If my husband had committed some crime (lol) worthy of divorce I would have killed him so either way I'd still be a widow.
I have experienced both and for me, death was the worst. Divorce was my first experience and I was so hurt and bitter that when I thought of him, I would become angry. But the death of my spouse of 41 years was exactly as Sam Lemon described. I was his caretaker too and I knew he wasn't going to make it but that did not help matters any when he died. The pain was still there and it lingered on for some time. With my divorce, I didn't miss him but with the death of my spouse, yes, I missed him and still do.
Along those lines I often wonder what's worse....your husband dying after being terminal or all of a sudden from say a heart attack. Both have the same end result which is death and very sad and difficult to go through but I don't know if one is easier than the other. I only know the terminal and knowing for a year that he will die and living with that every day.
That is a really hard thing to say, Chrissy, and I think that there is just no way for a person to go through the loss of a loved one without extreme grief, even when you know they are sick, and are not going to recover. When my mom was dying, it was terrible for me, because I desperately didn’t want to lose her, and equally bad, could not stand to see her suffering as her heart gave out and her organs shut down. I think that it would be more devastating when we lose someone unexpectedly, but it is probably better for the person who is dying, to just be taken quickly and not suffer. We never stop loving, and we really never stop grieving either, we just learn to go on existing through the pain.
I had a horrible time dealing with the death of my mom. She had a brain tumor that they tried to remove. It came back after 6 months and it was another 4 months of pain watching her die. My wife is currently stage 4 COPD along with other issues. So I'm her caregiver. We met in high school in the late 50s and got married in 1959.
From several experiences with death Chrissy all I can offer is that sudden death is better for the one lost, though more shocking for the survivors. It's also horrible to watch a loved one suffer to the point they (and you) wish they were dead to end the agony. The death of a loved one is the hardest of life's blows, IMO. I wondered sometimes how I myself survived it as it hurts so much, physically as well as emotionally. For myself, I would prefer to go suddenly so those who survive me have the consolation that "It was Better for her."
Sorry to hear about your wife Al...it must be heartbreaking for you both to be in this situation. , and exhausting for you at times to be your dear wife's carer... , Caregiving can be thoroughly exhausting, particularly if you have no outside help... I hope you manage to have some respite sometimes to spend time even for a few hour doing something for just you... I wish your wife the best pain management available, and you as much rest as you can get in the circumstances.
I am sorry to hear of that, Al. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be. Both of my parents died suddenly, or at least so far as I was as aware, so I have not had to deal with such a thing.
Right now I'm feeling sad for my oldest son who lost his wife 2 years ago. He just sent me a message telling me how much pain he is feeling, how he is raising the kids alone, how he has no-one to take the pain away. He has been holding back this feeling purposely to take care of his family and the sorrow from loss of his wife finally has overcome him. I didn't respond immediately because I took a moment to lift him up in prayer and asking God what can I said to help him. "It's time for a cry. Grab hold of your babies and let the tears fall. Let them know how much you miss their mother." There is a season for every thing that happens in life including death.
Since I've never been divorced, I have to say the death of a spouse is worse. I liken it almost to the loss of a child. The grief is just beyond anything I'd ever encountered before. I did help to prepare me when my grandson was killed a week and a half after graduating from college. But not much.