to tell’ says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo over the speed limit. ‘Please slow down, Your Holiness’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. ‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo for speeding. ‘So bust him,’ says the Chief. ‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’ ‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘A senator?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’ Cop: ‘Bigger.’ ‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’ Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’ The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’ Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!
The Irish FurnitureDealer Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find . After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table , asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand) , so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on It and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said? One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken! The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
There is a husband and a wife and the husband is worried because he thinks his wife is going deaf. So the husband goes to the doctor and says "My wife is losing her hearing what do I do?" "Do a test." says the doctor. "Ask her a question from 40ft away, 20ft, 10ft and 5 ft away. See when she starts to hear you." So he went home and asked his wife from 40ft away when dinner will be ready. No response. 20ft no response. 10ft no response. At 5 ft his wife replies "For the 4th time dinner will be ready in 10 minutes!"
Since I've been wearing hearing aids since 1995, I always enjoy a 'hearing' joke. An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years. The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........ She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Shirley you crack me up! A boy was a bagger at a Super Market. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued , the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but the request was denied. Said the Store Manager, " Sorry kid, but baggers can;t be juicers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dispatching her 10 yr, old son to pick up a pizza, His mother handed him money and a two-dollar off coupon. Later he came home with the Pizza, and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied.."Mom, i had enough money . i didn't need the coupon." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some Telltale signs that your getting old................................................ You stoop to tie your shoes. and wonder what else you can do while your down there.. Your ears are hairier then your head. The Glean in your eyes are from the sun hitting your bifocals. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You can remember when everything was Fields. You get out of breath , playing Chess. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. Your knees buckle but your belt won't. You start doing Jigsaw Puzzles again.. You and your teeth don't sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your sock and discover your not wearing any.. At the breakfast table , you heat snap , crackle and pop and your not eating cereal. It takes 2 tries to get up from the couch. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. Your address book has mostly names that begin with Dr. It takes twice as long, to look half as good.